Cake brings an end to festive gatherings

How lovely it was to have C’s other two daughters over today. With them was son-in-law and four month old granddaughter.

It required a two day intensive tidy up in the kitchen and lounge. C is a hoarder and has so much stuff, a lot of it not even ours, all over the place. Pretty much every horizontal surface has piles of stuff on it.

The girls, and M, were coming over for a few hours and a light lunch. We’d decided to make a Pinch of Nom bacon, potato and leek soup. C also baked some bread and rolls. We did those the day before. During the morning of their arrival C was finishing up the clearing whilst I baked a black forest gateau from a green BakedIn box.

Baby E was of course the centre of attention, enjoying ripping wrapping paper open, but then trying to eat it. Most things she was given went straight to her mouth. Over lunch she sucked on a slice of cucumber but also seemed to enjoy sucking on a piece of grandad’s homemade white bread roll.

All this attention, new sights, smells and interesting things to look at soon took their toll and she eventually used her daddy’s belly as a cushion for a nice long nap.

Although the black forest gateau didn’t look the prettiest, my jam was to runny and I’d used too much of the cream between the bottom layers there was hardly enough to cover the top, it did taste rather nice. The half hour or so of destoning and chopping the cherries was worth it. C and M had seconds so it couldn’t have been too bad. There was a little bit left over for me and C later on.

C stopped by his brother’s on the way back from putting flowers on his parents graves in Suffolk a couple of days before Christmas. We’ve seen most of my family at dad’s birthday gathering. Spent two lovely days with R on Christmas/Boxing Day, then some time with the other girls and M. That’s all our planned Christmas gatherings complete.

We’re lucky to have been able to see and spend time with everyone especially as others we know have had their plans changed and not been able to see family.

If everyone acts sensibly and limits their exposure to other people over the New Year, hopefully we’ll not see the return of harsher restrictions, or another lockdown.

We’ll be spending New Year at home, just the two of us, watching telly and falling asleep.

Relationships are hard work

I’m sure, like me, you have relationships that leave you feeling drained. The ones you don’t look forward to engaging with whether work, social or family. Relationships is one of the key things that I am trying to work on and improve at, but I know I have a long way to go with them. Some are much more challenging than others.

Karen Gately suggested seven ways that all great relationships have in common and it is worth considering each of these amongst the close relationships we have:

Trust – this takes time to build and is often difficult to regain once lost. Without it though, you will never feel safe, comfortable, open and close. It requires us to be willing to listen to some hard truths and learn from them.
Openness – expressing yourself openly and honestly. Being heard and hearing the other person. Engaging in honest and respectful conversations that allow you to understand one another and build connection. It’s about sharing concerns and problems directly to resolve them.
Respect – No one is perfect. Everyone has a different perspective built on different experiences. Respecting those different values and perspectives will avoid disappointment and frustration.
Teamwork – Everyone needs to do their part. It takes two to Tango. Making decisions together, listening to each other’s concerns and ideas with an open mind with build mutual trust and respect.
Joy – having fun, laughter can help keep healthy relationships energised. We can’t all have a good day every day, but if we are able to help lift each other’s’ spirits it will make people feel loved and accepted.
Kindness – treat each other with care, consideration and compassion. Speak with warmth and consideration, generosity and friendliness.
Forgiveness – holding on to unresolved resentment, disappointment and frustration can erode trust and drain our spirits. You need to be able to express how you feel and then let it go. You need to be able to forgive others’ shortcomings and failings and support one another.

To me it seems that some of these contradict others. If I am being honest and open, I may not always be speaking kindly. I have occasionally been on the receiving end of other people’s tirades both as a manger and in my #bellringing roles, yet I am not allowed to respond the same way. I have to take the higher ground and put up with being spoken to in ways that other people would call me out on if I spoke to them in the same tone. Some of that goes with the territory. Some of it I have to put down to being “the bigger person” but it still hurts, and it’s still frustrating with people operate with double standards.

I do tend to hold on to frustration and resentment, but I am gradually getting better at letting some of that go. Someone once said to me “light the blue touch paper and stand well back”, when I had to share something that I knew others would get up in arms about. This person suggested that basically, say what you have to say then move on, how other people react to it is their business, do not get involved in back and forth chat. As it turned out, a whole bunch of other people pitched in and put the doom-mongers and negative ninnies in their place.

