How to keep that love alive

Image by 👀 Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay

C and I will have been married 25 years in March and together for 29 come the summer. Sometimes it can be difficult to feel the love. It’s always there, but sometimes the romance might be missing in favour of practicalities, or we simply co-exist in an easy-going fashion. We are always fully supportive of each other and back each other up when it matters.

March’s Psychologies Magazine (out in January, really?!!) has an article on keeping the love alive in which it suggests cultivating lasting love is a bit like nurturing plants in a greenhouse rather than leaving them to the frost. How you think about your relationship directly impacts your experience of it by shaping your feelings and influencing your actions.

Some couples have great chemistry and magnetism, know themselves really well and communicate brilliantly. Most couples, claims Cate Mackenzie, have some issues that need to be worked through. When you’re with a partner longer term you get to experience deeper growth and develop into a more authentic and well-rounded person as a result of being challenged and learning how to be in a relationship. Rather than thinking about how your partner should change in order to improve your relationship, Mackenzie suggests shifting the focus to yourself. Invest in your friendships, make time for fun and consider therapy if you think it will help. These can all help you become a friendlier person, which can lift a relationship. Take responsibility for you own needs and wants and journey into your own vulnerability and authenticity.

So followed the ten-question quiz to determine what you need to allow love to flourish. Although my answers were quite spread across the board, the majority of results (by two points) for me pointed to “Commitment”. The response was:

“It’s good to have clarity about what you expect from a relationship, but sometimes high standards become unrealistic expectations. In a healthy relationship, differences are valued and each partner grows by understanding the triggers for conflict between you. But that can be hard, and sometimes it’s easier to give up and look elsewhere for a ‘better fit’.

When small irritations spiral out of control, they can trigger an exhausting internal debate about whether or not the relationship is working. But sometimes, being hyper-aware of other people’s faults is a defence mechanism to avoid commitment. When we stop ourselves from feeling completely connected, we’re protecting ourselves against being hurt by rejection.

It might take your partner threatening to leave for you to feel certain about your feelings for them – which can be painful for both of you. If your partner’s ‘faults’ were there when you met, but didn’t put you off, your focus on them as the relationship progresses may be fuelled by commitment anxiety. Explore with compassionate curiosity what scares you about intimacy. Professional help from a therapist ca help you gain the perspective you need.”

I came from a four-year relationship where my opinion didn’t matter, I was constantly made to feel inferior and whilst it was ok for him to ‘bump into’ ex-girlfriends down the pub, if I so much mentioned another guy’s name, apparently, I was a tramp and on the pull. It took me four years to pluck up the courage to leave that relationship. I vowed at that point that no-one would ever treat me that way again.

I won’t pretend everything is perfect with my relationship with C, we have our moments albeit very rarely, but mostly, it’s secure, loving and equal. We both do what we want with our friends without the other getting jealous. We share a hobby which we can either do together or separately. We are fully supportive of the other’s actions. I certainly won’t be looking for a ‘better fit’ because I don’t believe there is one. I have it already, thank you.

I guess there is an element of protecting myself from getting hurt or rejected and sometime that does boil over in certain situations. I suspect there’s an element of both of us having been hurt in the past but we found each other and helped heal those wounds. I get less and less bothered by ‘faults’ and accept our relationship as it is.

I got a goodun and I plan on keeping him.

Check your connectedness

A new year offers an opportunity to reflect and take stock of life. Cultivating an attitude of learning from experience makes that reflection an opportunity for growth and transformation. Its not so much what you did but what you understand and work with, how you give it meaning and how you integrate it into you life. In practical terms the aim is to open yourself to connections to your body and the energy that flows from it, to your gut and heart, your feelings and emotions, your mind ideas, beliefs and narratives, and your soul, your connection beyond your physical self.

In this article by Jan Day, she explored one of the most important ways people connect with each other is through touch. It’s crucial to our sense of wellbeing, and many have experienced that loss during the pandemic. Even a small touch can affect the way we feel and act positively.

Physical touch also impacts our care and compassion for others. Many people reported during the pandemic that they felt much less connected when they were kept away from others. Getting back in touch, literally, is worth spending some time on now. Whether we’re selecting fruit from the market, stroking a pet, walking in the woods or being intimate with a partner, it can provide a balance of energies of the body, heart and mind and you can feel the sense of being alive.

