The Nordic way to happiness

According to Women & Home magazine Scandinavian women are amongst the healthiest and happiest in the world due to their outdoor lifestyle, diet and PMA (positive mental attitude).

These super women seem to be better at having a positive winter mindset by enjoying cold weather activities and celebrating koselig (a sense of cosiness). Their mantra being “there is no such thing as bad weather only bad clothes”.

The Swedish ladies apply life with fika, taking time out to prioritise over relaxing coffee and cake with others.

It seems that hot and spicy boudoir activity keeps stress levels low and boosts immunity and the Nordic key to this is to keep honest and open communication with your partner about your needs in a supportive and affectionate way, and often.

Detoxifying saunas keep the Finish ladies de stressed and bonded. They tend to go starkers into a temperature of 80 degrees followed by a cold water cool off. They also opt for whipping themselves with birch leaves in a ritual called vihta, supposedly cleaning the skin and improving circulation.

They have a strong tradition of sports and active hobbies just for fun so they don’t see going to the gym as a chore. Their go to activities include cycling, Nordic walking and wild swimming.

It seems the Scandinavians have figured out the art of a good night’s sleep by using separate duvets. This puts an end to the cover stealing or different temperature controls needed. Apparently us Brits would rather sleep in separate beds.

The Swedes love an ice dip, kallbad, or ice-bathing enjoyed during autumn and winter. It decreases tension, boosts energy and improves memory.

They eat healthily, lagom “in balance and moderation”, fresh seafood, lean wild meat, grains, seasonal vegetables, berries and superfoods.

Whilst I would be happy to embrace some of the Scandinavian way of life – I’d be happy with koselig and could combine that with some fika. I’d be happy to boost my immunity and reduce stress levels with boudoir activity (oo er), I’d love to take a sauna, but you can keep the cold dip afterwards, and the vihta. I think the idea of separate duvet covers is genius. As a women “of a certain age” I’m sure my overall temperature is on the rise and we often battle over whether the duvet should be on or off or somewhere in between. I’d much prefer that to separate beds for sure. I certainly won’t be trying out kallbad, a water phobia puts pay to that. And with some moderation I would happily indulge in logom.

How will you embrace a Nordic lifestyle?

Are you seeking the wrong tribe in the wrong place?

So much focus in life revolves around friendships. I hear of people meeting up with their mates from university now they’re in their 40’s. Of people who have friends dating way back to childhood. Making close friends and keeping them has always been a struggle for me. We want our children to have friends and feel confident and we worry for them if they’re a bit of a loner.

I had a group of friends in high school that stuck together all the time. To be honest I think we were just all the misfits that nobody else wanted in their group. We didn’t stay in touch after school. In fact I bumped into one of them a few years back. We arranged to meet up for coffee. The conversation soon stalled after we’d reminisced and swapped wedding stories. After that we just had nothing in common any more.

I did have a close friend during my early 20’s and into my 30’s. We worked in the same department. We ended up being Godparent to each other’s children. We used to have monthly Girls Night Out (GNO), resulting in food, a lot of drink and maybe a club. I went running to support her when she found out her husband was cheating on her. Arranging GNOs seemed to end up in my lap all the time and when she started a new relationship, he’d be on the phone to her all the time during our night out. We’d barely speak between GNOs and I remember deciding that I deliberately wouldn’t contact her to arrange the next one to see what would happen. Nothing happened. Not if I didn’t make it happen. We drifted apart. Haven’t seen or spoken to her in years now.

So, now I don’t have a best friend. Sometimes that bothers me because there’s no one to share my innermost thoughts with, some things that can’t be shared with your husband. Most of the time, it doesn’t really worry me. But I do miss going out with the girls type evenings where you have a good laugh, put the world to rights and just have a great time.

I have lots of acquaintances through #bellringing but I don’t tend to socialise outside of ringing. Only perhaps one other couple, but that’s as a couple, not me on my own. I have colleagues at work who I can share some things with but again, there are things you can’t always share with them either.

I don’t have that solid group of girl friends to rely on to help me navigate the ups and downs of life.

I find I edit myself when I’m with others to avoid sounding ignorant or uninteresting, or end up just sitting there listening to these larger than life, exuberant, interesting, erudite others with nothing to contribute or not being able to get a word in edgeways even if I did have something to add.

