How I used something destructive to find something good

I was reading an article on a LinkedIn site I follow which had quotes from successful business people about the best advice they’d ever received. One quote from Allison Dunn, president and CEO of Deliberate Directions stated a mentor once told her “The only person in your whole life you get to choose is your spouse—everyone else is given to us: parents, siblings, schoolmates, co-workers, neighbours, even your children—so choose wisely”.

In my early twenties I was in a long term relationship and lived with a guy who was earning roughly twice as much as me, he’d done his three year stint in the army and was pursuing a career in accountancy. We’d hooked up at my 18^th birthday party where he was the barman at the venue the party was held at. We moved in together in to a tiny one room bedsit with a shared bathroom and kitchen. From there we moved to a flat of our own and we got engaged and had even booked the church for our wedding.

Then he suddenly decided to move to another county. One where he had lived before and had always wanted to go back to. We hadn’t discussed it at all. He just announced it. I asked what I was supposed to do and he replied I could come too if I wanted to. I was young and naïve so duly followed, now requiring an hour long commute at either end of the working day.

I spend two years trudging back and forth and during that time we bumped into his ex-girlfriends in pubs and he banged on and on about “when I was in the army…” He told me I didn’t know anything about anything and would never amount to much and if I went out with my own friends of an evening, clearly I was on the pull.

Eventually, I woke up and decided that I’d had enough. I got up really early one Saturday morning and decided to move back to my parents. I packed up my stuff in silence. He didn’t even question what I was doing. When I came to leave he told me that I didn’t have to but when I asked if there was any point in me staying he said probably not.

Despite that failed relationship I learned a lot about how I would be in any future relationship. I would have my own ground rules about what I would do, when and with whom. Any other partner would have to meet me on equal footing. I was never going to be disrespected again.

Fast forward and I got together with C. The first thing I did was to set out my ground rules and tell him that I would never ask his permission to do anything. I might ask his advice and I might consult with him but if I wanted, or didn’t want to, do anything I didn’t need his permission.

C and I are very similar in that we don’t really do conflict. We bumble along quite merrily. We are comfortable in our independence but also as a couple. We have things that we can do together and things we do separately. We generally make decisions together and are totally united with the way we brought up R, and how we support her now. I have become the wicked step-mother to his other children which has had some interesting challenges, particularly when they were younger. I think we have a good relationship.

C makes me feel safe, valued and respected. He totally blew me away by his response to something last year that I really didn’t expect he would go to that extreme for me. He might not like some of the things I say and do but never chastises me about it. But then I don’t always like somethings he does or says. We have similar outlooks on life and neither of us can be bothered to argue. I can honestly say that we have never had a fight or serious argument. It takes too much energy.

He supports me in all my endeavours. After he retired early a couple of years ago, he has taken on the role of domestic goddess. Dinner is ready when I get home from work, and he’s a damn good cook. The washing is done (ok, I still do the ironing), the cleaning is done. The food shopping is done. He doesn’t get frustrated with all the meetings I’m at in the evenings, or at least never says anything. He doesn’t complain when I’ve bought more clothes than I need (with my own money). He supports my family shenanigans. I am sure there are things about me that frustrate him but he never mentions them.

We have been married for over 24 years now and together 28. I think we’ve got the measure of each other and as we transition into our dotage, I’m sure there will be new challenges ahead. However, I am confident that we can continue to face them together.

I chose wisely.

“It’s not failure if you enjoy the process”

This quote from Oprah Winfey popped into my timeline the afternoon in which a group of us had failed to score a quarter peal in the morning. We had met with the intention of going for a quarter peal of Yorkshire Surprise Major on the understanding that as it was one person’s first attempt at a quarter of a Surprise Major method, if it came a cropper, it would be no big deal. It also happened to be the conductor’s birthday so it would have been a nice thing to attempt as a compliment.

We had been virtually #bellringing for nearly 45 minutes and we were only two leads away from the end when the conductor’s technology failed, therefore bringing our attempt round to a premature end. Whenever I ring in a quarter peal, as I’m sure most people do, I ring with the absolute intent of scoring it, and although the one ringer was less experienced at ringing Surprise Major methods, they had been given advice on which bell to ring and what would happen and equipped themselves very well. We were all of the mind that we would go for it and see how far we got.