Before we can fully reconnect with others, we need to reconnect with ourselves. Day offered an exercise to focus on your relationship with your own body by breathing slowing as you use your hands to soothe and stroke yourself as you are cradling your arms around yourself. Sounds a bit weird but Day said as you notice what you are feeling, opening and closing your eyes, notice any thoughts that arise and how you felt afterwards.

Once you’re ready to reconnect with others its worth thinking about how touch plays a part in relationships. Giving and receiving touch in turns with others (probably safest to try this with your partner first) may be easier. You can voice whether or not you want to be touched or not, but that doesn’t mean you’re bad, untrustworthy or unlikable, just that you don’t have to endure touch you don’t enjoy.

When you’re ready to move on to reconnecting with the power of your mind, Day suggested choosing a situation where you are not getting the outcome you want. Run through it in your mind or write it down in the present tense and relive what actually happened in your perception. Don’t worry about whether it was true or not, if you think it happened, it will be affecting you whether it happened that way or not. Then imagine you can change it so that it happened just the way you wanted it to. It can be helpful to image and give yourself permission to allow yourself a different experience in your mind. Make sure you stay connected with your body and your feelings. Notice what resources you got from reliving it differently.

In connecting with your body, feelings in your gut and heart and the stories you create in your mind, you create capacity for joy, pleasure that will expand and happiness will arise naturally, rather than simply being a goal.

I’m not a particularly touchy, feely sort but I do appreciate a sense of connectedness to those around me. C and I often hold hands on the sofa, link feet in bed, and rub each others’ shoulders as we walk past. I like to hold R tight when I do get the chance to hug her, which isn’t very often. I need to make that feeling last until the next time I get the chance.

I don’t suppose I’ll ever feel comfortable with the whole huggy, kissy thing that some families do but I can appreciate a sense of connection by being in proximity.

Have you tried shedding?

No, I don’t mean building or living in a shed. I mean shedding the baggage of your past, or things that no longer serve you, so you can become the best version of yourself.

I’ve started a bit of that during 2021 and will do some more over the coming year. Its been quite liberating to let go of past feelings, thoughts, behaviours, expectations, old habits and loyalties. I’ve started to foster a different outlook on life that focuses on what’s important to me. I’ve started to feel more confident in my abilities, in myself, and am exploring more of what makes me happy.

In February’s Platinum magazine (anyone else concerned February’s magazines are already out and we haven’t finished December yet?), Julie Leonard offered five ways to make shedding as successful, and painless, as possible:

Follow the seasons – there is a natural transition in the seasons, usually spring and autumn. These might be the ideal time to naturally embrace a fresh start.
Clarify – take time to visualise and gain clarity on the life you want to lead. Knowing what’s important and the direction you want your life to go will help you identify the things that no longer work for you.
Say goodbye – its said that you are the five people you surround yourself with. Who is in your life? Do they support you and cheer you on? Are they positive and encouraging? Can you be your true self around them? If not, it might be time to say goodbye.
Refrigerator- shedding is not a selfish act but a healthy process. Reframe any negativity and self doubt, let go of guilt and give yourself permission to choose who and what you have in your life.
Make a list – write down all the areas of your life you need to examine: relationships, duties, loyalties, habits, fun, learning, home, work. Then under each heading list all things related to it, then ask yourself do I love it? Is it useful? Does it bring me joy? Does it bring me meaning and purpose? Does it fit with my vision of the life I want? If the answer is no, time to shed it.

There will be some more shedding of habits, limiting beliefs and self doubt to come along with reframing relationships. I have already drawn a mindmap of different people in my life and what I want to achieve in those relationships. Mostly its around lowering my expectations/desire from others, whilst upping my own game. I intend to give extra consideration, care and attention, with more effort to communicate.

So watch out folks, I’m coming for you 😁

6 Tips to building improved relationships

Carol Bruess wrote that most of us are aware that having close, supportive relationships benefits our overall wellbeing and happiness, and human connection affects our mental health but also is key to how long we’ll live and how physically healthy we’ll be. Robert Waldinger, the Director of the Harvard “longest study of happiness”, stated people who were more socially connected to family, friend and community, were happier, healthier and lived longer than those less connected.