Constant stroking of other people’s egos by liking or commenting well crafted platitudes on their social media is not something I do well. If you get a comment from me, its genuine. I can’t do false praise or flattery.

Therapist Sally Baker, in an article in October’s Psychologies Magazine written by Emma Reed, suggested that rather than spending lots of energy on others we should try tapping into our own intuition to determine what it is we really need from friendships. Do your friends make you feel good about yourself, or judged? Do you need a raucous group night out or a quiet chat over a cup of tea in the garden?

Like all relationships its a two way affair. So many times I have dropped things to run off to support someone in a time of crisis yet I know they, nor anyone else would do it for me. There are those infuriating people who post on social media about being there for you if you need them. I wonder how many would actually drop everything and come running, or how quickly the excuses would start.

I don’t have a posse but I do have a number of people I can talk to in certain situations. I don’t have that one or two who I can tell all my innermost thoughts to. I’m not sure I’d have someone to call if my life went totally up the swanny. But then maybe I don’t need it.

What do you seek from friendship? And do you get it?

The pursuit of happiness

Every time I hear that phrase I think of the film The Pursuit of Happyness starring Will Smith. It’s about a young man who loses everything, his wife, his home and almost his son, but through tenacity and determination teaches himself how to make huge money investment sales and went on to make his millions. It’s the real life story of Chris Gardner who is now reputed to be worth around £50million.

The story shows that how we interpret happiness can directly affect our experience of it and how we strive to achieve it.

In October’s Psychologies Magazine an article discussed how our sense of happiness was influenced by who and what we surround ourselves with, including what we read, listen to and watch.

There is a certain pressure to attain a certain level of happiness which can have damaging effects. Other people’s views of what should make us happy doesn’t necessarily mean our sense of happiness is wrong though. We might be trying impose other’s happiness on ourselves as a way of avoiding our own feelings. Someone else’s view might provide the opportunity to challenge our own thoughts.

People often say to me that I must enjoy #bellringing and doing that makes me happy. Yes and no. I have become so accustomed to a way of life that revolves around #bellringing that I often don’t enjoy it. That’s not to say I hate it, its just become “the thing I do”. It makes me happy when I master a new method. It makes me happy to see someone else have that moment of clarity and they now understand or can do something they couldn’t before. It makes me happy when large groups of ringers get together and there’s an excitement and energy in the room. I’m not necessarily happy (but not unhappy either) about Sunday ringing every week, or practice every week. Particularly when the striking isn’t so good. These are just things I do. Like getting out of bed in the morning.

In exploring our authentic happiness, the article offered five questions (although most of them had multiple sub questions) to ponder:

Write down what you define as happiness for you. Where do you feel happy? Who with? Doing what?
Where does your sense of happiness come from? What influenced your happiness growing up?
Who influences your happiness? Family, friends, colleagues, partner? Do you chose to be around them because they make you happy or are you around them because you are happy?
What other factors influence your happiness? Do you find yourself comparing your life to someone else’s?
Are you in touch with yourself? If you’re out of touch with your thoughts and feelings, you’ll be out of touch with your happiness.

What can we do to ensure a better relationship with our happiness?

I will be ensuring I do more things that make me happy and fewer things that please other people, or out of some sense of obligation. I’ve still got some birthday experience vouchers to use and now things are opening up again I’ll be getting dates booked in before the diary is taken over by #bellringing!

What will you do to connect to your happiness?

Harnessing intuition

An article in October’s Red magazine suggested that over the last year self-doubt has increasingly crept up on us. In the face of constant facts and news we had become conditioned to thinking too much, to the point that we were at risk of losing our intuition; the gut feeling we relied on subconsciously.

Gut feeling is linked to our flight or fight instinct. We might have a gut feeling that something bad might happen, or that someone is not a nice person, or even that something wonderful is about to happen. It can manifest in physical discomfort too, not just our Spidey Senses tingling. The article urged us to reconnect to our gut instinct, to do a body scan when we sense something is not quite right.