I still have a way to go with some relationships that are a bit broken (as far as I’m concerned anyway, maybe the other person/people don’t feel the same), but I’m choosing one at a time to deal with rather than overwhelm myself with trying to fix everything all at once. Work in progress.

One thing I thought of whilst writing this blog was perhaps a good place to start when trying to rebuild relationships would be to list all the other person’s good qualities and restart the relationship from there, rather than a place of what you might perceive to be their shortcomings.

Slow down to a saunter

There’s always somewhere to be, something to do, someone to run around after.

As we head into a Bank Holiday weekend there’s opportunity for most of us to slow down, to read a book, cook a meal, go for a stroll. Slowing down, taking time to rest requires planning in our house, to create time for taking care of yourself, or space for creativity and inspiration. We have made some plans, some other things have taken over and imposed themselves on our time but there is a bit of time left for relaxation and recuperation.

Friday will be #bellringing based with both virtual (twice) and real ringing. Saturday I should be at a Central Council meeting but an opportunity arose to spend some time with R, and that trumps everything; we’re going to the Food & Drink Festival at Hampton Court Palace. That should be so much fun. Sunday is a return to all things ringing with the real thing in the morning and meetings in the afternoon/evening, with a bit of housework in between.

Bank Holiday Monday is the only day we don’t have anything specific planned. #bellringing practice has been cancelled as people generally like to have the freedom to go out or see family. I have designated this “go slow day”, the day put aside for reading, cooking and generally only doing things I want to do rather than have to do.

One way Tonya Leigh, my current indulgence podcast, suggests to help us slow down is to consider the following:

Write down all your obligations, cooking, cleaning, work, laundry, activities, everything
Go through each item on the list and ask if it is necessary. Would the world end if it didn’t happen today?
Imagine not doing each item on the list and notice how your body responds. Do you relax? Do you feel lighter?

Sometimes, I might feel more stressed at the thought of things building up. They’ve got to be done at some point and is it better to get it done and out of the way, freeing up time afterwards, or to put it off now, enjoy the free time now knowing that you’ll have to do it later anyway. Is is a false sense of security?

What do you do to help you slow down?

The Event

The eagle eyed among you will have noticed an absence of blog on Friday. This was due to a rather special event that took place requiring final preparations on Thursday, meaning I had no opportunity to consider what to write. My focus was fully on preparing and spending quality time with R when she arrived him.

The event on Friday was the long overdue and rescheduled wedding celebrations for my brother and his new wife. They actually married in July but had to postpone the celebrations until we could all get together safely.

So Friday started with an early rise to give the three of us sufficient time to get through showers and final packing. Load up the car, with the all important cake, and head off.

R had been asked to be one of the Ushers and was needed at the venue by 12 noon to help with final set up and last minute things.

Having arrived, checked in and dumped things in our rooms, we left R to her duties and C and I did a bit of exploring around the venue and had something to eat.

At about 1.30pm I started to set up the cake. Thankfully the weather had cooled off a bit over the last few days making creating and assembling much easier without risk of icing melting in sweltering heat. I had put so much time and energy in to this that I didn’t want it to fall at the last hurdle.

Having all got dressed up, family members and other guests started to arrive and R, with her fellow Ushers went about their alloted duties.

The ceremony was lovely with some poignant moments in. They had a sand ceremony which I’d never heard of before. Because this was the coming together of two established families, the bride and groom, and their respective children, all emptied small glasses of different coloured sand into a larger container. The idea being that whilst each person has their own identity (colour of sand), by mixing them into one they come together and create a beautiful new sandscape with all of them mixing together. I really liked that idea.

There was a strong identity with bubbles, brother and wife having chosen to bubble together during lockdown to get to know each other. There were the blowing kind, the drinking kind and even aero bubble chocolates on the tables.

After Pimms and canapés, photos inside and outside due to the will-it-won’t-it rain kept the Ushers on their toes trying to figure out who was who.

