Finding a kindred spirit

I was reading an article about Saira Khan, star of the 2005 series of The Apprentice and later Loose Women presenter, wellness fanatic and entrepreneur about how she felt that life was started at 50, breaking barriers and being her authentic self. Whilst there are obvious differences, like the fact she has a £2.3m house in Oxfordshire, she looks amazing and has an evolving business, the difference seems she seems content not to have to prove herself anymore.

We do both seem to have taken the opportunity of turning 50 to have a time of reflection and taking stock of where we are in life and what we want for ourselves, rather than for others. In her words “I can’t please everybody and I don’t want to please everybody”. She clearly has an advantage over me in that she can afford to do what she wants, work how and when she wants and can afford all the niceties money can buy. However its not money, prestige or fame she’s interested in, rather not doing things she’s no longer happy doing, and looking after herself mentally and physically.

It seems that she had to work hard to get it and due to her upbringing created a persona of being loud, opinionated and assertive. She felt that she had to be that way in order to break down religious, familial and workplace barriers. She is clearly a confident person and doesn’t suffer fools gladly. I can identify with some of the issues she faced and some of the ways she has responded and how others perceived her.

Obviously she was taking part in a photo shoot and interview so of course she was made to look glamorous, but it was her words that resonated most with me in expressing herself and what she wants personally. Like me, she wants others to see that there is another side to her. She’s not opinionated all the time. She’s not shouty all the time. She’s not assertive all the time.

Whilst I am fundamentally an introvert, there are groups of people who don’t see me that way. They see me as assertive, firm, judgemental and not afraid to say what I think. Mostly, that’s so far from reality. I don’t say half the things I think, or feel and sometimes that’s the right thing, but then I don’t say half the things I probably need to to the people who need to hear them. I struggle with decisions in certain circumstances. I need a level of validation and confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. I try to do what’s right for everyone else sometimes to the detriment of what’s right for me.

Turning 50 has given me that opportunity to re-evaluate what I want for me, where I want to be in the next 5-10 years’ time, how I want to be comfortable in my own skin. As I said before, I have considered things that I did in my younger days and let go for one reason or another, and reawakened what I had then that I want to return to now. It’s been quite liberating reinventing myself, although not everything I did 30 years ago I could get away with now.

Don’t get stuck in a rut

Predictability is all well and good, and there’s certainly a place for having a routine that helps you navigate the day, especially when you have lots going on. But it can feel like being stuck in a rut or on a merry-go-round at times, when things happen and there’s no energy or enthusiasm in it.

Every now and then its good to mix things up a bit. Now, I’m certainly someone that likes a bit of regimented routine, I like to plan things well in advance, and I am conscious that there’s a lot in the diary to keep me occupied. Having a lot in the diary isn’t the same though. A lot of those things are the same only slightly different. There are #bellringing meetings. They could be with different groups of people about slightly different topics, but essentially they are meetings about #bellringing. Then there’s actually ringing, currently the online version, however C and I have been continuing to ring two bells at the Cathedral on a Sunday morning to keep things ticking over. Again, that’s all a bit predictable and “safe”.

Even doing small things differently can help us keep that enthusiasm going. Something as simple as trying a different menu option on the takeaway menu can add a bit of intrigue.

Every now and then something larger scale needs to happen to really shake things up a bit. Maybe rearrange the furniture in the lounge. Redecorate. Take cooking lessons. Learn a new skill.

https://www.under30ceo.com/25-ways-to-live-differently/ offers some ideas on how to make small changes that may have a big impact on living differently:

Think Big – don’t let self-imposed limits hold you back.
Work hard for yourself, no one else.
Be inspired. Find out what makes you tick and do more of that.
Do something regularly that scares you. Maybe send that report you’re worried out what reception it will receive. Put yourself out there. Do that talk. Challenge your fears.
Travel. Locally, nationally, internationally. Investigate other people and places.
Find ways to be more productive. Working from home can free up commute time that you could do something else in.
Find out when you’re most productive. If you’re more switched on first thing in the morning, or last thing at night, do your best work then.
Be responsible for your own life. Your health, wealth, your environment and well-being.
Live your dream, not someone else’s.
Unlearn things. Having more or bigger stuff doesn’t mean its better.
Spend within your limits. If the cash isn’t in your account, you shouldn’t get it. You’ll end up paying twice as much in the long run.
Be outdoors as much as you can, taking in the natural world. If you can take your laptop or phone outside for meetings then do that.
Don’t sit around all day. Move. Your body will thank you.
Declutter. Do you need all that stuff? What purpose does it serve? Would someone else benefit from it?
Don’t waste precious natural resources. Recycle, reduce energy, reuse.
Turn off notifications. Stop letting social media dictate when you should access it.
Turn the TV off and read a book instead. You’re more likely to learn something.

We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and trying to keep up with the Jones’s. They’re not living our life and we need to live our dreams.