Connecting to our intuition is something that we can learn to be better at. And here’s what the article’s author suggested:

Seek out quiet – get away from noise, tech etc, find a peaceful place to take a few deep breaths to clear your mind. Ask yourself the question that’s been puzzling you and be open to responses how ever they come to you.
Write it down – learn the difference between real intuition and worries. Record your thoughts each time you thought your intuition told you something as well as what actually happened.
Pros and Cons – trying to calculate the pros and cons of a complex decision can be overwhelming. Studies showed people who went with their gut instinct were more satisfied with the end result.
Trust but check – don’t just leap ahead. When you need to consider something life changing you really should assess the facts too. Do research, talk to a trusted friend you know will be honest with you.

In a connected article in the same magazine, Emma Howard wrote the inner critic is likely to be demanding and repetitive, making you feel anxious and even physically ill. Your intuition however kicks in when something feels right and creates calm and peace.

What has been your best result of following your gut intuition?

Why self love matters

My next foray in to the School of Self Image with Tonya Leigh looks at why self love matters. Have you missed her guidance over the last few days?

TL noted that if you’ve ever been in love with someone the first few months are full of passion, romance, attentiveness, excitement and desire. The world suddenly feels warm and light instead of dull and gloomy. When you are in love chemicals in your brain create a sense of euphoria and pleasure. It has you doing those silly, giddy things like waking up early, dancing around to music, taking time getting ready. Resentment, doom and gloom and judgement melt away.

In the early stages of a new relationship you treat it with care, attentively. You are present and discovering more about the other person. You keep your promises. You don’t see the flaws in the other person. You give the relationship your full attention.

Do you treat yourself in the same way?

TL suggested that we tend to criticise ourselves, beat ourselves up over our mistakes, and then beat ourselves up over beating ourselves up. We resent the past and dread the future. We mistreat our bodies and retreat to avoid feelings. We end up finding distractions to avoid being with ourselves.

She proffers that if you want to attract love into your life, want to be happy and healthy, want to have a fulfilling career, wake up with a passion for life and exude confidence by treating yourself as you would treat a new lover. Treat yourself with compassion. Forgive yourself. Commit to becoming your own lover. Lovers rarely criticise, make nasty judgements or crude comments about each other. They respect, love and connect to each other.

Nothing you desire for yourself comes from self-hatred. Once you deeply love yourself you can no longer abandon yourself by self-destruction. You no longer treat yourself as worthless, or have to prove that you are deserving. You no longer let yourself down by not showing up for yourself, nor allow others to trample all over you. Instead you are connected to your body, needs and life. You respect your body as it is. You take control of your own time. You show up for what you decide is important. You love deeply and have fierce boundaries.

The only person who can change it is you. Starting with a fierce commitment to loving yourself. Its not easy. It begins with a decision, followed by constant awareness and courage.

TL suggested looking for something to love every day. It could be the sunset, music, your coffee. Show yourself some love by buying yourself some flowers, pay attention to your feelings and say no without explanation.

When you deeply love yourself there is nothing you cannot do, overcome or create. You’ll never feel alone or bored, or abandoned. You’ll be glowing like a person in love.

I may regret asking this but how do you plan to be your own lover this week?

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Oscar Wilde

Are you asking the right questions?

I read an article by Mark and Crystal Hansen about how to be better at asking questions and why it matters. In it, they suggested asking the right questions helps us to strive to become better, and when we strive to become better, everything around us becomes better too. Asking the right questions helps us to discover and transcend our limitations. Asking the right questions will help you to discover what your expectations are for your life, what your expectations are for others and your highest potential and service to humanity.

Asking questions affords continual advancement to the next step toward manifesting your dreams for a better life or better way of living. When we ask, inquire and question each other and allow the answers to come it can bring new understanding, or give feedback to improve a relationship, a project or personal goal.

But how do you know you’re asking the right kind of questions?

The Hansen’s offered four elements to put into practice to help strengthen your results:

Belief– believe and trust the answer is there somewhere, waiting for you. Expect it.
Action – take steps in the direction of your dreams even if you don’t have all the answers yet. Positive motion will help prompt more questions and open you up to being curious so your requests and inquiries become bigger and more relevant.
Visualisation – your imagination can create positive images and feelings around the answers you are seeking. Let yourself create mental pictures of your issues being resolved, relationships healed, wishes come true and dreams fulfilled.
Prayer –there is a wisdom in your practice that will become your greatest ally in fulfilling your destiny.