They weren’t just talking about extremely close relationships like your spouse/partner, they were talking about professional, social, volunteering and even the person behind you in the queue for the grocery checkout. Bruess came up with six small changes we could make to yield big results in improving relationships:

“1. Change the words we’re thinking about other people – Words matter. Not only the words we use when we speak to others, but the words we say to ourselves about others.

Our internal narrative — especially the story we tell ourselves about other people, their decisions, behaviours, quirks and irritating habits — has a profound effect on how we interact with them. When we tell ourselves “they’re so controlling” or “they never listen to me” or “they’re so self-centred” before or during a conversation with a partner, colleague or sibling sets us up to be more likely to find evidence of their controlling/non-listening/self-centred behaviour because we’ve primed ourselves to spot it.

By creating micro-moments of positivity, we’re starting a wave of good feelings that spreads through our life and through the lives of those we encounter.

There are three simple steps we can take here. The first is to recognize when one of these judgmental thoughts enters our head that reinforces a negative narrative. Next, stop ourselves from telling this story. Finally, replace it with a more positive word or phrase. Pick a word or phrase that reminds us to show some compassion (“They’re trying their best”), acknowledge the journey we’re on (“We’re all works in progress”) or capture what we want to do more of in our relationships (“Listen — really listen”).

Bruess suggested we’d be surprised how quickly changing our words can also change the quality of our relationships

2. Create tiny moments of positivity during your day – Want to experience more connection in our day-to-day life and a healthier and more connected sense of being in the world?

Turns out, we can do this wherever we are and wherever we go. Just take five seconds to learn the name of that nice person in the apron at the coffee shop who helped you decide which one to have. Or, look the pharmacist in the eye and thank them for showing up during this challenging time, or stop by a co-worker’s office and ask how their aging parents are holding up.

Whenever we share a tiny, positive moment with another human — even if it’s just a warm smile or our eyes meeting as we acknowledge each other for existing on this planet — we unleash a cascade of positive reactions in us and them.

3. When you and your partner argue, hold hands with them (really!) – When couples are in conflict, it’s important for them to remember they’re on the same team despite their differences. One of the easiest ways to do so is to agree to hold hands while you argue. This simple gesture helps couples feel more connected and, as a result, they’ve been found to be less destructive as they fight. If this doesn’t work for you, come up with your own way to reinforce your bond.

Maybe you and your partner decide to interrupt each disagreement — at least once — with a 10-second kiss. Or, you could both agree, while fighting, to hold up three fingers at the beginning, middle and end of a tense discussion, a nonverbal symbol that means “I love you.”

4. Ask an open-ended question of someone in your life every day – Actively listening while letting someone else speak is also communication, and it’s one of the most undervalued methods of building relationships with others. This means listening simply to better understand the other person and giving them space to share their story, express their fears, articulate their hopes or just tell us what irritated or delighted them today.

One of the easiest resolutions we can make to improve any of our close relationships is to listen more, speak less and ask open-ended questions. Ask someone near you: “What’s been the best part of your week so far?”; ask a neighbour when out walking: “What’s keeping you going these days?”; or ask someone over dinner: “What are you most afraid of happening in the next year?”

Then, be fully present with them as you listen to them answer, without interrupting them with your own response or turning away. When we do this, we show the people in our lives that we really care about them.

5. Schedule time to spend with your best friends – Strong, quality relationships require maintenance and ongoing investment. Friendships have been shown to be key to our happiness and longevity, especially as we age, but even the best of them will wither if we don’t nurture them.

One easy way to do this is to carve out time in your weekly or monthly schedule to connect with your friends. If you can, meeting them in person is best, but even a regular Zoom or phone call is enough to provide you with benefits. And whenever you’re invited to do something with someone who is not one of your key connections, ask yourself this before you say yes: “Is this best for me and the relationships I value?”

These small, regular investments of attention made regularly in our relationships are essential to growing and sustaining them.

6. Deliver an overdue apology – Many of us — because we’re only human and imperfect — have ended a relationship in a clumsy or careless way. Or, maybe we’ve been on the receiving end. Regardless of which role you played, we walk around with grudges or resentment towards a colleague, boss, cousin, roommate, neighbour, ex-partner, etc.

