The power of love

Love is a choice that we get to create. Love has the power to heal, to bring more connection, bring people together where ideas can emerge, to make us healthier, happier and richer (in the wider sense). Sometimes it can be hard, other times it can be really easy.

Podcast fave Tonya Leigh described love as the most amazing emotion but we can withhold love from ourselves and other people. Love is always something we create from within, so why do we separate ourselves from this emotion?

If we feel that love isn’t being given, we can create stories that lead to resentment and anger, and end up pushing the other person further away. Because of the way our minds are wired we can think that love is something that we have to chase, wanting the world to change in order for us to feel more love. But when we acknowledge we are the common denominator, it is down to us to stop blaming others for how we feel.

We love our children no matter what, but someone else could do something not nearly as bad as what our child does but we then withhold love from them. The only person that hurts is us. When we’re in a state of love we are happier, more creative, exciting and more loving, and as a result we attract more love in our life.

We can feel that we want our partner to do something different, say or do certain things, in order for us to feel loved. We get to do that for ourselves, we can buy the things we want, we can be who we want to be, and we should practice letting our partners be who they are.

If we have someone in our life who is difficult to love (doesn’t have to be a partner), they can be our greatest teachers. This doesn’t mean we should let people walk all over us, there’s room for tough love too. Boundaries are important for us and the other person and we may have to love them from afar. But don’t use that as an excuse not to feel love for that person. We shouldn’t let ourselves think thoughts that hurt ourselves about that person.

Withholding or feeling love is a choice we get to make, and depending on what’s happening on our life, we can be better at it than at other times. Choosing love feels good when we don’t use outside circumstances to shut us away from love.

If we don’t have love for ourselves and others we don’t have a love for life and we end up trying to manipulate the world and other people to make our outside world feel different in order for us to feel love.

Every day we should look for opportunities to love. Ask ourselves in difficult situations, “what would love do”? If we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love anyone else or our life. Think about where we are withholding love in our life and ask how does it serve you? We might try to convince ourselves that its protecting us and no one can hurt us, but its only hurting us when we withhold love. How does our future-self feel love when we’ve created the things we want in our lives? It’ll be challenging as we are more familiar with resentment, anger and fear, but love can become our familiar emotion if we choose to practice it.

The right place to look for love is within ourselves, love is created by the thoughts in our head. Notice what thoughts separate us from love and begin to reach for more love. The more we practice, the more we realise that withholding it from ourselves only ever hurt us. Giving love to ourselves helps us show up differently. We start to attract different relationships, the people around us start to change as we’re no longer resisting them.

If there’s someone we feel there’s no way we could love them, TL suggested loving ourselves first, be kind and gracious to ourselves, and over time they may be easier to love.

Love is a choice we get to make for ourselves, and is created by the thoughts in our head. It’s always available, it has no limits. Stop chasing love and be love.

Things that are just not worth your time

We waste so much time on things that don’t bring joy and value to our lives. That don’t align with who we want to be and what we want to create. Have you ever conducted a time inventory and really analysed how you spend your time? How we spend our time is a reflection on the quality of our life.

Using time wisely is one of the best acts of self-love we can give ourselves. Having strict rules around where and when and on what we spend our time can give us the space to create our lives. Looking at the discrepancies between the reality and the desire of our lives side by side can be enlightening. The key is to choose how we use the hours we have by avoiding things that waste our time we regain more time to create, love, enjoy and live.

My mate Tonya Leigh suggested we should list the things we should stop doing that are wasting our time, here are some of hers, and mine suggestions:

Using our best persuasion tactics in an attempt to change our mind or talk ourselves out of, or in to something;
Explaining to others the details of why. We shouldn’t need to explain why we don’t want to do something or need to change or cancel plans. We don’t need to explain our lives away.
Obsessing with perfectionism. Done is better than perfect. Do your best then move on.
Questioning our own ability to do, say or be something. Acknowledge our inner critic, but don’t indulge it.
Waiting in long queues to buy the latest thing, or tickets for an event or be the first to have something. So what if you’re not the first to have it? It’ll nearly always still be there once the queue has died down.
Spending hours and hours on social media so that we don’t miss out on anything. Dip in and out and use the rest of the time to do something of value. If it’s important we know something, someone will tell us.
Following through on the obligatory “yes, let’s get together”, when you can’t fit it in or simply don’t want to.
Keeping up with the latest trend, beauty, fashion, gadget etc. Do you, not everyone else.
Fuelling committing to the impossible job of making sure others like us. It’s our job to like ourselves and accept others either like us or they don’t. What others think of us is none of our business. What we think of ourselves is most definitely our business. Personally, I’d rather spend time with people I don’t need to try to convince.
Fanning, caressing and swaddling our stories from the past. Let it go, it’s done. Enjoy today and look to a bright future.
Making lists of all the things we don’t have. Wake up to all the things we do have and appreciate them.
Poking our noses into other people’s drama, even when we’re trying to be helpful. I personally don’t have time for other people’s crazy.
Spending hours in the gym. We shouldn’t waste time obsessing over the perfect body, but love the one we have. Going for a walk or doing anything that moves our bodies is good enough.
Insisting on cleaning before getting on with what we should be doing. I have no interest in being a cleaner and we have too much stuff in our house to bother too much about it. Cleaning before getting on with things is just a distraction task and often not really productive.
Committing to get better at things we should and could be better at but don’t really want to. We don’t need to be the best at everything and I would personally rather spend the time doing things that I’m naturally good at (if only I knew what that was). Accept our own strengths then use other people’s strengths to fill in the gaps.
Preparing gourmet dinners that should be on the front of Good Food magazine. Don’t make it complicated. Eat well and simply.
Placating the negative nay-sayers. If they cannot believe and support our personal dreams, they don’t deserve to be around us when those dreams come true. This doesn’t include those who hold a different opinion as discussion and challenge are always beneficial. Just those who tell us it’s not possible, or it’ll never work.
Holding pity parties for one with a dose of self-loathing. Nothing good comes from hating ourselves. We have the choice whether to hate or love ourselves.
Refreshing the email inbox again, and again, and again. Checking emails hundreds of times a day is not productive; it’s a distraction from focussing on what’s truly important.
Indulging in trash. Whether its trashy tv or social media, we know what’s trash by the way it makes us feel.
Beating ourselves up over wasting time. Sometimes it’s inevitable. How we chose to spend our time is such an individual thing. We should make a commitment not to waste time but not beat ourselves up when it does happen. We can’t be perfect all the time, remember?

