Why self love matters

My next foray in to the School of Self Image with Tonya Leigh looks at why self love matters. Have you missed her guidance over the last few days?

TL noted that if you’ve ever been in love with someone the first few months are full of passion, romance, attentiveness, excitement and desire. The world suddenly feels warm and light instead of dull and gloomy. When you are in love chemicals in your brain create a sense of euphoria and pleasure. It has you doing those silly, giddy things like waking up early, dancing around to music, taking time getting ready. Resentment, doom and gloom and judgement melt away.

In the early stages of a new relationship you treat it with care, attentively. You are present and discovering more about the other person. You keep your promises. You don’t see the flaws in the other person. You give the relationship your full attention.

Do you treat yourself in the same way?

TL suggested that we tend to criticise ourselves, beat ourselves up over our mistakes, and then beat ourselves up over beating ourselves up. We resent the past and dread the future. We mistreat our bodies and retreat to avoid feelings. We end up finding distractions to avoid being with ourselves.

She proffers that if you want to attract love into your life, want to be happy and healthy, want to have a fulfilling career, wake up with a passion for life and exude confidence by treating yourself as you would treat a new lover. Treat yourself with compassion. Forgive yourself. Commit to becoming your own lover. Lovers rarely criticise, make nasty judgements or crude comments about each other. They respect, love and connect to each other.

Nothing you desire for yourself comes from self-hatred. Once you deeply love yourself you can no longer abandon yourself by self-destruction. You no longer treat yourself as worthless, or have to prove that you are deserving. You no longer let yourself down by not showing up for yourself, nor allow others to trample all over you. Instead you are connected to your body, needs and life. You respect your body as it is. You take control of your own time. You show up for what you decide is important. You love deeply and have fierce boundaries.

The only person who can change it is you. Starting with a fierce commitment to loving yourself. Its not easy. It begins with a decision, followed by constant awareness and courage.

TL suggested looking for something to love every day. It could be the sunset, music, your coffee. Show yourself some love by buying yourself some flowers, pay attention to your feelings and say no without explanation.

When you deeply love yourself there is nothing you cannot do, overcome or create. You’ll never feel alone or bored, or abandoned. You’ll be glowing like a person in love.

I may regret asking this but how do you plan to be your own lover this week?

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Oscar Wilde

6 Ways to use the Power of Procrastination

In October’s Woman & Home magazine there’s an article about how we should use the art of procrastination to allow time to reflect rather than react. We clearly can’t procrastinate about everything all the time otherwise nothing would ever get done, but there is a time for procrastinating to find the value of not rushing into things in order to complete them.

The article shares five tops tips from three experts in business, coaching and self-care:

Lean in gradually – don’t be afraid to let your mind wander and take its time before reaching a decision or taking action. Make sure you have all the information and let it sit for a while before moving forward. Create space away from the problem, do something else that helps soothe your mind before allowing the solution to come to you.
You time – don’t let yourself be pressured by others. Whether it’s committing to a night out with friends, a workplace problem or any difficult situation. Take a step back to assess the situation. Taking time out to think will help reduce stress and avoid rushing in to things you’re not comfortable with.
Headspace haven – day to day business can be hectic and a challenge. Making a specific to do list allows you to free up mind space. Break the tasks down into smaller more achievable tasks and be clear what the action is.
Be imperfect – You have limits, flaws and needs. When you feel under pressure ask yourself “Is this realistic?”, “How stressed am I right now?” “How can I break this down to be more manageable?”, “What’s the impact of reaching good enough but no perfect here?”. Reframe your goals and rather than aim to produce something perfect, make your new goal to take the first step or learn something new.
Overload overthrow – we can all usually cope with a few things happening at the same time but when they are all needing our full attention it can become overwhelming. One suggestion was to ”batch tasks for efficiency”. Decide on the order in which to tackle each task and how much time you are willing to spend on it, and then prioritise what’s important and urgent, rather than being distracted by what’s just arrived in your in box.
Small and slow – sometimes it’s hard to get started on a new task but that’s because we might still be mulling over how the tackle it and still planning it in our heads. The advice is to start slowing by scheduling bite sized time set aside to do things. Committing to a smaller task is much easier in terms of achievability and time constraints, but also provides a boost once it’s been completed and could spur you on to complete the full task. One suggestion was to break the task down into 90 days. Divide the year into 4 quarters and commit to focussing on a certain number of goals and tasks within that 90 days. Anything that doesn’t need to be done right now can shift to a latter quarter.

