How to find and live out your purpose

Do you sometimes think if you could just figure out what your life’s purpose is, your life would be complete? I have done occasionally. I wonder what the point of me is, why am I here? What am I meant to be contributing to the world?

Purpose is the reason for which something is done or created, or for which something exists. In figuring out what your purpose is, you get to decide why you exist, why you’re doing something. Your purpose can be being intentional and deciding how you want to show up, who you want to be.

There are those who in their early years have a clear view of who they want to be when they grow up, a doctor, a lawyer, a writer. Most of us though probably don’t have a strong sense of who we want to be. I’d never have thought I’d be doing what I am now. I never really thought about what I wanted to be or do. R had very clear views. At first she wanted to be a forensic scientist and we helped her towards that route. We looked at what she needed to do at University and worked it backwards through A levels and GCSEs. When it became apparent that she probably wasn’t cut out for that, an opportunity arose for her to play with photography, and that’s where she excelled. She was a natural at it. She did photography at A level and even her teacher said there was nothing more she could teach her, she needed to go to Uni to do it, and that’s what she did. Unfortunately the world of photography is a difficult one to get into, particularly if you lack self-confidence, but she has eventually found a job that revolves around camera equipment and is happy taking photos for fun. She’s even had a couple of commissions over the last few years. She found her thing.

If you think about what has led you to this moment, you stop trying to find your purpose and focus on deliberately showing up as the person you want to be. It takes practice, but things will begin to change. When you refocus energy from resisting your job or what you do now into creative energy you can think about other things you want to experience. When we are curious about other opportunities and projects they lead to the next step, and the next, without necessarily knowing what the outcome will be.

You may still not know what the ultimate outcome will be but your purpose will be whatever you want it to be and whoever you decide to be. Beyond that you get to choose to involve yourself in things you’re curious about and that may take you down another route. Take the pressure off yourself and decide who you want to be as a human being then live that out no matter where you are or what you’re doing.

For me, I think I’ve taken choices, particularly at work, that have served my needs at the time. I reduced my hours when R was at school and I took a job that was much lower banding than I was used to. Not long into it, I started to see opportunities to make efficiencies, to make the process better and get more information out of it as a result. That lead to promotion. Eventually I went back to full time, and in a role that gave me opportunity to process and plan, and organise. Over the course of the next six years, I got promoted three times based on my emerging capabilities. As a result of that I was then head hunted for a job with a major increase in responsibilities. From there I’ve used my abilities to plan, process map and monitor. This has put me back into the project management world, which makes good use of those skills.

I feel that my purpose is to organise things and people, and look at processes to try to improve them. I also have a number of curiosities outside of work that I dabble in but so far have not taken the braver step into investing fully into them. I am keen to learn and explore areas of unfamiliarity.

I think I will always return to organising. It’s what I do. I must be my purpose.

What’s yours?

Coming Unstuck

Sometimes, I just don’t have any ideas. I feel uninspired, unfocussed and generally “meh” about things. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen frequently, but every now and then I feel like there’s nothing there. I can talk with others, inspirational people, and still have nothing to contribute or feel that is worth sharing.

Clinical psychologist Dr Terry Singh suggests that to get unstuck we need to understand that getting unstuck is not the same as feeling better about something, or successfully changing, rather that is it the first step towards change. He suggests starting with focussing on the experience of being stuck, this could be something physiological, a tensing or chest tightening, that could lead on to feelings of anxiety. Knowing what you know about yourself, your feelings and experiences and so on is what helps you get unstuck. We need to delve deeply into those experiences; usually we only scratch the surface when we consider our experience of the moment. Think about what you are thinking, one or many thoughts, physical feelings, level of comfort/discomfort, emotions – present or absent and intensity. Dr Singh says it’s important not to take shortcuts when we consider our experience. Taking a closer look at the blind spots in our experience is the key to unlocking change.