Why not start the year by picking one of the people in your life with whom you had a falling out and write them a note or send them a voice memo? Keep your apology short and simple, and accept responsibility for what you did or didn’t do well. When we embrace our humility, we’re not only more likely to forgive and be forgiven but we can get a significant boost in our happiness as well.

However, if you choose to do this, don’t expect to get a response. If the other person takes in your words and says they forgive you, that’s great. But keep in mind that forgiveness is partly an internal process when you can lighten your load by letting go of unnecessary emotions weighing you down.”

For me, number one is a biggy. I know that I have certain views of certain people that stick with me in every interaction I have with them. Usually this is born out of an experience I have with that person, and then I hold that opinion of them. I have spent some time this year considering this and how I might change my own mindset toward that person in an attempt to develop a better relationship with them. I have plans on how to go about this and will look for an early opportunity to get started on it in the new year.

I’m ok with positivity generally. I’m fairly neutral about most things, I don’t get overly depressed about much but then I don’t get overly excited about stuff either.

C and I never argue. We have periods of time when we don’t speak to each other, but that’s usually fairly short-lived.

I always try to ask open questions. I remember when R was at school and C used to ask her whether she’d done her homework or not, to which she’s reluctantly say “yes”. I’d follow that up with something more specific about the task she had to do, or how she’d got on with a particular thing. That would eventually elicit whether she’d actually done it or not.

Scheduling time for friends and family is something we have to do anyway. We have so much going on, as do most of the people we meet, so we have to book in in advance for anything like a family visit or lunch with a friend. I do feel that I could do more of this on a slightly more ad-hoc basis, there is room to be made, particularly on my non-working day, and some weekends. Again, plans under development for the new year.

I feel that I have apologised to those that I know I need to apologise to. If others feel I haven’t apologised for something, it’s because I’m not aware I need to, so you’ll have to tell me what it is I’ve done to upset you. I think the one thing I do need to apologise about is the words I use to myself about other people that shapes the way I interact with them.

13 Ways to build strong relationships

I was reading an article by YEC (Young Entrepreneurs Council) about 13 key traits to have strong professional relationships, and as I was reading, thought this wasn’t just about professional relationships, this is about all relationships.

YEC wrote about the need for strong relationships as key to business and career success, but the challenge of building relationships in the social media era means that our digital relationships can be superficial. We should aim to establish and cultivate deep and meaningful relationships with the people in our lives. YEC members came up with the following essential traits for strong and meaningful relationships, and I think we can apply these to all our relationships in all areas of our lives, so replace each mention of clients and business with friends, family and colleagues, you’ll see what I mean:

“1. Empathy – Understanding where the other person in the relationship is coming from and what they’re feeling is important to any strong relationship. You can’t fix everyone’s problems or try to change them, so instead, it’s important to just listen and be there for them.

2. Vulnerability – The most essential trait of a strong and meaningful relationship is vulnerability. Relationships based on vulnerability are positive, judgment-free and improvement-oriented. Trust, communication, love and other important relationship characteristics come from vulnerability.

3. Respect – If you do not respect your friends or your clients, you most likely won’t give those people your “all” when it counts. You only get what you give, and in order to receive respect, you need to demonstrate it to others as well. This is true in establishing a rapport with clients, as much as it is in maintaining an intimate relationship.

4. Real Face Time – Online communication tools like FaceTime and Skype enable us to see and talk to anyone instantly on the other side of the world. However, the relationships that are the strongest are ones where we see each other in person. Because it takes more work to meet in the offline world, it signals to the person that they are important.

5. A Giving-First Mentality – One trait of strong business relationships is providing something of value before asking for something. Far too often these days, folks just want others to give and give without offering anything in return. This will not build a meaningful relationship. Plus, when you’re the first to offer up something of value, you’re much more likely to have your request for help fulfilled.

6. Unique Perspective – The strongest and most meaningful relationships offer a unique perspective. Thanks to our long history together, these individuals provide context for my actions and motivations. They can help us realize how we’ve changed, how we haven’t changed and what’s really important in life.

7. Intent – We’ve all met that person who is eager to misunderstand you no matter how much you explain yourself. And then there’s the other person who will understand you without you having to say a word; this is because they know your intent is good. Strong and meaningful relationships start with good intent.