Succumbing to the inevitable

C used to ring handbells fairly regularly and notched up several quarter peals in years gone by. When his mum died he spent some of the inheritance on a set of 12 handbells. Sadly, those handbells haven’t seen much light. We did have a couple of goes once but I was totally rubbish and couldn’t get my head around it.

I always admire the fact that he could pick up pair of handbells and without too much trouble join in something.

A couple of years ago I was a student on a handbell training course and with proper instruction, helpful advice and lots of patience I did manage to get through Plain Bob Minor on all pairs. It completely did my brain in but I was pleased to have done it. It always seemed like one of those things I should have a proper go at. I’ve not rung handbells since then.

Since lockdown handbell ringing has really enjoyed a resurgence. Its the one thing that people could meet in small groups outside, when that was allowed. Then came along the creation of Handbell Stadium the virtual version of handbell ringing with Men in Black avatars. The next upgrade came with the creation of e-bells. Realistic looking, feeling and weighted handbells that plug into your computer that you synchronise with Handbell Stadium for a more realistic experience, rather than pushing keys.

So, eventually C decided that he’d like a pair of e-bells for his birthday. I ordered two sets and the companion book Change Ringing on Handbells by Tina Stoeklin and Phil Gay. They arrived today, excellent service given he left it late to tell me that’s what he wanted. I’ll leave him to do the technical set up and I’ll have a few goes on my own with my two new avatar friends before I join in with anyone else.

Don’t think you’ll be seeing me featured on Bellboard any time soon though.

50 Ways to Enjoy Turning Fifty

My sister bought me this book for my birthday last week. I thought I’d better take more than a cursory look at it. It claims to have 50 ways to make this the best year EVER. The book is set out in chapters based on making the most of turning 50, planning the best year EVER, implementing the plan, treating yourself well, having fun, looking back, looking within, expressing gratitude, putting things in order, eliminating what you don’t need, giving and looking forward.

Each chapter has key questions to help you analyse yourself and figure how to make the most of turning 50, thought experiences to delve a little deeper and activities to do. It does say that you can dip in and out of the book, fast forward to the bits that most interest you and so on but being a pedant, I started at the beginning.

Way #1 Accept your age.

Thought experiment 1 asks you to make a list of people you admire who are over fifty and who are living terrific lives and make a note of what you admire about how this person is living their life. OK, so first thing is to think of people over 50 who I admire.

I’m not going to list them all here because some of them might read this and either be embarrassed or disagree. I’ve written each of them in the book. Suffice to say that it includes C, my parents and siblings, a few former work colleagues, and some ringers I know. In some cases, I admire what they have achieved over adversity. In others I admire what they’re currently doing with their lives, and if I’m honest, I’m probably a bit jealous of. Some I admire because I wish I were more like them.

The key questions were what are some benefits of turning 50? and What are you looking forward to this year?

I guess benefits might include being that little bit wiser sometimes. Having more opportunities to reflect on what I want out of life and trying to achieve a better work/life balance. Nearer to retirement age (although still some considerable way to go). Looking forward to getting to see R again. This year has been an exception and we haven’t been able to spend time together, so as soon as we can we’ll do that. Can plan for the trip that we should have had for my 50^th birthday.

Thought experiment 2: what concerns do you have about turning fifty? What challenges are you experiencing or expecting? Which of those can’t you change? What constructive actions can you take regarding that item?

I’m not really bothered about turning 50. It’s just a number. I guess ill health, or my level of unfitness is probably going to be an issue at some point. I’m feeling less tolerant of other people, which I need to reign in a bit sometimes and there are other things that I’d rather be doing with my time but have to work instead. I can’t change that for a few more years yet unless something amazing comes up, like winning the lottery.

A million thank yous

So I’m now 50. The Big five oh. So far so good.

Our original thoughts were to have been having a nice holiday, Italy, Venice were mentioned but of course we couldn’t do that. However my epically wonderful hublet and most favouritest other person daughter R made it really special, as did everyone else who contributed cards, messages and gifts.

I have enough flowers to open my own floristry shop. Fortunately the last lot to be delivered came in their own vase, we’d run out by then.

Then there were chocolates, wine, prosecco,. Even biscuits from my favourite little mate who calls me “biscuit”. Book tokens, West End theatre evoucher, chocolate tasting experience, gift voucher for a cake class with my favourite cake teacher.

Beautiful earrings, necklaces, candles, books on things to do now I’m 50, and a mahoosive lunch/ afternoon tea that was too much food for one sitting. One necklace rom R was of all our birthstones, aquamarine (February), amethyst (March) and Ruby (July).

Balloons that were sneakily made up in the garage, and a chocolate cake to die for delivered having been approved of by R.

Lots of messages, lots of cards and a video chat with my big bruv in the morning and a lovely video chat with R later on in the day.

I feel thoroughly spoilt and am extremely grateful for everyone’s participation.

We’ll go travelling next year when there’s even more to celebrate, our 25th wedding anniversary and R’s 25th birthday.

Might need to take about 3 months off work for that. 😄

Let me eat cake

I follow multiple cake bakers social media in an attempt to get ideas on future cake designs and to see what the latest trend is.