It does seem sometimes happen that if quarters or peals are lost there needs to be a post-mortem and an attempt at determining what or who was at fault. Most people feel quite down if they don’t score it, and if you were the person who went wrong and caused the pile up, you’d probably feel really bad for the rest of the band. It tends to be more irksome if ringing in a real tower and people had to travel a distance to ring with, what some might consider, nothing to show for it.

Disappointing though it was not to have scored the quarter to mark the conductor’s birthday, there was no bad feeling afterwards at all. Everyone was congratulated for getting that far, especially the person with less experience. There was a feeling of “well that was jolly good practice” and “it proved you can do it”. There were also calls for rearranging it soon so that we could score it and get that first quarter of Surprise Major in the bag.

It makes a real difference when you ring with people who are non-judgemental and who appreciate just ringing together for the pleasure of ringing and helping someone less experienced along the way. We decided not to resume ringing for the rest of the duration of the practice time but had a good chat about everything else instead. It was a pleasure just to have everyone’s company.

We may have failed to score the quarter but we enjoyed the attempt and the process of how we got to even attempt it.

6 people in your corner OR 5 mentors you need?

Several years back one thing I picked up, presumably from some talk or online article was the notion of having 6 people in your corner. Basically, these represented 6 characters that would help and support your leadership journey. They didn’t all have to be different people, although they could be, or some, or all of them could be the same person.

The 6 characters were:

The Instigator: Someone who pushes you, who makes you think. Who motivates you to get up and go, and try, and make things happen. You want to keep this person energised and enthusiastic. This is the voice of inspiration.

The Cheerleader: This person is a huge fan, a strong supporter, and a rabid evangelist for you and your work. Work to make this person rewarded, to keep them engaged. This is the voice of motivation.

The Doubter: This is the devil’s advocate, who asks the hard questions and sees problems before they arise. You need this person’s perspective. They are looking out for you, and want you to be as safe as you are successful. This is the voice of reason.

The Taskmaster: This is the loud and belligerent voice that demands you get things done. This person is the steward of momentum, making sure deadlines are met and goals are reached. This is the voice of progress.

The Connector: This person can help you find new avenues and new allies. This person breaks through roadblocks and finds ways to make magic happen. You need this person to reach people and places you can’t. This is the voice of cooperation and community.

The Example: This is your mentor, your hero, your North Star. This is the person who you seek to emulate. This is your guiding entity, someone whose presence acts as a constant reminder that you too, can do amazing things. You want to make this person happy. This is the voice of true authority.

Back in about 2009, when I first discovered this, I knew exactly who these people were. Some of them wore multiple hats for me. After about 2011 when I’d changed jobs, I really could not pinpoint anyone amongst my work colleagues that fitted any of those roles for me. Happily, I am once again in the position where I can identify at least one person, even if it’s the same person, for each of those roles.

I’ve just read an article by Anthony Tjan on ideas.TED.com who suggests that we should have 5 mentors:

The Master of Craft: “If you know you want to be the best in your field — whether it’s the greatest editor, football quarterback, entrepreneur — ask, Who are the most iconic figures in that area?” says Tjan. This person can function as your personal Jedi master, someone who’s accumulated their wisdom through years of experience and who can provide insight into your industry and fine-tuning your skills. Turn to this person when you need advice about launching a new initiative or brainstorming where you should work next. “They should help you identify, realize and hone your strengths towards the closest state of perfection as possible,” he says.

The Champion of your cause: This mentor is someone who will talk you up to others, and it’s important to have one of these in your current workplace, says Tjan: “These are people who are advocates and who have your back.” But they’re more than just boosters — often, they can be connectors too, introducing you to useful people in your industry.

The Copilot: Another name for this type: Your best work bud. The copilot is the colleague who can talk you through projects, advise you in navigating the personalities at your company, and listen to you vent over coffee. This kind of mentoring relationship is best when it’s close to equally reciprocal. As Tjan puts it, “you are peers committed to supporting each other, collaborating with each other, and holding each other accountable. And when you have a copilot, both the quality of your work and your engagement level improve.”

The Anchor: his person doesn’t have to work in your industry — in fact, it could be a friend or family member. While your champion supports you to achieve specific career goals, your anchor is a confidante and a sounding board. “We’re all going to hit speed bumps and go through uncertainty in life,” says Tjan. “So we need someone who can give us a psychological lift and help us see light through the cracks during challenging times.” Because the anchor is keeping your overall best interests in mind, they can be particularly insightful when it comes to setting priorities, achieving work-life balance, and not losing sight of your values.

