How will you play big in the coming year? Sometimes we have no idea, our head can be filled with so many should versus our desires. What do you really want? It can feel small in comparison to everyone else. That doesn’t mean you’re afraid of putting big desires out there.
Podcast fave, Tonya Leigh, tells us that it needn’t be one big goal but a collection of smaller things you want to create and experience. The biggest act of bravery is to love what you love and want what you want.
TL says that we spend a lot of our formative years listening to other people’s opinions of what we should do in life. No one gets to decide your version of big, except you.
Of course, that won’t stop others having an opinion on that; some may think you’re thinking too big whilst others may think you’re thinking too small. Don’t allow them to project their beliefs and limitations on to you. Let them think what they want. Decide what feels true for you. It could be a solo round the world trip, or growing flowers in your garden. Your version of big will stretch, challenge and delight you.
TL implores not to chase big things but to follow your big soul. No two souls are alike. What does your soul call you to think, create and fell? It will guide you if you listen.
Want what you want unapologetically. If you want to earn £1million or you want to sell everything and live in a tent, so long as you like your reason for doing it, that is your big. You don’t have to justify it or explain it to anyone else, so long as it’s true for you.
Your definition of your big will evolve as you do. Put the effort into learning and educating yourself for what your big is at this moment.
New Psychologies Magazine out means new 10 question quiz to do for funzies. This month’s topic is all about “What mental shift do you need to thrive?” Through questioning what your core values revolve around, what your default response is when asked how you are, when you feel most contented, what you find hard to make time for, when you feel most like yourself, your go to role within a group, what others think of you, how you react to uncertainty, how you were encouraged as a child and what knocks your self-esteem, the answer to how your mind-set may be holding you back in life is mystically revealed.
For me, the answers were the closest run thing of all the quizzes I’ve done. I had equal numbers of responses to 3 out of the 4 possible groups. I scored the same for self-awareness, self-enquiry and self-acceptance. When I read through the responses, I did identify bits of myself amongst them.
Self-awareness:
When much of the day is made up of tasks to tick off its natural to look at what has been achieved to construct a sense of self. That might be fine for now but problems arise when what fills the day doesn’t align with core values of offer a sense of meaning. Without self-awareness it’s easy for habit to shape experience of the world and affect connection with yourself. Are you doing too much to numb feelings of disquiet about the direction life is going, or about certain relationships? In answer to the question “who are you”? would you struggle to answer if you couldn’t list what you do? If life feels safe and stable, your gut instinct may tell you to avoid inviting disruption and uncertainty but could you allow a some space for daily stillness and curiosity about the weather pattern inside through mindfulness, yoga or a walk in nature? Just make sure it doesn’t also become a task to be ticked off a list. If it does, reduce it to simply pausing in the day and enquiring with curiosity: how am I reacting to this? what are my thoughts and emotions?
I very much focus on a list of things to do each day. If I get at least three quarters of the way through the list then I’m satisfied. It could include mundane daily things like getting out of bed (sometimes that’s difficult) as well as the actual work that needs doing, or things that need doing for #bellringing stuff I’m working on. I have a To Do list next to my laptop at home and almost every day I add something else to it. I have always found it really hard to think about who I am. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt etc, I’m a manager, a PRO to varying degrees of success or failure. But who am I deep down? No idea. I exist. I do stuff.
Self-enquiry:
Those who are more concerned about the needs of others may find their sense of self is tenuous at times. Do you feel put on the spot when conversations turn to what you want? When your value and identity gets too closely bound with making others happy, your development may suffer. It’s OK if you struggle to define who you are, and you may feel different every day but if the thought of exploring yourself creates unease, it may be that you worry that if you take the time to probe your inner landscape, you’ll find a blank space. Humans are ever changing beings that respond to everything around them, including their relationships. The irony is that improving your relationship with yourself is the most effective way to be there for others. It’s OK to look to others to work out who you are, but if the energy of your key relationships is always focused on gaining approval, you may need to consciously make space for self-enquiry. For many, that means therapy and for others it could be more time spent on creative projects that offer self-expression.