We need to look at our physical state and how that impacts our internal state and impacting our thoughts and emotions. It could be something simple like drinking too much coffee first thing in the morning is not likely to help you if you have high anxiety levels.

Getting unstuck is more nuanced. Singh says “Paying attention to your experience is a skill just like riding a bike. The more we practice paying attention to our experience in our daily lives, the better we get at it. The better we get at it, the less likely we are to get stuck when faced with a problem”.

When I have moments of creative block I usually remove myself from the scene. Take time out to do something else and forget about whatever it was I was stuck with and go back to it another time. Some suggest that you should ignore your most creative time of day and do whatever it is you’re stuck on at your least creative time of day. This might be because you could be more insightful at non-optimal times of the day. The focused energy can sometimes crowd out the eureka moments.

For some, according to a study by researchers in Germany, turning lights down low helps with a sense of freedom and reduces inhibition, which in turn can increase creative and help us come up with new solutions.

One that I have done myself, so can testify to it actually working, is to share the idea with someone that you don’t always agree with. They will be your harshest critic and argue and debate it with you. Having to defend your ideas helps expose its weaknesses and offers different viewpoints.

The best suggestion of all, not that I’m advocating we should all do it, is to get slightly tipsy. Alcohol decreases focus, which would not be good if you had to do something highly analytical, but it’s great for brainstorming. How many times have we heard that the “best ideas happen in the pub”.

Next time I get stuck for an idea, I crack open a beer! Cheers.

The Instant Gratification Monkey

I was reading an online article from Tim Urban, who studied why procrastinators procrastinate. He possets that they can’t help it. In their brain the procrastinator has the Rational Decision Maker who steadily guides the mind in to doing what needs to be done, and then there’s the Instant Gratification Monkey who sideswipes things and sends the mind off wandering for some instant satisfaction for information or other, that takes us away from our steady path.

The Instant Gratification Monkey takes us off to play in what Urban calls the Dark Playground, that space where all the fun, new, shiny things hang out that distract us from what we should be doing. In the back of our minds though is this constant feeling of anxiety or regret for that looming deadline or that thing that we’ve been working towards for ages. When that deadline approaches though, it’s time for a visit from the Panic Monster who scares us away from the Dark Playground back in to a sense of productivity to get things done.

Urban offers three steps to turn procrastination into motivation:

recognise that you are procrastinating. Being aware of something is usually the first step in resolving it.
Understand the reason for the procrastination. Is it the task itself, or is it you? Is it that you aren’t enjoying it, not qualified for it, or feeling overwhelmed by it?
Set objectives, tactics and rewards. Depending on the reason for the procrastination in the first place it might be as simple as having a to do list if you’re feeling overwhelmed, or someone that holds you to account, or if you promise yourself a treat if you get that thing done.

There are times that I procrastinate. It’s not usually because I don’t want to do something, more that I don’t want to do that particular thing right now. I will send that email out but after I’ve watched this episode of that tv programme I like. I will write that report just as soon as I’ve finished making lunch. I will learn how to ring handbells properly, just as soon as I’ve written that report and sent that email. Sometimes it can become a vicious cycle.

Other days, I can blast through even the most boring, or painful task without so much as a second thought. It’s about the frame of mind that I’m in. Sometimes, I find being in a particular place, or with particular people helps galvanise me into action. Sometimes I just wake up and tell myself that today I’m going to power on through all that stuff and clear my to do list.

Today has definitely been one of the latter type of days. I’ve finished the first draft of a strategy document. I’ve documented a framework that I invented that supports that strategy. I’ve been for a power walk. I’ve read the next section on learning to ring handbells and had a few goes at it. My Rational Decision Maker was in charge today.

I wonder if that means tomorrow I’ll be all out of juice and my Instant Gratification Monkey will be running the show.

50 Ways to Enjoy Turning Fifty

My sister bought me this book for my birthday last week. I thought I’d better take more than a cursory look at it. It claims to have 50 ways to make this the best year EVER. The book is set out in chapters based on making the most of turning 50, planning the best year EVER, implementing the plan, treating yourself well, having fun, looking back, looking within, expressing gratitude, putting things in order, eliminating what you don’t need, giving and looking forward.