They then suggest journaling your answers the following questions:

Define your desires – what is it you really want? More cooperation? More intimacy? More friendship? More riches? More adventure? More love?

Connect to your core beliefs – what is driving your current state? Do you think you’re not worthy? Do you think your happiness is yours or someone else’s responsibility? Do you believe you deserve to have your greatest desires fulfilled?

Understanding someone else’s core beliefs – it is important to understand where someone else is coming from. How can you better understand other people’s core beliefs who matter to you? Asking is the key to understanding the people who are important in your personal or work life.

Honour your values – what is it that you would not be willing to compromise on, ever? Define it so you can ask for more understanding and honouring of your values when your values are challenged.

Heal misunderstandings – what does it cost you to hang on to the hurt? What do you gain by releasing it and starting over with a clean slate? What steps do you need to take for your to release this?

Discover the truth – everyone’s experiences are different. What we think is the truth is our own subjective view based on our own experiences. Ask others what their experience or reality is and have a better understanding of what really happened.

Define the next steps – where do you want to go to from here? What do you want to get out of the experience? What do you see as the best resolution or conclusion? Where od you see yourself in a year, or five years from now?

Is this the key to getting better, smarter, wiser, faster and strong in life?

6 Ways to use the Power of Procrastination

In October’s Woman & Home magazine there’s an article about how we should use the art of procrastination to allow time to reflect rather than react. We clearly can’t procrastinate about everything all the time otherwise nothing would ever get done, but there is a time for procrastinating to find the value of not rushing into things in order to complete them.

The article shares five tops tips from three experts in business, coaching and self-care:

Lean in gradually – don’t be afraid to let your mind wander and take its time before reaching a decision or taking action. Make sure you have all the information and let it sit for a while before moving forward. Create space away from the problem, do something else that helps soothe your mind before allowing the solution to come to you.
You time – don’t let yourself be pressured by others. Whether it’s committing to a night out with friends, a workplace problem or any difficult situation. Take a step back to assess the situation. Taking time out to think will help reduce stress and avoid rushing in to things you’re not comfortable with.
Headspace haven – day to day business can be hectic and a challenge. Making a specific to do list allows you to free up mind space. Break the tasks down into smaller more achievable tasks and be clear what the action is.
Be imperfect – You have limits, flaws and needs. When you feel under pressure ask yourself “Is this realistic?”, “How stressed am I right now?” “How can I break this down to be more manageable?”, “What’s the impact of reaching good enough but no perfect here?”. Reframe your goals and rather than aim to produce something perfect, make your new goal to take the first step or learn something new.
Overload overthrow – we can all usually cope with a few things happening at the same time but when they are all needing our full attention it can become overwhelming. One suggestion was to ”batch tasks for efficiency”. Decide on the order in which to tackle each task and how much time you are willing to spend on it, and then prioritise what’s important and urgent, rather than being distracted by what’s just arrived in your in box.
Small and slow – sometimes it’s hard to get started on a new task but that’s because we might still be mulling over how the tackle it and still planning it in our heads. The advice is to start slowing by scheduling bite sized time set aside to do things. Committing to a smaller task is much easier in terms of achievability and time constraints, but also provides a boost once it’s been completed and could spur you on to complete the full task. One suggestion was to break the task down into 90 days. Divide the year into 4 quarters and commit to focussing on a certain number of goals and tasks within that 90 days. Anything that doesn’t need to be done right now can shift to a latter quarter.

I can definitely be a procrastinator if there’s a task that I don’t really want to do, or I’m not sure how to start it, or it’s such a big task that I can’t see the wood for the trees on where or how to tackle it, or if it’s such a big task it seems like it’ll never end.

I have talked before about the need to declutter at home and it always seems such an overwhelming task to even start. I never know where to even begin with it. I’ve watched Marie Kondo and her idea on how to declutter and organise the home category by category rather than room by room and I did start to do that with my own papers and space. But for now, that’s still a massive procrastination brick wall for me.

How will you use the power of procrastination to tackle a problem?

12 Don’ts for living an elegant life

Elegance is not about wearing pearls or having lots of money and fancy things. You can be an elegant home body or office worker. It’s a state of mind, a quality that can be possessed regardless of where you come from, financial status or career. Elegance usually results from what we let go of rather than what we do.