8. Hard Work – Strong relationships don’t maintain themselves. They require a commitment by both people to make an effort and to set aside time to engage with each other. This is as true of business relationships as it is of personal relationships. Lasting business relationships are built through active engagement and a commitment to going the extra mile.

9. Honesty – Your first instinct or impression is usually right, and the cornerstone to a meaningful relationship is always honesty. Never be afraid to tell your team or co-workers your honest opinion. Too often, businesses slip into a culture of gossip and phony smiles. Clear communication built on a foundation of honesty is essential.

10. Challenge – In business especially, you need to have relationships with people that are challenging—not where they push back on everything you say, but in the way that they challenge you to think differently and try new things. This can inspire healthy competition, and it’ll keep you on your toes and always striving to be better.

11. Value – When developing relationships in business, you must lead with value. “How can I add value to you and your business?” When you ask this question and commit to it before asking for anything for yourself, you are demonstrating, through action, that you are more concerned in building a strong relationship than getting someone out of it for yourself. Leading with this mentality can take you far.

12. Conscientiousness – It’s important to be conscientious and know what page the relationship is on. We tend to have a bank account of credits between each other, and we deposit and withdraw those credits. How present are you with your partner’s feelings? Be aware of tension between you, and have honest and open communications about that.

13. Friendship – All relationships require vulnerability, attention and care, but a genuinely meaningful one is built on a solid foundation of friendship. Beginning your relationship with a client, a peer or even people in your personal life with these building blocks up front will set you up for a trusting and long-term connection.”

See what I mean?

Are you seeking the wrong tribe in the wrong place?

So much focus in life revolves around friendships. I hear of people meeting up with their mates from university now they’re in their 40’s. Of people who have friends dating way back to childhood. Making close friends and keeping them has always been a struggle for me. We want our children to have friends and feel confident and we worry for them if they’re a bit of a loner.

I had a group of friends in high school that stuck together all the time. To be honest I think we were just all the misfits that nobody else wanted in their group. We didn’t stay in touch after school. In fact I bumped into one of them a few years back. We arranged to meet up for coffee. The conversation soon stalled after we’d reminisced and swapped wedding stories. After that we just had nothing in common any more.

I did have a close friend during my early 20’s and into my 30’s. We worked in the same department. We ended up being Godparent to each other’s children. We used to have monthly Girls Night Out (GNO), resulting in food, a lot of drink and maybe a club. I went running to support her when she found out her husband was cheating on her. Arranging GNOs seemed to end up in my lap all the time and when she started a new relationship, he’d be on the phone to her all the time during our night out. We’d barely speak between GNOs and I remember deciding that I deliberately wouldn’t contact her to arrange the next one to see what would happen. Nothing happened. Not if I didn’t make it happen. We drifted apart. Haven’t seen or spoken to her in years now.

So, now I don’t have a best friend. Sometimes that bothers me because there’s no one to share my innermost thoughts with, some things that can’t be shared with your husband. Most of the time, it doesn’t really worry me. But I do miss going out with the girls type evenings where you have a good laugh, put the world to rights and just have a great time.

I have lots of acquaintances through #bellringing but I don’t tend to socialise outside of ringing. Only perhaps one other couple, but that’s as a couple, not me on my own. I have colleagues at work who I can share some things with but again, there are things you can’t always share with them either.

I don’t have that solid group of girl friends to rely on to help me navigate the ups and downs of life.

I find I edit myself when I’m with others to avoid sounding ignorant or uninteresting, or end up just sitting there listening to these larger than life, exuberant, interesting, erudite others with nothing to contribute or not being able to get a word in edgeways even if I did have something to add.

Constant stroking of other people’s egos by liking or commenting well crafted platitudes on their social media is not something I do well. If you get a comment from me, its genuine. I can’t do false praise or flattery.

Therapist Sally Baker, in an article in October’s Psychologies Magazine written by Emma Reed, suggested that rather than spending lots of energy on others we should try tapping into our own intuition to determine what it is we really need from friendships. Do your friends make you feel good about yourself, or judged? Do you need a raucous group night out or a quiet chat over a cup of tea in the garden?

Like all relationships its a two way affair. So many times I have dropped things to run off to support someone in a time of crisis yet I know they, nor anyone else would do it for me. There are those infuriating people who post on social media about being there for you if you need them. I wonder how many would actually drop everything and come running, or how quickly the excuses would start.