The Reverse Mentor: “When we say the word ‘mentor,’ we often conjure up the image of an older person or teacher,” says Tjan. “But I think the counterpoint is as important.” Pay attention to learning from the people you’re mentoring, even though they may have fewer years in the workplace than you. Speaking from his own experience, Tjan says, “Talking to my mentees gives me the opportunity to collect feedback on my leadership style, engage with the younger generation, and keep my perspectives fresh and relevant.”

They both cover a lot of the same ground but Tjan has some interesting other ideas. I know who my Champion and Copilot are. I think I am my own Anchor really. I’m pretty clued up to my own values and setting personal priorities to achieve a good work-life balance. I’m not sure who my Master of Craft is at the moment or my Reverse Mentor as I’m fairly disconnected with leading or mentoring anyone at the moment.

Do you know who you’d have in your corner or who are your 5 mentors?

Style Guru

Someone (you know who you are) came over to see me today and very kindly brought me belated birthday gifts. They were brilliant, thank you. However, it was what she was wearing that got most of my attention.

It looked like she’d just had her hair done, but she professes to have coloured it at home. It looked like it had recently been cut too, but she swears not. She was wearing a fabulous coat. It was blue with white checked lines, a belt and collar. To be honest, she looked very glamourous in it, not that she doesn’t always look fab, but this was really rather special.

All the while we sat and chatted I was thinking “I want that coat”. I offered a very sincere compliment on it and how it looked on her and she told me where she’d bought it from. I’m going to google it later.

But do I need another coat? Probably not. I have several lightweight jackets. I have what I call my autumn jacket, one that is slightly thicker than but not as heavy as a winter jacket. I have a winter jacket. I have a winter coat. I have a rain coat. I have a posh long coat. I probably don’t need another one. But it did look good.

It looked good on her, but would it have looked that good on me? I don’t know. We are different body shapes, height, hair colour and skin tone, so maybe it suited her style better. Maybe I’d just look like a beached whale in it.

I’m trying to inject some colour into my wardrobe as quite a significant amount of it is black or white. I’m trying to find more stylish items rather than the functional or office style. I’m buying more things I can mix and match with other things. I’m trying to move away from the same old stuff. I did actually see a photograph of someone in a bright pink trouser suit the other day and I thought she looked fantastic. I actually felt that I wanted that suit too. Last summer I did buy a bright blue suit, which is very different for me, and I wore it to work a few times and got some really nice compliments.

I think the problem is I’m not really sure what my style is. I like comfort but I like to be smart when I’m at work. I used to wear skirts and dresses but for about 15 years or so I probably have only wore a skirt or dress a handful of times. I have some long dresses that I wear to formal dinners, but that’s all I have in the wardrobe now. Everything else is trousers. I have a long body which makes some styles impossible to wear despite the fact that they might be flattering for my girth!

I think I like an urban casual look. Something fairly soft and comfy with an occasional edge to it. I’m slowly amassing that kind of wardrobe. But every now and then I want a statement piece. Maybe the coat could be this years’ statement piece.

Virtual Henry Johnson Dinner with the St Martin’s Guild

As I’d given a talk to the St Martin’s Guild in September last year, I was kindly invited to attend the virtual 133rd Henry Johnson Dinner.

The invitation included a suggested menu that we may have been eating had the dinner has taken place for real. This was optional to follow but added an element of authenticity to proceedings. Personally, I went with whatever C dished up.

The evening started with a musical performance by one of the ringers and his fiancée. This was followed by a talk on the history of Henry Johnson and the establishment of the Dinner, followed by a toast.

After that was a video of ringing in Ringing Room of call changes on 16 bells, call changes on 6 bells and handbells by The Brumdingers, the young ringers group. This included photos of the young people playing jenga using Caramel wafer chocolate bars. There was another speech and then a photo montage of previous dinners.

What a fantastic event with 69 participants logged in but many were couples or family groups, so possibly 90+ attendees. Its the first virtual dinner that I’ve been to. All the appropriate proceedings were observed. Congratulations to the Guild and thank you for the invitation.

50 Ways to Enjoy Turning Fifty

My sister bought me this book for my birthday last week. I thought I’d better take more than a cursory look at it. It claims to have 50 ways to make this the best year EVER. The book is set out in chapters based on making the most of turning 50, planning the best year EVER, implementing the plan, treating yourself well, having fun, looking back, looking within, expressing gratitude, putting things in order, eliminating what you don’t need, giving and looking forward.