I can definitely be a procrastinator if there’s a task that I don’t really want to do, or I’m not sure how to start it, or it’s such a big task that I can’t see the wood for the trees on where or how to tackle it, or if it’s such a big task it seems like it’ll never end.

I have talked before about the need to declutter at home and it always seems such an overwhelming task to even start. I never know where to even begin with it. I’ve watched Marie Kondo and her idea on how to declutter and organise the home category by category rather than room by room and I did start to do that with my own papers and space. But for now, that’s still a massive procrastination brick wall for me.

How will you use the power of procrastination to tackle a problem?

Dump the junk to cultivate a beautiful mind

Choosing what information we consume can directly affect our mood and thoughts for the day, so choose wisely. Respect your mind- if you take in junk you’ll probably feel trashy, if you take in beauty your mind will reflect that.

Podcast fave Tonya Leigh suggested that consuming trash, gossip, negativity, fear-based media and other people’s drama makes us feel sad. This can in turn send us on a spiral of then eating junk, then feeling back for having eaten junk, and so on, in a toxic cycle. When you intentionally cultivate a beautiful state of mind, we feel lighter, so feed your mind with beautiful things.

TL suggested challenging yourself to take an inventory of the information you consume and upgrade it where it’s not serving you well. Ask these questions:

Does it inspire you?
Do you feel more joyful afterwards?
Does it turn you on?
Does it make you feel happy?
Does it excite you?
Is your social media doing it for you?
Do you feel a better person for having read/watched/listened to it?

In order to cultivate a beautiful mind have high standards for what you read, watch and listen to. You can change the channel, throw away the book/magazine, turn the station over or leave the room.

Limit the time spent on social media. The algorithms fill your feeds with junk and negativity, so find sites and a space that shares inspirational quotes and is intentionally lighter.

One way to start the day with good thoughts TL suggested was to journal gratitude and intentions for the day ahead first thing in the morning. It puts good thoughts in your mind right at the start of the day. Listen to music that invigorates you and consume something that inspires you, read a book, watch a YouTube video or listen to a podcast.

I stopped watching the news on tv a long time ago. It was all doom and gloom and nothing good seemed to be happening in the world and it seemed to just want to find the bad in everyone and everything. That doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on in the world, or I’m deluding myself about things, but I choose not to be overwhelmed by it. The tv in our house doesn’t tend to go on before 6pm anyway, and even then we choose light entertainment programmes, the occasional drama or something educational.

I did a social media cull recently. I unfollowed a lot of people and sites who were no longer doing it for me, people who only post negative stories or try to stir up trouble, or simply begging for attention. I found sites that offered inspiration, hope and were full of vibrancy.

I am terrible at journaling. I’ve tried several times and I guess the nearest thing I’ve got to is this blog, but it doesn’t really demonstrate the gratitude and intentions very well, other than my intention to be a better person that I was yesterday by learning more about myself.

I do read a fair bit, but often quite specifically around a subject I want to learn more about and I always try to find both sides of an argument.

And of course I do listen to podcasts. Tonya Leigh’s School of Self Image being the current favourite. I started right from episode one so I have a bit of catching up, and I’m not apologising for the regular references to it. If you find something that resonates, I say it’s a good thing to share it. I was also recently referred to The Melissa Ambrosini Show which promises to bring insightful interviews to shift mind-set, inspire into action and fuel the soul. I haven’t listened to any yet, but I have one in my queue ready to go before deciding whether to subscribe or not. I have others that are comedic so bring a smile to my face as I’m on my lunchtime walk.

How do you cultivate your beautiful mind?