Speeches after the wedding feast from the groom and then the bride demonstrated their clear support for each other and their families, and their gratitude to the wider family. Then the best man, a childhood friend, reminded us of times when our brother had aspirations for his own synth band.

Then the party started. More friends arrived, more fizz and then cake cutting. There was a moment of concern when one rather drunken woman was quite close to the cake flailing her arms about. My sisters and I moved in to stand guard.

I spoke to the DJ and put in a special request for a particular song to be played for the bride, groom, their children and siblings and niece (R) to dance to, to symbolically acknowledge the new family. “We are family” by Sister Sledge. And thus, the latest additions to our family were cemented.

I didn’t quite stay until the end, had quite a bit to drink and had been standing in heels far too long, so slipped off about 11.30, way passed my normal bedtime.

A thoroughly fab day full of love and laughter. Every detail carefully thought through.

Breakfast on Saturday morning was a more muted affair, some not managing at all due to the previous night’s over indulgence. For those of us that did make it, large quantities of coffee were consumed and cooked breakfast to help settle the stomach again. A final chance to speak to people before we had to depart.

Although there had been a light shower of rain on the Friday, it was nothing compared to the downpours we had to drive through on ghe way home Saturday. Spare a thought for the wedding taking place at our venue later in the day.

All arrived home safely and napped to catch up after and exhausting day and restless night thecday before. A good kind of exhausted though.

So, the deed is done. The event over. Just the rest of their lives to get to know each other more deeply. Do all the dating things they couldn’t do dur to lockdown, and have fun as a new family.

I wish my brother and his wife much love and happiness. 💖

Writing off the diet weekend starts here

We have a special event on Friday which will involve food, drink and cake. R is coming home on Thursday in readiness so we had decided to go out for dinner Thursday evening to our local Chinese restaurant.

R has declared residency until Monday so we’ve also decided to go out for lunch on Sunday before going to the local RHS garden (weather permitting). And we’re not sure what time we’ll get back home on Saturday after the event so have decided to nominate that as takeaway night.

It seems like we’ll be making up for lost ground with not having been able to eat out for so long by doing it all in the space of one weekend.

As I was at home Wednesday creating cake for the event breakfast mainly consisted of offcuts of cake and icing. I could feel my teeth whincing at the sugar.

I did take a break to go # bellringing for a wedding at the cathedral and on the way home C decided that we really needed to get an ice cream. Who was I to argue?

Fortunately this food fest is being slightly offset by lunch and dinner on Wednesday being Slimming World friendly, but come weigh in day on Friday morning I fear any good works done earlier in the week will have already begun to be lost.

Fingers crossed I’ll still be able to get into my outfit for the event. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I might try and make good decisions but mostly I’ll be enjoying some time with C and R and eating out for a change. I know I’ll get back to the diet on Monday and start all over again.

Just for this weekend I shall kick back and enjoy.

The dads in my life

Sunday was Fathers Day. I know three who have very different stories but all have one thing in common. Me.

The first is my own father. I’ve known him all my life. He worked hard, provided and quietly supported. He took us all #bellringing when we reached the right sort of age. My resounding childhood memories of my dad include meeting us in Tesco on Thursday evenings after he’d finished work. We’d done most of the shopping and he arrived in time to pay the bill. I remember asking his permission to learn a new #bellringing method that I knew he didn’t know and it felt odd to learn something he didn’t know. Of course he said go for it and I haven’t looked back since. When I split up with my ex, he came all the way to Ipswich to collect me and my stuff. The only thing he asked was whether my ex had hurt me (physically). When I said no, he simply said that everything would be ok then. That’s all I needed. I have learned many lessons from my dad over the years.

My brother has had so much to deal with over the last few years. His life was tragically turned upside down yet he has dealt with it with such strength, I really don’t know how he’s done it. I’m not sure I would have been quite so together. He’s had some wonderful news more recently and I couldn’t be happier for him.

My husband is just incredible. He has two daughters from his first marriage and one from ours. All girls! He has done so much for all of them. He is such a practical but caring father. And soon to be grandad. He’s actually quite mushy about it in private. It was lovely to see him with his eldest recently, who is expecting her first child. He’s going to be a besotted grandad for sure. And guess what, another girl! I could not have asked for a better baby daddy to our own. Watching their relationship develop particularly as she’s got older has been interesting. She’s quite capable and independent, but he’ll go running to help her out at the drop of a hat.