Each chapter has key questions to help you analyse yourself and figure how to make the most of turning 50, thought experiences to delve a little deeper and activities to do. It does say that you can dip in and out of the book, fast forward to the bits that most interest you and so on but being a pedant, I started at the beginning.

Way #1 Accept your age.

Thought experiment 1 asks you to make a list of people you admire who are over fifty and who are living terrific lives and make a note of what you admire about how this person is living their life. OK, so first thing is to think of people over 50 who I admire.

I’m not going to list them all here because some of them might read this and either be embarrassed or disagree. I’ve written each of them in the book. Suffice to say that it includes C, my parents and siblings, a few former work colleagues, and some ringers I know. In some cases, I admire what they have achieved over adversity. In others I admire what they’re currently doing with their lives, and if I’m honest, I’m probably a bit jealous of. Some I admire because I wish I were more like them.

The key questions were what are some benefits of turning 50? and What are you looking forward to this year?

I guess benefits might include being that little bit wiser sometimes. Having more opportunities to reflect on what I want out of life and trying to achieve a better work/life balance. Nearer to retirement age (although still some considerable way to go). Looking forward to getting to see R again. This year has been an exception and we haven’t been able to spend time together, so as soon as we can we’ll do that. Can plan for the trip that we should have had for my 50^th birthday.

Thought experiment 2: what concerns do you have about turning fifty? What challenges are you experiencing or expecting? Which of those can’t you change? What constructive actions can you take regarding that item?

I’m not really bothered about turning 50. It’s just a number. I guess ill health, or my level of unfitness is probably going to be an issue at some point. I’m feeling less tolerant of other people, which I need to reign in a bit sometimes and there are other things that I’d rather be doing with my time but have to work instead. I can’t change that for a few more years yet unless something amazing comes up, like winning the lottery.

A million thank yous

So I’m now 50. The Big five oh. So far so good.

Our original thoughts were to have been having a nice holiday, Italy, Venice were mentioned but of course we couldn’t do that. However my epically wonderful hublet and most favouritest other person daughter R made it really special, as did everyone else who contributed cards, messages and gifts.

I have enough flowers to open my own floristry shop. Fortunately the last lot to be delivered came in their own vase, we’d run out by then.

Then there were chocolates, wine, prosecco,. Even biscuits from my favourite little mate who calls me “biscuit”. Book tokens, West End theatre evoucher, chocolate tasting experience, gift voucher for a cake class with my favourite cake teacher.

Beautiful earrings, necklaces, candles, books on things to do now I’m 50, and a mahoosive lunch/ afternoon tea that was too much food for one sitting. One necklace rom R was of all our birthstones, aquamarine (February), amethyst (March) and Ruby (July).

Balloons that were sneakily made up in the garage, and a chocolate cake to die for delivered having been approved of by R.

Lots of messages, lots of cards and a video chat with my big bruv in the morning and a lovely video chat with R later on in the day.

I feel thoroughly spoilt and am extremely grateful for everyone’s participation.

We’ll go travelling next year when there’s even more to celebrate, our 25th wedding anniversary and R’s 25th birthday.

Might need to take about 3 months off work for that. 😄

Travelling all over the Country

Today was an epic day of activity for me on Ringing Room. This time of year we would ordinarily be #bellringing with a group of friends that we meet up with twice a year. Without being able to meet up for real we decided to try holding a virtual tower grab through the wonders of Ringing Room. On Saturday we had five towers to log in and out of that virtually had us travelling from Oxfordshire to Essex and back again. There are more towers on Sunday from Essex, Portsmouth and Nottingham. We may also try some quarter peals on Sunday morning as well.

So having spent an hour and a half in and out of various towers ringing all sorts of random methods, I then had a Cast of 1000 session for an hour and a half, where I was one of the students practicing spliced Cambridge, Yorkshire and Superlative Surprise Major, and some Lessness and Bristol Surprise Major.

Bearing in mind I’m nursing a stinking cold now as well, my brain was well and truly fried by the end of it. There was very little time between my Cast of 1000 ringing and the evening social Zoom event as part of the ringing weekend, so we cheated and C grabbed a chinese takeaway whilst I was ringing. Just about had enough time to eat it before logging back in to Zoom again.

There were nearly 20 of us on a Zoom chat, catching up as we missed out on the summer tour. We had a short business meeting as well just to think about plans for the year ahead, although its still unlikely that we’ll be able to have the summer tour this year either.