Here is a list of 12 things my podcast fave Tonya Leigh suggested were things that elegant people don’t do to increase joy, productivity and success:

Don’t waste time on social media. Enjoy it but don’t spend hours scrolling. You could using that time better to learn something new, clean out the wardrobe, read, spending quality time with someone, working on a side hustle, or doing absolutely nothing.
Don’t obsess over what everyone else is doing. Enjoy whatever you are doing not worrying about what everyone else is doing. Focus on your own life masterpiece.
Don’t try to change other people’s behaviour. Focus on showing up as the best version of yourself, having boundaries around what to and not to accept. Allow people to be who they are. Take control over your own emotional life.
Don’t worry about things they can’t control, like other people. It takes energy away in a different direction from supporting your best life. Focus your attention on what you do have control over.
Don’t dwell on the past. The past doesn’t define you, learn and grow for the experience and define what you do and don’t want from life. Think about the future you want to create.
Don’t flaunt money and material things. Don’t use belongings to try to show how fabulous you are. You are fabulous anyway, because of who you are, not what you possess.
Don’t try to do everything. Don’t be afraid to say no to the many things to focus on the few things that elevate your quality of life.
Don’t’ do clutter. Let go of the things that don’t fit into the life you desire. Say no to excess, allowing things into your life if you love it, and it makes your life better.
Don’t dream the day away. Be disciplined, and stick to the plan. Don’t be distracted by outside influences that pull you off plan.
Don’t over complicate things. Keep it simple and effective. Ash “how can I make this easier”? Work smarter not harder. Do what’s necessary or important and edit everything else.
Don’t try to be perfect. Don’t try too hard to be elegant. It comes from embracing the good, bad and the ugly elements of yourself. Embrace your dark side and flaws and understand it’s what makes you unique.
Don’t take life for granted. Start and end your day with a grateful heart. Focus on the best of life to attract the best.

Becoming elegant is an ongoing process. Ask yourself:

Do you crave more elegance in your life?
What action will you take to live a more elegant life this week?

I shall be spending this coming week enjoying a holiday break, visiting other places, taking in new experiences, sights and culture, eating great food in different restaurants, partaking of the elegant lifestyle of a holiday maker.

Dump the junk to cultivate a beautiful mind

Choosing what information we consume can directly affect our mood and thoughts for the day, so choose wisely. Respect your mind- if you take in junk you’ll probably feel trashy, if you take in beauty your mind will reflect that.

Podcast fave Tonya Leigh suggested that consuming trash, gossip, negativity, fear-based media and other people’s drama makes us feel sad. This can in turn send us on a spiral of then eating junk, then feeling back for having eaten junk, and so on, in a toxic cycle. When you intentionally cultivate a beautiful state of mind, we feel lighter, so feed your mind with beautiful things.

TL suggested challenging yourself to take an inventory of the information you consume and upgrade it where it’s not serving you well. Ask these questions:

Does it inspire you?
Do you feel more joyful afterwards?
Does it turn you on?
Does it make you feel happy?
Does it excite you?
Is your social media doing it for you?
Do you feel a better person for having read/watched/listened to it?

In order to cultivate a beautiful mind have high standards for what you read, watch and listen to. You can change the channel, throw away the book/magazine, turn the station over or leave the room.

Limit the time spent on social media. The algorithms fill your feeds with junk and negativity, so find sites and a space that shares inspirational quotes and is intentionally lighter.

One way to start the day with good thoughts TL suggested was to journal gratitude and intentions for the day ahead first thing in the morning. It puts good thoughts in your mind right at the start of the day. Listen to music that invigorates you and consume something that inspires you, read a book, watch a YouTube video or listen to a podcast.

I stopped watching the news on tv a long time ago. It was all doom and gloom and nothing good seemed to be happening in the world and it seemed to just want to find the bad in everyone and everything. That doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on in the world, or I’m deluding myself about things, but I choose not to be overwhelmed by it. The tv in our house doesn’t tend to go on before 6pm anyway, and even then we choose light entertainment programmes, the occasional drama or something educational.