From overwhelming mess to calm sophisticate

The latest Tonya Leigh podcast that I’ve been listening to (yes, I’m still about five years behind) asked questions about why we fill our diaries with obligations, or nearly kill ourselves trying to reach our goals. Why do we try to be everything to everyone? Why do we cram our lives with so much? Perhaps because leisure is only possible when we are at one with ourselves. We may see overwork as a means to escape, or are trying to justify our existence.

I know I feel that I have to justify my existence and always thinking that I’m not good enough so need to do more in order to feel I have a purpose in some way. Imposter phenomenon kicking in all the while though. TL continued its one thing to work from a place of passion but very different to live life trying to prove yourself to others and gain accolades and validation from them. You can never do enough if your underlying belief is “I am not enough”. I have mentioned before that I often feel I am not a good enough wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, colleague and nothing I do will ever be good enough for some people.

TL suggested that if we wanted to turn that around and become a calm sophisticate we should:

Go fast and slow – live life at our own pace. Speed up in order to get the things you need to get done out of the way, but then slow down in order to spend time with friends or family.
Know what you value – find out what is really important. Be confident in choosing what to let go of. Don’t be afraid of disappointing others.
Manage your mind like a CEO – life will never have a sense of calm if you go through the day saying you don’t have time, or you’ll never get that done, or that person will be disappointed. Change your mind-set in order to be the reflection of what you choose to believe.
Listen to your body – our minds can try to convince us to go harder and faster and when we are overwhelmed the temptation is to throw yourself into it even more. Take a break, be well rested and nourished, your body and mind will be grateful.
Plan and schedule – have a clear plan for yourself before you fall into someone else’s plan, when their plan probably doesn’t feature you much anyway. Say yes to what really matters and no to everything else.
Realise that everything is happening for a reason at its perfect time – stop beating yourself up over telling yourself you should be more successful, stop chasing an illusion that things should be better than they are. Practice understanding that everything is unfolding as it should. Slow down and savour whatever moment you are in.

Calm, non-dramatic energy is the space where things are solved most effectively and life lived most fully.

Maureen Campaiola suggested five ways to create calm in your life 5 Simple Ways To Create Calm In Your Life | Recapture the Joy (adebtfreestressfreelife.com):

Reduce noise – we are bombarded by noise (not just sound noise) from the moment we wake up – the alarm clock, social media, clutter. Reducing these things and finding quietness is a rare treat.
Create a peaceful and calm morning ritual – meditation, reading, a hot shower, journaling, savouring your morning coffee.
Let it go – if someone doesn’t do what you think they should, your partner didn’t kiss you goodbye (doesn’t mean they no longer care for you), someone is rude to you. Let it go. It’s their issue not yours. You don’t know what’s going on in their world, they are doing their best.
Be grateful – practice gratitude, apply it to the events of your day. Your boss giving you a hard time? At least you have a job. Your partner not well? Be grateful for the days you have together.
Declutter you space – clutter sucks energy out of the room, creating mental chaos and stress. Clearing clutter creates a peaceful and calm oasis to go to when you feel overwhelmed.

Certainly decluttering is a bit issue in our house. We have so much stuff. Mostly an awful lot of #bellringing stuff, the Association library, other books, papers and other items. C is a bit of a hoarder and keeps papers from years ago completely unnecessarily, in my opinion. Every time I win at decluttering a space, it’s not long before he fills it up again.

“Calm is always one choice and one thought away”
Tonya Leigh

Best laid plans give way to better impromptu self care

This weekend was manic. I had three meetings and two lots of #bellringing on Saturday and plans for two lots of #bellringing on Sunday, with report writing and week ahead food prep and housework to cram in.

Saturday, although pretty hectic, was actually quite enjoyable for the most part. It was good to be out ringing in other towers with some people who I’ve only ever met via a Zoom meeting before.

Sunday looked to be a little more disjointed, trying to fit things in and get timings right so that I could do everything I needed to get done and be everywhere I needed to be. However as the morning progressed, one of the ringing events I needed to be at in the evening got cancelled.