Again, I do find it really hard to think about what I want, what are my passions and desires, what do I want to achieve or become. That changes all the time. One day I want to have my own cake business. Another day I want to be a full time PR person. Another day I want to stay where I am and run projects, or be in charge of a department or function. Another day I don’t want to have to go to work anymore and another day I don’t want to be at home all the time. I can never really answer questions like “what do I enjoy doing” or “what do you find fun”. The thought of therapy appals me. Not that I think it has stigma attached to it, I think it can be extremely useful for some people in certain situations. But I remember how horribly uncomfortable I was when I went to antenatal classes and they tried to the relaxation techniques. If anything, it wound me up more. I was better off left alone. The coaching sessions I’ve had that have asked what I want to achieve I’ve struggled to find an answer to. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I enjoy, I don’t know what I find fun.
Self-acceptance
When you see yourself as a work in progress, accepting yourself, flaws and all, can feel risky, as if you’ll never reach your potential. But if your self-image is based on not being enough, and your inner narrative hones in on what you see as your faults, you might feel you’ll never flourish. It’s true that the self is dynamic and we all change in response to our environment and the people we interact with, but a sense of self can provide a firm foundation for growth and make us more resilient. The key to allowing yourself to flourish lies in your relationship with yourself. Do you treat yourself in a way that you would never treat anyone else? Sometimes, self-criticism isn’t overt and lurks in seemingly harmless habits such as comparing your life to others on social media. There is nothing wrong with wanting to grow, learn and be your best self, but true personal development starts with self-acceptance. When you start where you are, you face the world without pretence, and show up just as you are. A journey of self-acceptance may take time, but its transformative effects can be life-changing.
I do see myself as a work in progress, and through what I’m beginning to read around and start to experiment with e.g. meditations etc, I am trying to find some inner acceptance of who I am. I know that I’m far from perfect. I do have a sense that I’m never quite good enough. But for who? Sometimes, I just not quite good enough as a wife, or mother, or sister, or daughter or boss, or friend, or leader. I don’t really compare my life to others on social media, I’m quite good at separating someone else’s life from mine. We have different experiences, different situations, different finances and different attitudes to what’s important. I’m not bothered about keeping up with the Jones’.
I guess I still have a lot of questions to ask myself, and need to give myself the freedom to really think about them, not just the superficial stuff on the surface.
Sometimes, I just don’t have any ideas. I feel uninspired, unfocussed and generally “meh” about things. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen frequently, but every now and then I feel like there’s nothing there. I can talk with others, inspirational people, and still have nothing to contribute or feel that is worth sharing.
Clinical psychologist Dr Terry Singh suggests that to get unstuck we need to understand that getting unstuck is not the same as feeling better about something, or successfully changing, rather that is it the first step towards change. He suggests starting with focussing on the experience of being stuck, this could be something physiological, a tensing or chest tightening, that could lead on to feelings of anxiety. Knowing what you know about yourself, your feelings and experiences and so on is what helps you get unstuck. We need to delve deeply into those experiences; usually we only scratch the surface when we consider our experience of the moment. Think about what you are thinking, one or many thoughts, physical feelings, level of comfort/discomfort, emotions – present or absent and intensity. Dr Singh says it’s important not to take shortcuts when we consider our experience. Taking a closer look at the blind spots in our experience is the key to unlocking change.
We need to look at our physical state and how that impacts our internal state and impacting our thoughts and emotions. It could be something simple like drinking too much coffee first thing in the morning is not likely to help you if you have high anxiety levels.
Getting unstuck is more nuanced. Singh says “Paying attention to your experience is a skill just like riding a bike. The more we practice paying attention to our experience in our daily lives, the better we get at it. The better we get at it, the less likely we are to get stuck when faced with a problem”.
When I have moments of creative block I usually remove myself from the scene. Take time out to do something else and forget about whatever it was I was stuck with and go back to it another time. Some suggest that you should ignore your most creative time of day and do whatever it is you’re stuck on at your least creative time of day. This might be because you could be more insightful at non-optimal times of the day. The focused energy can sometimes crowd out the eureka moments.
For some, according to a study by researchers in Germany, turning lights down low helps with a sense of freedom and reduces inhibition, which in turn can increase creative and help us come up with new solutions.
One that I have done myself, so can testify to it actually working, is to share the idea with someone that you don’t always agree with. They will be your harshest critic and argue and debate it with you. Having to defend your ideas helps expose its weaknesses and offers different viewpoints.
The best suggestion of all, not that I’m advocating we should all do it, is to get slightly tipsy. Alcohol decreases focus, which would not be good if you had to do something highly analytical, but it’s great for brainstorming. How many times have we heard that the “best ideas happen in the pub”.
Next time I get stuck for an idea, I crack open a beer! Cheers.