Each chapter has key questions to help you analyse yourself and figure how to make the most of turning 50, thought experiences to delve a little deeper and activities to do. It does say that you can dip in and out of the book, fast forward to the bits that most interest you and so on but being a pedant, I started at the beginning.

Way #1 Accept your age.

Thought experiment 1 asks you to make a list of people you admire who are over fifty and who are living terrific lives and make a note of what you admire about how this person is living their life. OK, so first thing is to think of people over 50 who I admire.

I’m not going to list them all here because some of them might read this and either be embarrassed or disagree. I’ve written each of them in the book. Suffice to say that it includes C, my parents and siblings, a few former work colleagues, and some ringers I know. In some cases, I admire what they have achieved over adversity. In others I admire what they’re currently doing with their lives, and if I’m honest, I’m probably a bit jealous of. Some I admire because I wish I were more like them.

The key questions were what are some benefits of turning 50? and What are you looking forward to this year?

I guess benefits might include being that little bit wiser sometimes. Having more opportunities to reflect on what I want out of life and trying to achieve a better work/life balance. Nearer to retirement age (although still some considerable way to go). Looking forward to getting to see R again. This year has been an exception and we haven’t been able to spend time together, so as soon as we can we’ll do that. Can plan for the trip that we should have had for my 50^th birthday.

Thought experiment 2: what concerns do you have about turning fifty? What challenges are you experiencing or expecting? Which of those can’t you change? What constructive actions can you take regarding that item?

I’m not really bothered about turning 50. It’s just a number. I guess ill health, or my level of unfitness is probably going to be an issue at some point. I’m feeling less tolerant of other people, which I need to reign in a bit sometimes and there are other things that I’d rather be doing with my time but have to work instead. I can’t change that for a few more years yet unless something amazing comes up, like winning the lottery.

Every day’s a school day

It seems like it at the moment anyway. Between doing my online mindfulness course, which has really challenged some thoughts and feelings, and learning methods for virtual #bellringing in Ringing Room sessions, of which I had 4 this week.

The first #bellringing session was a district practice which I didn’t need to learn anything new for but the session that I run on Thursdays we’re consolidating methods that we’ve been learning for February. Some of those methods are repeated at a Friday morning session but sometimes something different. Then every other Friday there’s another session that changes methods every time. This week I needed to learn Newcastle and Alnwick Surprise Minor. And in 2 weeks’ time, we’re aiming for London and Wells Surprise Minor, and I set new methods for our Thursday session at the beginning of the month.

Some of these methods I’ve never even looked at, always thinking they are beyond my capability but with the advent of Ringing Room, have been able to ring things that I wouldn’t normally get to ring in any of the towers that I would normally frequent.

Learning to ring takes time, even just the basics of handling a bell on your own, then you need to join in with others and make a meaningful sound. Then you can move on to the more complicated stuff, but that tends to depend on others a bit more, as you can only ring to the standard of the most novice ringer in the band. However, learning skills that require longer term commitment can be rewarding and stimulating for the brain.

A quick internet search shows that there are a multitude of sites that promote learning something new, from new skills, to new languages, to cooking and baking, knitting and creating videos. I’ve always found learning something new to be rewarding. It doesn’t necessarily make me an expert in it but it gives me better understanding, better skills, better adjustment and a wider range of things to do.

Having just completed the 6 week mindfulness course, I’m now looking around the site to find the next thing to dive into.

Body Scanning

I have always found it hard to meditate. To find the time for starters. I have a full time job and a full time hobby as well as a family. Finding time to sit and do nothing just doesn’t feature. When I have tried body scanning or meditation before I’ve always been skeptical and probably not allowed myself the chance to fully embrace it and practice it thoroughly. I’ve always thought it’s a bit “woo woo”!