This meant that I didn’t need to rush around quite so much to fit the other things in. It also meant that I had some additional time back to do with what I liked.

This sort of change of plan often unsettles me. I have a plan of the day and know what I need to do when but when I’m given back time I then find I don’t know what to do with it, despite having a to do list as long as a toilet roll.

I decided therefore, this reclaimed time I would use for some self care.

I gave my face a scare by putting a clay face mask on, something I haven’t done in ages, possibly even years. I always hide in the bathroom when I do fast masks in fear that C will take the opportunity to take photos of me with a green face and send it round. It meant I could have 10 minutes or so peace.

Then it was nail pampering time. I have a lovely foot balm to rub into tired feet, so I gave them a treat followed by painting toenails and my fingernails ready for the week ahead.

Then it was sit still, quiet and read time. There were mildly annoying sounds from outside but it was lovely to have no sounds from inside the house to shatter the calm.

It being Sunday, C then poured me a glass of Pimms and himself a fruit vodka that he’d been brewing, to top the evening off before we settled for tv viewing.

The only thing I didn’t do was soak in the bath. Lack of bubbles would have made it quite dull I feel. Note to self: get skin friendly bubblebath in for rare occasions.

It must a much needed bit of self pampering and self care ready to take on the week ahead.

Bring back the Joy

Over the years, as we take on more responsibilities, work, family and navigate our way through life, we can sometimes lose the joy and spark of our youth. We can get sucked in by others that gradually chip away at our joyfulness. I know I have experienced this. I used to be a lot more adventurous, outgoing and playful, but as I have grown older, settled down, become and wife and mother, and had a good career, a fair chunk of that has worn away. Like anything else to relearn and cultivate more joy in our lives we need to practice it every day.

If you don’t give something your attention it has absolutely no power of you.

If you ignore the critics, the snidey comments, the naysayers, those who seem to know better, the negativity and negative people around you, you are less likely to experience it, allowing more room for joy. If you don’t give it your attention, you don’t experience it. There’s no need to get involved in social media rebuttals, simply block, delete or ignore. There’s no need to get sucked into a pit of despair from constantly watching the news.

I had a case just this week where I read what someone had posted on a Facebook group that wound me up. For about half an hour, I kept going back to the post to see if anyone had made further comment. It had actually made me quite upset and ready to throw the towel in. I was expecting a further onslaught from everyone else who may have had an opinion one way or the other. Then I remembered that my reaction to it was my responsibility and why should I let someone else, who has no idea what’s going on in my world, ruin my day. I made a conscious decision to ignore it. There was one further comment made by the original poster, and a couple of likes but no one else seemed to have waded in, so I decided to move on. I did actually feel much better for not giving it my attention when I would have previous festered over it and worried about other people would be saying. I chose to ignore and move on.

This is not to say that we should ignore everything we don’t like that’s going on around us, not bury our heads in the sand, or take responsibility for our words and actions. It comes back to the point I have made before about how you choose to respond and how much of your time and energy you want to give to something that ultimately gets you down and evaporates your joy.

My favourite ever band, Duran Duran, have recently released a track called More Joy, here’s what they have to say:

“I know where this is going (more joy)

I’m looking at you

I like where it’s going (more joy)

Are you coming too?

I know where this is going (more joy)

I’m looking at you

I like where it’s going (more joy)

Are you coming too?“

An impromptu Bank Holiday outing

We had no real plans for the Bank Holiday. An extra day to catch up with house chores or completing some paperwork, reading and meal prep for the week ahead. C had noticed an advert for our local RHS Garden Craft Fair. It’s only about 10 miles away, so we jumped in the car and headed off.

The weather wasn’t that great, overcast and occasionally spotting with drizzle but it didn’t really rain with menace, and it wasn’t too cold. The fair was on it’s last day and I’m not sure whether it had quite the volume they’d hoped for but there were still plenty of people about. Maybe some didn’t realise that the fair was on and just came out for the day anyway.