Step-son-in-law is about to become a daddy and it will be lovely to see him develop as a father too.

Thank you to all the daddys in my life.

How I used something destructive to find something good

I was reading an article on a LinkedIn site I follow which had quotes from successful business people about the best advice they’d ever received. One quote from Allison Dunn, president and CEO of Deliberate Directions stated a mentor once told her “The only person in your whole life you get to choose is your spouse—everyone else is given to us: parents, siblings, schoolmates, co-workers, neighbours, even your children—so choose wisely”.

In my early twenties I was in a long term relationship and lived with a guy who was earning roughly twice as much as me, he’d done his three year stint in the army and was pursuing a career in accountancy. We’d hooked up at my 18^th birthday party where he was the barman at the venue the party was held at. We moved in together in to a tiny one room bedsit with a shared bathroom and kitchen. From there we moved to a flat of our own and we got engaged and had even booked the church for our wedding.

Then he suddenly decided to move to another county. One where he had lived before and had always wanted to go back to. We hadn’t discussed it at all. He just announced it. I asked what I was supposed to do and he replied I could come too if I wanted to. I was young and naïve so duly followed, now requiring an hour long commute at either end of the working day.

I spend two years trudging back and forth and during that time we bumped into his ex-girlfriends in pubs and he banged on and on about “when I was in the army…” He told me I didn’t know anything about anything and would never amount to much and if I went out with my own friends of an evening, clearly I was on the pull.

Eventually, I woke up and decided that I’d had enough. I got up really early one Saturday morning and decided to move back to my parents. I packed up my stuff in silence. He didn’t even question what I was doing. When I came to leave he told me that I didn’t have to but when I asked if there was any point in me staying he said probably not.

Despite that failed relationship I learned a lot about how I would be in any future relationship. I would have my own ground rules about what I would do, when and with whom. Any other partner would have to meet me on equal footing. I was never going to be disrespected again.

Fast forward and I got together with C. The first thing I did was to set out my ground rules and tell him that I would never ask his permission to do anything. I might ask his advice and I might consult with him but if I wanted, or didn’t want to, do anything I didn’t need his permission.

C and I are very similar in that we don’t really do conflict. We bumble along quite merrily. We are comfortable in our independence but also as a couple. We have things that we can do together and things we do separately. We generally make decisions together and are totally united with the way we brought up R, and how we support her now. I have become the wicked step-mother to his other children which has had some interesting challenges, particularly when they were younger. I think we have a good relationship.

C makes me feel safe, valued and respected. He totally blew me away by his response to something last year that I really didn’t expect he would go to that extreme for me. He might not like some of the things I say and do but never chastises me about it. But then I don’t always like somethings he does or says. We have similar outlooks on life and neither of us can be bothered to argue. I can honestly say that we have never had a fight or serious argument. It takes too much energy.

He supports me in all my endeavours. After he retired early a couple of years ago, he has taken on the role of domestic goddess. Dinner is ready when I get home from work, and he’s a damn good cook. The washing is done (ok, I still do the ironing), the cleaning is done. The food shopping is done. He doesn’t get frustrated with all the meetings I’m at in the evenings, or at least never says anything. He doesn’t complain when I’ve bought more clothes than I need (with my own money). He supports my family shenanigans. I am sure there are things about me that frustrate him but he never mentions them.

We have been married for over 24 years now and together 28. I think we’ve got the measure of each other and as we transition into our dotage, I’m sure there will be new challenges ahead. However, I am confident that we can continue to face them together.

I chose wisely.

First proper road trip in a while

Its a bank holiday weekend in the UK and the start of half term school holidays. Its often the first real getaway opportunity but with some Covid restrictions in place, or at least limiting some activities, it was touch and go whether we’d be able to go anywhere.

We haven’t seen step daughter #1 since March 2020 for a fleeting meet up and the last time we came to stay with them would have been around Christmas 2019. Lots has happened since then.