Its quite marvellous how we are all able to continue to ring and meet up with with people, albeit virtually.

Surprise Surprise

There are a few of my former work colleagues, as well as myself, turning a certain age in the next month or so. The first of our little gang to celebrate this milestone happens this weekend. She doesn’t work Wednesdays and Thursdays and then has some annual leave that covers the actual day, so her colleagues and friends (?) surprised her today. When she arrived at work, her desk was surrounded by balloons, presents, cakes, cards and all manner of things. She’s not one for a fuss, but she did rather well in accepting the effort that people had gone to to celebrate with her. She did better than I would have done.

I hate surprises. It might be something to do with my ISTJ personality traits. It makes me feel very uneasy, nervous and not in control of what’s going on. If it had been me, I’d have either walked straight back out, or set about popping all the balloons. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t appreciate the effort of those who had done it had gone to, but if they knew me at all, they wouldn’t have done it in the first place. For me, I think it’s also a case of embarrassment, not knowing what to say or where to look, or what to do next. This is why I never work on my birthday.

At school my birthday was always either at the weekend or during a school half-term holiday so I never had to deal with my birthday at school with people either making a fuss or making fun of me. In most of my working life hardly anyone has ever known it was birthday anyway, and therefore a fuss was never made. Then I just started to book the week off that surrounds my birthday.

This year my significant birthday falls on a Saturday, so I’ve actually booked the week before and the week after off. The original thought was to have gone away somewhere with C and R and have a lovely break and experience somewhere else. However, in the current climate that’s not going to happen, and I’ll be unlikely to even be able to see R, so it’ll be a very quite affair instead. And I’m ok with that. I understand the situation we’re in and that there’s no point in going off about what I can’t do, or depressed about not being able to do what I want to. I’m still going to take the 2 weeks leave, got to use it up anyway, and I’m going to enjoy having some time off to recharge the batteries.

When the time comes that we can meet up with R, or that we can go away somewhere, then we’ll do what we might have done in the first place. I shall have that to look forward to.

Magazine Questionnaires

Do you ever do those questionnaires in magazines? You know, the ones that tell you, depending on your score, what is in store for you in the coming year, what your personality traits are, or what your love life will have in store?

I remember as a kid the only magazine I bought with any regularity was Smash Hits. The only questionnaires they did worked out which pop star you were likely to marry. Of course you had to do the quiz over and over again until you got the answer you wanted. BTW, the only legitimate answer was Simon le Bon 😍

As I progressed (?) on to mags like Cosmopolitan the questionnaires were more along the lines of “how to make him fancy you” and “why your friends don’t like you much”. I guess they thought they were some sort of attempt at self help.

In the workplace over the years I’ve done many, many psychometric tests like Belbin, designed to find out your fundamental personality traits, then try to convince you how you and your colleagues could all work together in perfect harmony despite your differences. I’ve done Belbin so many times for different reasons. I still come out as ISTJ, the logistician. Introverted, observant, thinking and judging. I like facts and data. I like methodology and practicality. It means I’m honest and direct, strong willed, dutiful, responsible, practical. But on the flip side I can be stubborn, insensitive, always by the book, judgy, and self blaming when things fail.

Because I’m not spontaneous or outgoing I find it hard to make friends or trust people’s motives, or express emotions freely (until really pushed). This is the area I’m working on hardest and the moment and I don’t mind telling you, its bloody hard.

I did a magazine questionnaire this week in Psychologies Magazine about what kind of comfort do you need. Each question has 4 options to choose from then you count the times you’ve selected a particular response and it tries to explain what area you need to search in order to find solace.

Have you ever noticed there’s always at least one question where none of the answers is applicable?

Apparently, according to the number of hearts, diamonds, circles and squares I ticked, I have equal measure of hearts and squares. That means that I need to be looking for something spiritual and relational.

By spiritual it doesn’t mean finding God or some mystical thing, but could be in the form of rituals that allow time for reflection, and to connect with others. It suggests that I should focus on treating everyone with kindness, respect and lack of judgement and increase deep listening, filter out the gossip.

Relational suggests investing in meaningful connections with people and changing the relationship I have with myself. Being more compassionate with myself will, apparently, help me find comfort from others.

So, take my intovertedness and difficulty in making friends, insensitivity, stubbornness and self deprecation and just go out there and make meaningful connections. Just like that. Easy. Not.

Suggestions welcome.