Predictability is all well and good, and there’s certainly a place for having a routine that helps you navigate the day, especially when you have lots going on. But it can feel like being stuck in a rut or on a merry-go-round at times, when things happen and there’s no energy or enthusiasm in it.
Every now and then its good to mix things up a bit. Now, I’m certainly someone that likes a bit of regimented routine, I like to plan things well in advance, and I am conscious that there’s a lot in the diary to keep me occupied. Having a lot in the diary isn’t the same though. A lot of those things are the same only slightly different. There are #bellringing meetings. They could be with different groups of people about slightly different topics, but essentially they are meetings about #bellringing. Then there’s actually ringing, currently the online version, however C and I have been continuing to ring two bells at the Cathedral on a Sunday morning to keep things ticking over. Again, that’s all a bit predictable and “safe”.
Even doing small things differently can help us keep that enthusiasm going. Something as simple as trying a different menu option on the takeaway menu can add a bit of intrigue.
Every now and then something larger scale needs to happen to really shake things up a bit. Maybe rearrange the furniture in the lounge. Redecorate. Take cooking lessons. Learn a new skill.
Think Big – don’t let self-imposed limits hold you back.
Work hard for yourself, no one else.
Be inspired. Find out what makes you tick and do more of that.
Do something regularly that scares you. Maybe send that report you’re worried out what reception it will receive. Put yourself out there. Do that talk. Challenge your fears.
Travel. Locally, nationally, internationally. Investigate other people and places.
Find ways to be more productive. Working from home can free up commute time that you could do something else in.
Find out when you’re most productive. If you’re more switched on first thing in the morning, or last thing at night, do your best work then.
Be responsible for your own life. Your health, wealth, your environment and well-being.
Live your dream, not someone else’s.
Unlearn things. Having more or bigger stuff doesn’t mean its better.
Spend within your limits. If the cash isn’t in your account, you shouldn’t get it. You’ll end up paying twice as much in the long run.
Be outdoors as much as you can, taking in the natural world. If you can take your laptop or phone outside for meetings then do that.
Don’t sit around all day. Move. Your body will thank you.
Declutter. Do you need all that stuff? What purpose does it serve? Would someone else benefit from it?
I think I’ve probably mentioned this before, but how we choose to respond to outside stimuli, pressures and events is entirely within our own undertaking. We can choose to get wound up by things, or we can choose to let it go.
My first day back at work this week was horrid. By the end of the day I was absolutely sure that the conversation when I got home was going to be around how much longer I would have to put up with this. C was his usual stoic self and confirmed my worst fear that I would have to stick it out for a few more years yet. Damn. I felt exhausted after just 1 day back in the office. I felt dejected. I felt well and truly fed up. This has a physical impact as well. I was unmotivated to do anything else and I stuffed my face with crisps and chocolate. I felt physically sick at the prospect of having to go back the next day and deal with it all, all over again.
Fast forward a few days and I’m in a much better frame of mind. The plans I put in place on Monday have had a positive result and things are looking ok for the coming week. I’ve also made the conscious observation, out loud to others, about what I am currently employed to do versus what I get dragged back in to, through necessity, but that I shouldn’t really, and the impact that is having both on trying to deliver what it is I’m supposed to be doing, but also providing the right kind of support to those in the department. A fuller conversation as to how that plays out is happening later this week.
My point being, my mind-set had changed. I had chosen to not allow the frustrations at the beginning of the week to overshadow the rest of the week. I packed that day away and moved on. I’m not pretending it was an easy transition. I still woke up on the Tuesday really not wanting to go to work.
According to the Mayo Clinic (https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950), whether you are a pessimist or an optimist can have an effect on your longer term mental health, but also has physical manifestations too. Being more positive doesn’t mean that you gloss over the difficult things but that by approaching them in a more positive way can be more productive. Making the best out of a bad situation. Thinking positively can improve life span, reduce depression and distress, provide greater resistance to colds and better psychological and physical wellbeing, cardiovascular health and general better coping skills.
By focusing on positive thinking we can identify areas of life that may need changing, stopping to check on our thinking and finding ways to put a positive spin on it. By being open to allowing yourself to have a laugh during difficult times can help you feel less stressed. Following a healthy lifestyle is often cited, and probably the one I do least of. Surrounding yourself with positivity will rub off on you and practicing positive self-talk will help you realise that you have a lot to be thankful for.
I’m heading to the end of this week with a much more positive outlook that I had at the beginning.