It was lovely to be able to take a trip to see her and have a proper catch up. She had an exam on Friday afternoon so we we’re instructed not to arrive before 5pm. We got there about 5.30pm. The sun was shining and it was warm so it was great to be able to sit out in the back garden with a cuppa and have a good chat.

E is a great cook and baker too so no surprises that she’d made a lasagne and all she needed to do was shove it in the oven.

Before we knew it it was 11pm and she was clearly tired and getting uncomfortable so we all headed to bed.

It was lovely to be here and see her bump before due date in July. I’m glad she seems to be well throughout her pregnancy and everything is going as it should.

Looking forward to the rest of the weekend wandering around Hardwick Hall, curry night and good company for the rest of the weekend.

Whatever you’re doing I hope you have a great weekend.

Birthday boy

10 days ago I celebrated my 50th birthday and C pulled out all the stops for a lockdown special day. Today it was my turn to spoil him a bit.

A little bit more awkward as I had to go to work but we started with cards and presents. Lots of good things had arrived from family. Beer, a photobook, a sweet and cake selection, a mystery gift that he has to log into on the computer for, bumper box of Hotel Chocolat treats. I bought him a book about a bellringer who he used to ring with when he was at university and a set of e-bells. The e-bells are so we can ring handbells on the virtual #bellringing platforms. They haven’t arrived yet as there’s a bit of a backlog but I’m sure he’ll have fun when they arrive.

He’s had to amuse himself during the day but I did manage to get off work early.

He usually cooks dinner and we would ordinarily go out for a meal on birthdays but as we can’t do that I suggested I’d treat him to a take out. He opted for a curry and we both went for something different from the menu. He had one of his birthday beers to go with it.

I’d made a small cake, not very extravagant, but stuck a candle on it and took obligatory photo to send to all of his children.

He doesn’t do social media but many people have posted birthday wishes on my media, which I’ve shared with him and for which he’s grateful.

He’s not one for big displays or being the centre of attention but he’s worth it. Happy birthday Mr C. 💞

50 Ways to Enjoy Turning Fifty

My sister bought me this book for my birthday last week. I thought I’d better take more than a cursory look at it. It claims to have 50 ways to make this the best year EVER. The book is set out in chapters based on making the most of turning 50, planning the best year EVER, implementing the plan, treating yourself well, having fun, looking back, looking within, expressing gratitude, putting things in order, eliminating what you don’t need, giving and looking forward.

Each chapter has key questions to help you analyse yourself and figure how to make the most of turning 50, thought experiences to delve a little deeper and activities to do. It does say that you can dip in and out of the book, fast forward to the bits that most interest you and so on but being a pedant, I started at the beginning.

Way #1 Accept your age.

Thought experiment 1 asks you to make a list of people you admire who are over fifty and who are living terrific lives and make a note of what you admire about how this person is living their life. OK, so first thing is to think of people over 50 who I admire.

I’m not going to list them all here because some of them might read this and either be embarrassed or disagree. I’ve written each of them in the book. Suffice to say that it includes C, my parents and siblings, a few former work colleagues, and some ringers I know. In some cases, I admire what they have achieved over adversity. In others I admire what they’re currently doing with their lives, and if I’m honest, I’m probably a bit jealous of. Some I admire because I wish I were more like them.

The key questions were what are some benefits of turning 50? and What are you looking forward to this year?

I guess benefits might include being that little bit wiser sometimes. Having more opportunities to reflect on what I want out of life and trying to achieve a better work/life balance. Nearer to retirement age (although still some considerable way to go). Looking forward to getting to see R again. This year has been an exception and we haven’t been able to spend time together, so as soon as we can we’ll do that. Can plan for the trip that we should have had for my 50^th birthday.

Thought experiment 2: what concerns do you have about turning fifty? What challenges are you experiencing or expecting? Which of those can’t you change? What constructive actions can you take regarding that item?

I’m not really bothered about turning 50. It’s just a number. I guess ill health, or my level of unfitness is probably going to be an issue at some point. I’m feeling less tolerant of other people, which I need to reign in a bit sometimes and there are other things that I’d rather be doing with my time but have to work instead. I can’t change that for a few more years yet unless something amazing comes up, like winning the lottery.