I did a social media cull recently. I unfollowed a lot of people and sites who were no longer doing it for me, people who only post negative stories or try to stir up trouble, or simply begging for attention. I found sites that offered inspiration, hope and were full of vibrancy.

I am terrible at journaling. I’ve tried several times and I guess the nearest thing I’ve got to is this blog, but it doesn’t really demonstrate the gratitude and intentions very well, other than my intention to be a better person that I was yesterday by learning more about myself.

I do read a fair bit, but often quite specifically around a subject I want to learn more about and I always try to find both sides of an argument.

And of course I do listen to podcasts. Tonya Leigh’s School of Self Image being the current favourite. I started right from episode one so I have a bit of catching up, and I’m not apologising for the regular references to it. If you find something that resonates, I say it’s a good thing to share it. I was also recently referred to The Melissa Ambrosini Show which promises to bring insightful interviews to shift mind-set, inspire into action and fuel the soul. I haven’t listened to any yet, but I have one in my queue ready to go before deciding whether to subscribe or not. I have others that are comedic so bring a smile to my face as I’m on my lunchtime walk.

How do you cultivate your beautiful mind?

3 ways to pay attention to daily details

Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay

Most people rush though the details of every day without giving them a second thought, leaving them feeling stress, overwhelmed and unfulfilled. When you pay attention to three areas every day makes everything work so much better, in relationships, work, heath, happiness, makes you a better person. So says, my current podcast fave Tonya Leigh.

TL suggested that most people who reach older age don’t focus on celebrating what they’ve wasted time on. There is work to do, commitments to honour and bills to pay, and most of our obsession is on things way outside of our intimate circle of daily life. Take care of the details of intimate life before engaging on wasteful activates.

Five year and long term plans have their place but they are off in the distance and we often forget the best things in life are happening right in front of us, right here, right now. Consider what’s really important in how our daily lives look and fell. Take care of daily life before chasing after some goal that doesn’t give you anything other than ticking something off a to-do list.

TL suggested bringing your attention back to the details of daily life and showing up for the fundamental areas of your life:

Home – This is where memories are created, where you wake up each morning and where you are held in times of need. It deserves some TLC even if it’s not your ideal home at the present time. Make it meaningful and luxurious. After all, at the end of a bad day at the office, a broken heart or when you are sick, this is the place that holds you. Treat it with respect. If it’s messy it’s a fair indication that your mind is probably chaotic. If it’s tidy, your mind is probably at peace. Make it a place to love and enjoy.
What you eat – Take time to pause and eat good, nutritious food. Make time to find good, fresh food and cook it. This will support your body and how you show up in the world.
What you wear – How often do you just grab for the first thing in the wardrobe. Choose your clothes for the day ahead intentionally. Style is your self-expression, telling the world who you are without saying a word. What does your wardrobe say about you? Express yourself with intention and daily respect.

Paying attention to the daily details leads to a life well lived. Taking care of these three areas are more likely to attract the bigger things in life. They impact the quality of your life. This is an ongoing process though, so don’t beat yourself up if you are not achieving this all the time. It’s not about perfections, but awareness.

For me, the biggest issue I currently have is home. As I’ve mentioned before it’s full of stuff. Every surface has papers, books, files, magazines and much more on. If I ask C where something is, he can tell me immediately, but our home is cluttered and messy (not dirty though). I have to navigate round piles of things on the floor, most of which is his or #bellringing stuff waiting to be sorted. There is very little surface space, or indeed floor space, even in our bedroom. It’s almost too much to tackle and because most of it isn’t mine, I can’t sort through it. I do try from time to time to go through my own stuff, and I’m usually quite ruthless about throwing things out.

Eating is getting better for me now as I’m actually eating more fruit. I have at least three portions most days. I have even chosen a lighter, healthier meal when we were last out at a restaurant. I am much more confident about eating what it good for me, and we have always cooked from fresh.

I recently gave my wardrobe a makeover, and have a quarterly delivery from Lookerio where I get sent five items to choose from that a stylist has picked out for me. I have also spent rather a lot recently on new clothes. I’ve been bagging up some of my old stuff I no longer wish to wear ready to pass on. There’s not much wrong with the items I’m bagging up, they just don’t reflect my current outlook on life.

Which of these areas is begging for your attention?