Trouble is, there are so many beautiful designs and styles that every time I see a photo I think “oh that’s nice” then 2 seconds later see another one and “oh thats nice too”. To the point where its actually quite confusing now.

Apart from the fact that no one is needing cake made right now, I might not be able to get supplies in and I’ll have to make do with what I’ve got. I suppose I could order stuff in but as I can’t decide what to do, I don’t know what to order.

If I made a cake just for my own pleasure, I have my favourite colour scheme and think I would probably make something with some classic flowers on. I have some annual leave so will have the time to make them. I’m thinking a large peony and some roses and fillers. I have a tonne of new sprinkles to try out too so it would be good to incorporate them as well.

There’s Valentines Day, mine and C’s birthdays and our wedding anniversary coming up so maybe time to have a play.

I do find cake decorating quite therapeutic as you have to concentrate on what you’re doing. Its all absorbing. And of course there’s a reward at the end of it. I just have to make the time.

Is it too pretentious to make myself a cake?

Getting back to it

We have almost got to the end of all the Christmas food and hampers that we were sent. Friday is weigh in day for me so when I got on the scales for the first time of 2021 I knew that I wasn’t going to like what they told me.

My problem is that I don’t like fruit, of any kind, and I’m not a massive fan of very many types of veg or salad. And who wants salad in winter anyway, right? And I have a sweet tooth. So how on earth am I going to diet? Oh, and I have a desk job and am fundamentally lazy so any kind of exertion is unlikely.

We do kind of follow Slimming World as far as evening meals go, and I do try with breakfasts and lunches too but I’m not very good at counting syns and limiting treats. Quite frankly life, particularly at the moment, is too short.

I’m sure I’ve said it before about understanding the benefits of a healthier lifestyle but why is it easier to get into a habit of bacon rolls for breakfast on a Saturday than it is to eat salad and exercise?

One good reason for not exercising is that I just don’t enjoy it. I certainly don’t like the prospect of group exercise or jumpy about videos. I’ve tried do it yourself yoga and home workouts but they just don’t make me feel any better.

When I was in my early 20s I had a Jane Fonda workout video that I used to do at about 5am before getting on a train to work. I did actually enjoy that and felt energised (ok, I was 30 years younger and 5 stone lighter then which probably helped). Sadly I lent that video to someone and never got it back. I’ve tried looking online to see if it could be reproduced but couldn’t find the right one.

I do try to get out for a walk every day, but now I’m only clocking up an average of 5,000 steps per day. I don’t have to walk to the car anymore or around the site, which all helped clock up some mileage, but my commute only goes from the lounge to the study.

I did start hula hooping during the summer which was fine when I could do it outside but when the weather turned and it started getting darker, it was less tempting and we don’t really have enough space indoors.

I guess like a lot of things its all about determination. If I’m going to do something about my weight and health I really must make more time and effort.

Favourite corner #2

This is my next favourite corner of the house. Its in the new office space set up in the study where I can work from home.

Its not my favourite corner because it means I can work from home, but because the photos that were put on to canvas were taken by daughter before she really knew what she was doing with a camera. She went on to study photography at university.

I used to have these on the wall in my office at work but since I don’t currently have an office to myself, and I’m not always there, I didn’t want them getting lost or taken by someone else. I thought they would make something lovely to look at whilst I am working from home and after some inspiration. They also remind me of my favourite person.

If you Google “good things about corners,” you get a plethora of ideas about how to decorate awkward or empty corners, or design ideas for corner shelves. You also get quotes about turning a corner and such like.

I’m not sure that I’ll manage 10 interesting corners in my house as most of them are full of stuff and either untidy or uninteresting. I might have one more before I might have to move on to the next 50 by 50 thing.

Life expectancy

Out of the list of suggestions that were offered when I asked for ideas about things to do before I hit 50, one of them was to do a life expectancy test, then see how many years have you got left and write down five things you’d really like to do in that time. This isn’t something to be morbid about, rather that it should inspire you to do other things.

Obviously there’s no real science behind something that only asks about 10 questions about your age, gender, health and status. According to my age, height, weight, marital status, income and ethnicity on the particular online test I found, I should be expected to have an estimated life expectancy of 87 years, with a 75% chance that I’ll live until I’m 79. The site then gives suggestions on how to increase life expectancy with more exercise, less drinking, and how to put financial matters in order to fund retirement.

So part 2 pf the suggestion then was to come up with 5 things to do in that time. Some of the other suggestions I received could come in handy here.

Pay anonymously for a strangers coffee. Capture a moment every day in a photo or painting. Take photos of strangers and find out their story. Send a message in a bottle. Put £5 in a place for someone random to find. Write and post a handwritten letter to yor child. Take photos of 10 favourite corners of the house. Pick a random novel, read the first paragraph then do something triggered by those words. Try an alternative therapy like rieki or reflexology. Amongst others.

These all seem eminently doable so I shall tick some of the off. For starters, here’s a photo of one of my 10 favourite corners in my house.