I don’t have a posse but I do have a number of people I can talk to in certain situations. I don’t have that one or two who I can tell all my innermost thoughts to. I’m not sure I’d have someone to call if my life went totally up the swanny. But then maybe I don’t need it.

What do you seek from friendship? And do you get it?

Relationships are hard work

I’m sure, like me, you have relationships that leave you feeling drained. The ones you don’t look forward to engaging with whether work, social or family. Relationships is one of the key things that I am trying to work on and improve at, but I know I have a long way to go with them. Some are much more challenging than others.

Karen Gately suggested seven ways that all great relationships have in common and it is worth considering each of these amongst the close relationships we have:

Trust – this takes time to build and is often difficult to regain once lost. Without it though, you will never feel safe, comfortable, open and close. It requires us to be willing to listen to some hard truths and learn from them.
Openness – expressing yourself openly and honestly. Being heard and hearing the other person. Engaging in honest and respectful conversations that allow you to understand one another and build connection. It’s about sharing concerns and problems directly to resolve them.
Respect – No one is perfect. Everyone has a different perspective built on different experiences. Respecting those different values and perspectives will avoid disappointment and frustration.
Teamwork – Everyone needs to do their part. It takes two to Tango. Making decisions together, listening to each other’s concerns and ideas with an open mind with build mutual trust and respect.
Joy – having fun, laughter can help keep healthy relationships energised. We can’t all have a good day every day, but if we are able to help lift each other’s’ spirits it will make people feel loved and accepted.
Kindness – treat each other with care, consideration and compassion. Speak with warmth and consideration, generosity and friendliness.
Forgiveness – holding on to unresolved resentment, disappointment and frustration can erode trust and drain our spirits. You need to be able to express how you feel and then let it go. You need to be able to forgive others’ shortcomings and failings and support one another.

To me it seems that some of these contradict others. If I am being honest and open, I may not always be speaking kindly. I have occasionally been on the receiving end of other people’s tirades both as a manger and in my #bellringing roles, yet I am not allowed to respond the same way. I have to take the higher ground and put up with being spoken to in ways that other people would call me out on if I spoke to them in the same tone. Some of that goes with the territory. Some of it I have to put down to being “the bigger person” but it still hurts, and it’s still frustrating with people operate with double standards.

I do tend to hold on to frustration and resentment, but I am gradually getting better at letting some of that go. Someone once said to me “light the blue touch paper and stand well back”, when I had to share something that I knew others would get up in arms about. This person suggested that basically, say what you have to say then move on, how other people react to it is their business, do not get involved in back and forth chat. As it turned out, a whole bunch of other people pitched in and put the doom-mongers and negative ninnies in their place.

I still have a way to go with some relationships that are a bit broken (as far as I’m concerned anyway, maybe the other person/people don’t feel the same), but I’m choosing one at a time to deal with rather than overwhelm myself with trying to fix everything all at once. Work in progress.

One thing I thought of whilst writing this blog was perhaps a good place to start when trying to rebuild relationships would be to list all the other person’s good qualities and restart the relationship from there, rather than a place of what you might perceive to be their shortcomings.

Today’s Psychology

New Psychologies Magazine out means new 10 question quiz to do for funzies. This month’s topic is all about “What mental shift do you need to thrive?” Through questioning what your core values revolve around, what your default response is when asked how you are, when you feel most contented, what you find hard to make time for, when you feel most like yourself, your go to role within a group, what others think of you, how you react to uncertainty, how you were encouraged as a child and what knocks your self-esteem, the answer to how your mind-set may be holding you back in life is mystically revealed.

For me, the answers were the closest run thing of all the quizzes I’ve done. I had equal numbers of responses to 3 out of the 4 possible groups. I scored the same for self-awareness, self-enquiry and self-acceptance. When I read through the responses, I did identify bits of myself amongst them.