No surprises but there are 24 hours in a day. How we spend them is our choice. Whether we spend them wisely is debatable. Some people profess to be really good at time management whilst others feel that there isn’t enough time to get everything done. Is time slipping away from us or are we wasting it?
The latest dossier in Psychologies Magazine goes into some detail about where commitment lies, understanding procrastination, understanding how we currently spend our time and prioritising what’s important. It offers some advice on timekeeping tips for the proverbial laters. Then comes the inevitable 10 question test to determine what stops you making the most of your time.
My results indicated the dominant trait of overthinking, putting hours into mulling over events, conversations, decisions and tasks. This leads to being overwhelmed and worry that others seem to be more productive. Others may be unaware the extent of the overthinking because the outward impression is one of calm. It suggests that I should schedule worry time and limit it to 15 minutes.
A close second was overcommitment, a difficulty in saying no to opportunity and helping others. But if that time does not align with core values it will undermine wellbeing. The challenge here is to find space in my life to connect with the people I love and nurture new connections. Resist the urge to fill all the time up.
Both easier said than done. Today for example. First day back at work after 2 weeks off. By midday I was already feeling that I’d had enough. I didn’t want to be there. By the end if the day I was starting to seriously consider my get out strategy. I had a meeting in the evening I had a zoom call which was fine, not anything stressful, just a bit of preplanned for something which may, or may not, be happening next week.
I’ll try and give tomorrow a fresh start and not worry about the things that I can’t do anything about. And it’ll be C’s birthday so I intend to spend the evening with him and not worrying about what else still needs to be done.
My sister bought me this book for my birthday last week. I thought I’d better take more than a cursory look at it. It claims to have 50 ways to make this the best year EVER. The book is set out in chapters based on making the most of turning 50, planning the best year EVER, implementing the plan, treating yourself well, having fun, looking back, looking within, expressing gratitude, putting things in order, eliminating what you don’t need, giving and looking forward.
Each chapter has key questions to help you analyse yourself and figure how to make the most of turning 50, thought experiences to delve a little deeper and activities to do. It does say that you can dip in and out of the book, fast forward to the bits that most interest you and so on but being a pedant, I started at the beginning.
Way #1 Accept your age.
Thought experiment 1 asks you to make a list of people you admire who are over fifty and who are living terrific lives and make a note of what you admire about how this person is living their life. OK, so first thing is to think of people over 50 who I admire.
I’m not going to list them all here because some of them might read this and either be embarrassed or disagree. I’ve written each of them in the book. Suffice to say that it includes C, my parents and siblings, a few former work colleagues, and some ringers I know. In some cases, I admire what they have achieved over adversity. In others I admire what they’re currently doing with their lives, and if I’m honest, I’m probably a bit jealous of. Some I admire because I wish I were more like them.
The key questions were what are some benefits of turning 50? and What are you looking forward to this year?
I guess benefits might include being that little bit wiser sometimes. Having more opportunities to reflect on what I want out of life and trying to achieve a better work/life balance. Nearer to retirement age (although still some considerable way to go). Looking forward to getting to see R again. This year has been an exception and we haven’t been able to spend time together, so as soon as we can we’ll do that. Can plan for the trip that we should have had for my 50th birthday.
Thought experiment 2: what concerns do you have about turning fifty? What challenges are you experiencing or expecting? Which of those can’t you change? What constructive actions can you take regarding that item?
I’m not really bothered about turning 50. It’s just a number. I guess ill health, or my level of unfitness is probably going to be an issue at some point. I’m feeling less tolerant of other people, which I need to reign in a bit sometimes and there are other things that I’d rather be doing with my time but have to work instead. I can’t change that for a few more years yet unless something amazing comes up, like winning the lottery.
So today our Prime Minister has set out a road map to ending the UK lockdown completely by 21st June. To be honest I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Outdoor gatherings of up to 6 people could take place from 29 March. That means people will start mixing long before many have had both vaccine jabs. Therefore increasing the risk of spreading again.
Non essential shops like hairdressers etc and outdoor hospitality could be open again by 12 April. That’s good news for R and her flatmate who’ll be able to return to work. It also means that beer gardens will be open again so the idiots whose “first thing I’m gonna do is go down the pub” mentality will again be people gathering who haven’t had both jabs, increasing the risk.
From 17 May 2 households might be able to mix indoors. That means we’ll be able to go and see R for the first time since about November. It also means a possible return to ringing more than just 2 bells.