The idea is to master the art of how we spend our time and energy, to tweak it to align with our desires.

What would be on your list of things to stop wasting time doing?

When did you last tend to the details?

Ernest Hemmingway said something along the lines of “everyone’s life ends the same way, it’s the detail of how they lived and died that distinguishes one person from another”. We can be so busy with life, work, college, business, going to the gym, hobbies, trying to change ourselves and the world around us that we can forget what we truly crave, the beauty of what is found in the detail of life.

You guessed it, I’ve been listening to Tonya Leigh (I swear that I’ll change channels soon) again, who suggested that the details can be small, simple things like putting on some lippy, enjoying a good book, or cup of tea, the beauty of fresh flowers, coffee and cake with friends, art, a glass of good wine, enthusiastic conversation about something you’re passionate about, or even quiet time alone. Beauty is found in the details of how you live, making time for those special moments.

TL offered that whilst its fine to have an eye on the bigger picture, driving ambition and success over time and quality can make us almost afraid to stop and appreciate the simpler things in life, like a beautiful sunset. We’re often racing around to get the next thing done instead of taking notice of what’s right in front of our eyes.

When we decide to tend to the details of everyday it requires discipline, but can lead to a beautiful life. We need to break the habit of saying we’ll get round to it one day, or we’re too busy, or it doesn’t really matter. This is something I’m guilty of. The “I’ll get round to it eventually” and thinking that there’s so much to do and get done that I’m too busy to take time to achieve any of it. I need to tackle one small detail at a time and before you know it, the rest will follow. Prime example is that I decided to make my side of the bedroom less industrial. My bedside table is full of jewellery boxes, glasses cases, old watches I no longer wear and a jumble of stuff. I got as far as buying myself a statuette (fake bronze but never mind) with the idea of clearing the table of all that stuff and just having a beautiful statuette there, elegant and romantic.

So far, the statuette has arrived and is still in its box. I could have made a start on clearing space last weekend but didn’t get round to it, instead I sat reading, or catching up on things having just returned from holiday. You could argue that sitting reading and catching up on things was tending to some details but it didn’t feel like I’d achieved anything towards my goal. I need to break that habit of “I’ll get round to it one day” and just do it.

Taking attention to the details, slowing down and appreciating things, can inspire us and those around us. People will appreciate the time you offer to truly be with them.

What is the one small detail you’ll tend to this week?

Why self love matters

My next foray in to the School of Self Image with Tonya Leigh looks at why self love matters. Have you missed her guidance over the last few days?

TL noted that if you’ve ever been in love with someone the first few months are full of passion, romance, attentiveness, excitement and desire. The world suddenly feels warm and light instead of dull and gloomy. When you are in love chemicals in your brain create a sense of euphoria and pleasure. It has you doing those silly, giddy things like waking up early, dancing around to music, taking time getting ready. Resentment, doom and gloom and judgement melt away.

In the early stages of a new relationship you treat it with care, attentively. You are present and discovering more about the other person. You keep your promises. You don’t see the flaws in the other person. You give the relationship your full attention.

Do you treat yourself in the same way?

TL suggested that we tend to criticise ourselves, beat ourselves up over our mistakes, and then beat ourselves up over beating ourselves up. We resent the past and dread the future. We mistreat our bodies and retreat to avoid feelings. We end up finding distractions to avoid being with ourselves.

She proffers that if you want to attract love into your life, want to be happy and healthy, want to have a fulfilling career, wake up with a passion for life and exude confidence by treating yourself as you would treat a new lover. Treat yourself with compassion. Forgive yourself. Commit to becoming your own lover. Lovers rarely criticise, make nasty judgements or crude comments about each other. They respect, love and connect to each other.

Nothing you desire for yourself comes from self-hatred. Once you deeply love yourself you can no longer abandon yourself by self-destruction. You no longer treat yourself as worthless, or have to prove that you are deserving. You no longer let yourself down by not showing up for yourself, nor allow others to trample all over you. Instead you are connected to your body, needs and life. You respect your body as it is. You take control of your own time. You show up for what you decide is important. You love deeply and have fierce boundaries.

The only person who can change it is you. Starting with a fierce commitment to loving yourself. Its not easy. It begins with a decision, followed by constant awareness and courage.

TL suggested looking for something to love every day. It could be the sunset, music, your coffee. Show yourself some love by buying yourself some flowers, pay attention to your feelings and say no without explanation.

When you deeply love yourself there is nothing you cannot do, overcome or create. You’ll never feel alone or bored, or abandoned. You’ll be glowing like a person in love.

I may regret asking this but how do you plan to be your own lover this week?

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Oscar Wilde