Self-awareness:

When much of the day is made up of tasks to tick off its natural to look at what has been achieved to construct a sense of self. That might be fine for now but problems arise when what fills the day doesn’t align with core values of offer a sense of meaning. Without self-awareness it’s easy for habit to shape experience of the world and affect connection with yourself. Are you doing too much to numb feelings of disquiet about the direction life is going, or about certain relationships? In answer to the question “who are you”? would you struggle to answer if you couldn’t list what you do? If life feels safe and stable, your gut instinct may tell you to avoid inviting disruption and uncertainty but could you allow a some space for daily stillness and curiosity about the weather pattern inside through mindfulness, yoga or a walk in nature? Just make sure it doesn’t also become a task to be ticked off a list. If it does, reduce it to simply pausing in the day and enquiring with curiosity: how am I reacting to this? what are my thoughts and emotions?

I very much focus on a list of things to do each day. If I get at least three quarters of the way through the list then I’m satisfied. It could include mundane daily things like getting out of bed (sometimes that’s difficult) as well as the actual work that needs doing, or things that need doing for #bellringing stuff I’m working on. I have a To Do list next to my laptop at home and almost every day I add something else to it. I have always found it really hard to think about who I am. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt etc, I’m a manager, a PRO to varying degrees of success or failure. But who am I deep down? No idea. I exist. I do stuff.

Self-enquiry:

Those who are more concerned about the needs of others may find their sense of self is tenuous at times. Do you feel put on the spot when conversations turn to what you want? When your value and identity gets too closely bound with making others happy, your development may suffer. It’s OK if you struggle to define who you are, and you may feel different every day but if the thought of exploring yourself creates unease, it may be that you worry that if you take the time to probe your inner landscape, you’ll find a blank space. Humans are ever changing beings that respond to everything around them, including their relationships. The irony is that improving your relationship with yourself is the most effective way to be there for others. It’s OK to look to others to work out who you are, but if the energy of your key relationships is always focused on gaining approval, you may need to consciously make space for self-enquiry. For many, that means therapy and for others it could be more time spent on creative projects that offer self-expression.

Again, I do find it really hard to think about what I want, what are my passions and desires, what do I want to achieve or become. That changes all the time. One day I want to have my own cake business. Another day I want to be a full time PR person. Another day I want to stay where I am and run projects, or be in charge of a department or function. Another day I don’t want to have to go to work anymore and another day I don’t want to be at home all the time. I can never really answer questions like “what do I enjoy doing” or “what do you find fun”. The thought of therapy appals me. Not that I think it has stigma attached to it, I think it can be extremely useful for some people in certain situations. But I remember how horribly uncomfortable I was when I went to antenatal classes and they tried to the relaxation techniques. If anything, it wound me up more. I was better off left alone. The coaching sessions I’ve had that have asked what I want to achieve I’ve struggled to find an answer to. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I enjoy, I don’t know what I find fun.

Self-acceptance

When you see yourself as a work in progress, accepting yourself, flaws and all, can feel risky, as if you’ll never reach your potential. But if your self-image is based on not being enough, and your inner narrative hones in on what you see as your faults, you might feel you’ll never flourish. It’s true that the self is dynamic and we all change in response to our environment and the people we interact with, but a sense of self can provide a firm foundation for growth and make us more resilient. The key to allowing yourself to flourish lies in your relationship with yourself. Do you treat yourself in a way that you would never treat anyone else? Sometimes, self-criticism isn’t overt and lurks in seemingly harmless habits such as comparing your life to others on social media. There is nothing wrong with wanting to grow, learn and be your best self, but true personal development starts with self-acceptance. When you start where you are, you face the world without pretence, and show up just as you are. A journey of self-acceptance may take time, but its transformative effects can be life-changing.

I do see myself as a work in progress, and through what I’m beginning to read around and start to experiment with e.g. meditations etc, I am trying to find some inner acceptance of who I am. I know that I’m far from perfect. I do have a sense that I’m never quite good enough. But for who? Sometimes, I just not quite good enough as a wife, or mother, or sister, or daughter or boss, or friend, or leader. I don’t really compare my life to others on social media, I’m quite good at separating someone else’s life from mine. We have different experiences, different situations, different finances and different attitudes to what’s important. I’m not bothered about keeping up with the Jones’.

I guess I still have a lot of questions to ask myself, and need to give myself the freedom to really think about them, not just the superficial stuff on the surface.

50 Ways to Enjoy Turning Fifty

My sister bought me this book for my birthday last week. I thought I’d better take more than a cursory look at it. It claims to have 50 ways to make this the best year EVER. The book is set out in chapters based on making the most of turning 50, planning the best year EVER, implementing the plan, treating yourself well, having fun, looking back, looking within, expressing gratitude, putting things in order, eliminating what you don’t need, giving and looking forward.