We meandered around the stalls. There were a few outdoorsy booths selling garden furniture and ornaments; one guy was whittling furniture out of ash. There were a few food stalls but nothing that tickled our taste buds particularly. There were three main, large marquees with small, individual “booths” within. Most of them were jewellery, glass or wood crafted objects. There were some clothes made of wool and yak’s wool. There were a couple of stalls selling soaps and hand creams in all sorts of strange combinations of scents.

We went round everything once before deciding to go to one of the main Garden cafes for a soup lunch and had a bit of a wander around the top garden areas.

Then we went round everything again. This time with intent to purchase. C bought something for his granddaughter for Christmas. I bought a couple of real leather belts; one brown, one black. I also bought myself a gold necklace and a pair or pearl earrings. I found a couple of cute tea light stands in the shape of Santa and a Christmas Tree that would look cute on the mantle at Christmas.

I did look at a gold bangle on another stand which was simple but rather nice. Then I turned the price tag over. £850. The woman thought that we were genuinely interested and let me try in on. It was the only one there in gold and I feigned that it was too small. She decided that she would write a full quote for me to have one custom made, took measurements and wrote it all down and may be expecting us to call her to confirm a purchase. Luckily, we didn’t give her any of our contact details so she can’t chase us. It was a nice bangle and all, but fairly simple in design. I wouldn’t have though it worth that much.

As usually at these things there are lots of lovely things, lots of tactile objects and if you have the right home and the right budget you could spend a small fortune. My few purchases cost enough as it was and I didn’t see anyone taking larger objects, unless they could order them for delivery later on. I wonder how much these exhibitors have to pay for their space for the weekend and whether the actually get enough custom to cover their outlay. I guess they must otherwise they wouldn’t do it.

It was a pleasant enough way to spend a few hours, got my daily step count in and still left time to get the chores done when we got back home.

How did you spend your Bank Holiday?

How to add enchantment to every day

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom” – Socrates

If we choose to be fascinated in what is going on around us it can help turn something that we may feel trapped by into something more wonderful. So says my podcast mate Tonya Leigh (yes, I know I’m banging on about her a lot these days but I’m catching up on about 5 years of podcasts).

She also offered a few other suggestions to find the enchantment in everyday:

Place fresh flowers around the house. They add beauty and are alluring as well as being able to lift your mood and shift your energy.
Find the perfect colour lipstick. As someone who doesn’t wear make-up, this sounds frightening. I have a pinkish colour lip balm but that’s about it.
Take a walk in the woods, get out in nature and wonder at the trees and flowers and how they provide us with cleaner air.
Burn a decadent scented candle. I usually have the same scented candle all year round, Angels Wings from Yankee Candle, and at Christmas I get the Christmas Cookie one just to mix things up a bit. At a recent shop at Costco, I found a pack of three scented candles – one is Dark Pomegranate, one is Vanilla Bean and the other is Cassis and Fresh Fig. They may not be the Japanese Quince that TL refers to, but they smell quite nice.
Look at everything with wonder and awe. Think about how or what processes something had to go through to get to you, like a bottle of fine wine.
Dress up with a little flair. Put thought into how you show up. This is ok but you have to constantly keep an eye on the weather in the UK. You might think you have your outfits sorted out for the week ahead, but the weather is so changeable you’ll need to be flexible.
Have an afternoon tea ritual. Slow down and relax whilst breathing in the aroma of a herbal tea. To me the phrase “afternoon tea” also requires there to be cake. Maybe that’s ok too.
Stargaze and make a wish, contemplate the bigger things in life whilst staring out to the universe.
Mesmerise with melodies. Choose music that lifts your spirit and energises your mood.
Host a dream party. Instead of talking about everyone’s woes and worries, indulge in discussing dreams and desires.

Enchantment is not what you do but how you do it – seeing the beauty and mystery in everyday life. How will you be enchanted today?

Two questions to ask yourself to make you proud

I am trying to catch up on some long overdue queued podcasts and the one I’m enjoying at the moment is a lifestyle commentary. It’s quite interesting from the perspective of the narrator, who lives in the US, somewhere idyllic by the sounds of it, and lives a very different life to me. I’m not pretending I want to emulate her lifestyle, but she does say some things that get you thinking about your perspective and how you treat yourself.