Then all restrictions could be lifted by 21 June. That is provided the 4 tests on vaccine take up, vaccine efficacy, infection rates and new variants get passed. There will still be great numbers of people that won’t have had the 2 vaccine jabs yet.
Whilst I want there to be people at work and people being able to see family members, its the idiots who go too far by flouting the rules and are purely selfish about it all that puts it all at risk again.
Nothing like a crisis to get the adrenaline going. Its all going a bit Pete Tong at the moment with former colleagues dying due to Covid-19 and staff off with either positive results or self-isolating, meaning that the service is about to fall on its knees. However, a few strategically placed phone calls and lots of toing and froing has resulted in a bit of a plan that should help the situation a bit. Also some positive clinical engagement, which was fantastic.
I’m not usually one that responds very well to instant and urgent changes, and trying to solve immediate problems. I like to ruminate over things, check all the facts, formulate a plan, get everyone involved. Time was not on our side so this week, and today in particular, have been very much making things up on the hoof, last minute conversations and plans, no time to overly consult, only with those that are critical, put a series of actions together and BAM! I can head in to the weekend slightly more relaxed about the prospects of the week ahead.
I feel surprisingly buzzy about it all to be honest. The time has flown by, I’ve not been wondering what task to do next. I’ve jumped from one conversation to the next, to the next and to the next. I don’t think I could sustain that level of activity or focus for too long, and admire those that do and those that work in environments that require that fast paced thinking and problem solving.
When adrenaline kicks in it stimulates our “flight or fight” responses. When the body is flooded with adrenaline it helps focus and engages the brain, improving cognitive responses. A bit like a massive caffeine hit. Apparently, it can improve your eye sight as the pupils dilate, and improves respiration. Even after the triggering event there can be a residual feeling of high vigilance and excitement and can intensify those feelings. As well as a burst of energy and strength the immune system gets a little boost too. (https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/71144/8-reasons-little-adrenaline-can-be-very-good-thing)
So, having started the day with the sad news of another colleague dying and not feeling like I wanted to really do much, at the end of the working day, I’m now bursting with energy and enthusiasm. Just as well as I’m hosting a virtual #bellringing session tonight and had better be on my A game.
I do not think I’m the adventurous type at all. I like home comforts. I like routine. I like to know what I’m doing and when so that I can plan around it. I’m not particularly great at trying new experiences. Although I did do an abseil once. I did go skiing when I was at school. I do like to travel and see different places. And I did make my husband do husky sledging a few years back. But I’m not spontaneous, or good at thinking of what others might see as exciting things to do.
So, I thought I’d try and find out what the experts say about whether I’m an adventurous sort or not and turned to one of those on line quizzes that thinks its gets to know all about you and your preferences by asking you a mere 10 multiple choice questions. According to the results:
You are excited by new experiences
Cosmopolitan, smart and savvy, above all, you get your kicks from interesting experiences. You flourish when your mind and senses are nourished and flounder in a cultural vacuum. The buzz of a new exhibit, the hush as the theatre curtain parts, or the flavours of a new cuisine all excite your palate and thrill your thoughts. For you, the conventional is dreary. Because you open yourself up to a wide array of artistic and intellectual interests, your world is ever expanding.
Well, as it happens, yes I do like the theatre. We do try to at least make an annual trip to see a West End show each Christmas time (2020 being the exception) and if anything else takes our fancy in the mean time we’d go along. I do like to learn new things and educate myself. I enjoy certain types of museums and exhibits and enjoy a good National Trust property or English Heritage site. I do like eating, so trying new things from time to time is good, and when we are on holiday abroad I do like to try something that might be considered local cuisine (so long as its not fish!).
So I might not be adventurous in the sense that I like to do extreme things like water sports (I have a phobia of water so that’s not going to work), or bungee jumping, or fast paced stuff, I’m more of a slow, steady adventurer. I’m less keen on the “let’s do something crazy” and go for more of the “let’s plan a nice trip out”.
A while back I did do a year (and am probably still doing it) of saying “yes” to everything that came my way. This was both exciting to take on new challenges but worrying as some of the things I was asked to do put me in the spotlight, somewhere I’m not comfortable with. However, it did give me a chance to connect with new people, and has stretched my own learning and capacity. The downside is that I now get involved in lots of things that I can’t always give sufficient time to. So there’s a fine balance needed.
So, maybe I am unconventionally adventurous and my world is ever expanding, just slowly.
Bells, Bakes & Bettering Myself 