Each chapter has key questions to help you analyse yourself and figure how to make the most of turning 50, thought experiences to delve a little deeper and activities to do. It does say that you can dip in and out of the book, fast forward to the bits that most interest you and so on but being a pedant, I started at the beginning.

Way #1 Accept your age.

Thought experiment 1 asks you to make a list of people you admire who are over fifty and who are living terrific lives and make a note of what you admire about how this person is living their life. OK, so first thing is to think of people over 50 who I admire.

I’m not going to list them all here because some of them might read this and either be embarrassed or disagree. I’ve written each of them in the book. Suffice to say that it includes C, my parents and siblings, a few former work colleagues, and some ringers I know. In some cases, I admire what they have achieved over adversity. In others I admire what they’re currently doing with their lives, and if I’m honest, I’m probably a bit jealous of. Some I admire because I wish I were more like them.

The key questions were what are some benefits of turning 50? and What are you looking forward to this year?

I guess benefits might include being that little bit wiser sometimes. Having more opportunities to reflect on what I want out of life and trying to achieve a better work/life balance. Nearer to retirement age (although still some considerable way to go). Looking forward to getting to see R again. This year has been an exception and we haven’t been able to spend time together, so as soon as we can we’ll do that. Can plan for the trip that we should have had for my 50^th birthday.

Thought experiment 2: what concerns do you have about turning fifty? What challenges are you experiencing or expecting? Which of those can’t you change? What constructive actions can you take regarding that item?

I’m not really bothered about turning 50. It’s just a number. I guess ill health, or my level of unfitness is probably going to be an issue at some point. I’m feeling less tolerant of other people, which I need to reign in a bit sometimes and there are other things that I’d rather be doing with my time but have to work instead. I can’t change that for a few more years yet unless something amazing comes up, like winning the lottery.

How adventurous are you?

I do not think I’m the adventurous type at all. I like home comforts. I like routine. I like to know what I’m doing and when so that I can plan around it. I’m not particularly great at trying new experiences. Although I did do an abseil once. I did go skiing when I was at school. I do like to travel and see different places. And I did make my husband do husky sledging a few years back. But I’m not spontaneous, or good at thinking of what others might see as exciting things to do.

So, I thought I’d try and find out what the experts say about whether I’m an adventurous sort or not and turned to one of those on line quizzes that thinks its gets to know all about you and your preferences by asking you a mere 10 multiple choice questions. According to the results:

You are excited by new experiences

Cosmopolitan, smart and savvy, above all, you get your kicks from interesting experiences. You flourish when your mind and senses are nourished and flounder in a cultural vacuum. The buzz of a new exhibit, the hush as the theatre curtain parts, or the flavours of a new cuisine all excite your palate and thrill your thoughts. For you, the conventional is dreary. Because you open yourself up to a wide array of artistic and intellectual interests, your world is ever expanding.

Well, as it happens, yes I do like the theatre. We do try to at least make an annual trip to see a West End show each Christmas time (2020 being the exception) and if anything else takes our fancy in the mean time we’d go along. I do like to learn new things and educate myself. I enjoy certain types of museums and exhibits and enjoy a good National Trust property or English Heritage site. I do like eating, so trying new things from time to time is good, and when we are on holiday abroad I do like to try something that might be considered local cuisine (so long as its not fish!).

So I might not be adventurous in the sense that I like to do extreme things like water sports (I have a phobia of water so that’s not going to work), or bungee jumping, or fast paced stuff, I’m more of a slow, steady adventurer. I’m less keen on the “let’s do something crazy” and go for more of the “let’s plan a nice trip out”.

A while back I did do a year (and am probably still doing it) of saying “yes” to everything that came my way. This was both exciting to take on new challenges but worrying as some of the things I was asked to do put me in the spotlight, somewhere I’m not comfortable with. However, it did give me a chance to connect with new people, and has stretched my own learning and capacity. The downside is that I now get involved in lots of things that I can’t always give sufficient time to. So there’s a fine balance needed.

So, maybe I am unconventionally adventurous and my world is ever expanding, just slowly.