In the latest episode I listened to, which I think was actually recorded in January 2015 (I have to listen to podcasts from the very beginning and this is a new one on my list so I’m still early doors) the narrator offered two questions that you should ask yourself that would make you proud in the year ahead.

1) what will I no longer accept from myself and others this year?

2) what high standards will I create for myself?

The hypotheses offered suggested that you would receive what you are willing to accept. If you accept someone’s poor behaviour towards you that is what you will continue to receive. If you accept poor health due to poor diet then you will continue to have poor health due to diet. If you accept poor quality or standards that is what you will receive. These things are within your grasp to change.

Setting high standards for yourself is about self-care, professional life, living a beautiful, elegant, fulfilled life. This isn’t about spending lots of money to have lots of material things but could be simple ideas like not allowing yourself to be spoken to or treated in certain ways, or educating yourself so that you can do well in your professional life, or simply going for a walk in nature, enjoying the simple, free things in life that give you joy.

The narrator is clear to point out it is important not to beat yourself up when you don’t meet your own high standards, and acknowledge that every now and then, you will be unable to meet them whether through health, environment and other things that sometimes get in the way and by necessity take priority.

I spent a bit of time considering how to answer those two questions:

1) I will no longer accept my opinion is any less valid than anyone else’s and if I have something to say, I will say it.

2) I will no longer accept I must be at the beck and call of others during my own time. I will answer emails or phone calls when I’m ready.

3) I will no longer accept feeling guilty when I buy something expensive, for myself, using my own money.

4) I will buy quality things, which may be more expensive, but they will last longer.

5) I will endeavour to buy ethically.

6) I will glam up my style a bit so I can feel more elegant for no one else’s benefit except my own.

7) I will invest time and effort in my own wellbeing.

8) I will stop complaining or speaking negatively.

9) I will have fresh flowers in the house more often.

10) I will bake more frequently.

11) I will wear skirts and dresses more often.

12) I will speak more softly and not swear.

It’s a small start and I shall undoubtedly fail at some point, but everything has to start somewhere.

A different way to consider weight loss success

I have been on a healthy eating challenge for a while now with the purpose of losing some weight and feel better about myself. For quite a while my weight has just hovered around the same area of the scales with the occasional small lose, but then a counter gain again. I do find that I fall into the trap of having lost a few pound treating myself for a job well done, so undoing all the good I’ve worked hard at.

The bathroom scales have not been my friend this last week. They kept bobbing up and down by three or four pound despite the fact that I had actually been quite good with what I’ve been eating. I have struggled a bit in the heat with water retention too, my ankles and fingers swelling up. However, with the slightly cooler weather over the last couple of days, things have started to turn around again.

Its important to understand that not all victories can be measured by the bathroom scales. I have noticed a few other things, known as non-scale victories.

My clothes fit better. I noticed it most when I was wearing my jean shorts. I was actually able to take them off at the end of the day without undoing the button and zip. My work trousers also seem less tight and are no longer cutting the circulation off!

I can do more things without getting out of breath. This included keeping up with C as he walks. He has much longer legs and stride than I do and I used to get a bit out of breath trying to keep up with him. Although it still makes my calf muscles burn to speed walk to keep up, I am less breathless doing so. I can also climb the spiral staircase to the ringing chamber at the cathedral, 53 steps, without getting so out of breath.

I think my skin has improved too, with less greasy skin moments or breakouts at certain times of the month. I also have chronic urticarial and dermographism but since I’ve been eating more fruit, salad and vegetables, I have felt less need to try and rip my flesh off my bones. I have been able to cope with one tablet a day, when I would occasionally need two.

I would still like the bathroom scales to be friendlier but I recognise that they are not the be all and end all and that we should celebrate the non-scale victories as well, and acknowledge the progress along weight loss journey. Just not with a hundred weight of chocolate and cake.