I indulged myself today with a full, guided body scan activity that was actually quite lengthy. I found myself wandering off at times, my inner voice telling me that I have many other things I should be doing right now, what was I doing just sitting here, seemingly doing nothing. As I went through the practice though, I got better at shutting that inner voice out and really tuning in to what my body was telling me.

As I moved on from each area of the body, I felt that area go cold. I had a constant tenseness in my thighs and shoulders. I’ve had quite bad back problems before and as soon as I started to focus on the pelvic area I felt sharp pains in my coccyx. As I moved to the lower back, I felt the muscle memory tense and try to go into spasm. I had to consciously try to shut these feelings out. They weren’t real. My body was just reacting in the way it has been used to for many years.

After about 10-15 minutes or so I felt my eyes start to get heavy and could have quite easily nodded off, so had to keep bringing myself back from the abyss. When I moved on to the back, chest and shoulders, I felt that I had to physically expand my chest by moving my arms behind me so that it opened out my shoulders and allowed more breath to fill my lungs. I almost had to prise my clenched jaw apart.

The whole thing took just over half an hour to complete. Time that I simply do not have every day of the week. I felt that this length of time focused on listening to my body and my breathing was a bit of a luxury, and maybe should be reserved for a bit of self-indulgence at the end of a busy week.

Or at the beginning of a two week holiday 🙂

The Ladder of Participation

Someone at work mentioned that they were reading an article about the Ladder of Participation. This got me thinking about my own participation in activities both at work and home, predominantly about the roles I have within the #bellringing community.

The Ladder, devised in the late 1960’s, has three categories: Non-participation, Tokenism and Citizen Power. Each category has a number of rungs within it that describes how citizens, the general public, can through participation, have more influence in society. https://nhspublicvoice.wordpress.com/2016/10/27/ladder-of-participation-shows-how-involved-you-are/

Starting at the bottom rungs of the ladder in the non-participative categories are Manipulation and Therapy. These two are there to educate and cure the participant and to achieve public support through PR activities.

The next three rungs are in the Tokenism category and cover Informing, the one way flow of information, Consultation, the use of attitudinal surveys, meetings, public enquiries, but can be seen as a window dressing, before escalating to Placation, allowing citizens to give opinion or advise but holding on to the right to judge the legitimacy of that advice.

The real Citizen Power comes with the top three rungs of the ladder. Partnership, the redistribution of power between citizens and the power holders with shared decision making. Delegated Power, where the citizens now have the power to make decisions and assure accountability. Citizen Control, where the participants hold the power for entire job planning, policy making and managing activities.

In the #bellringing context I can see definite elements of manipulation and therapy and informing, where we are providing information, guidance and exercises to educate and support. We are currently undertaking various consultations to find out what people want from their #bellringing organisations. I hope that we do not then use that to placate, but inform decision and policy making. We have seen some great examples, particularly over the last 12 months or so or partnership, Association of Ringing Teachers, Central Council of Church Bell Ringers and The Ringing World working together. We are certainly offering opportunities for Delegated Power in the workgroup structure, which allows anyone, even if they are not a Council member to participate and influence the direction we are taking, and providing expertise. The Citizen Control might be a bit more tricky to manage wholescale, but there are pockets of activities that are directed by the ringers at a local level and we would want to support them with that.

No doubt there is room for improvement at every rung of the ladder, but it was interesting to note that we are on every rung. Where are you on the ladder?

Broadening musical horizons

Sunday evening I really enjoyed watching a compilation programme on BBC1 of highlights from stage musicals, Musicals: The Greatest Show, which was immediately followed by the O2 staged 25^th anniversary production of Les Miserables, a show that we’ve seen in the West End, and one of the few that I have the soundtrack for downloaded on my music player.

Cast members from several West End shows like Wicked, Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, Hairspray, Six and others, sang iconic songs from the shows. And I knew the words to pretty much all of them. We’ve had a family tradition for many years now of going to see a West End show during the Christmas period, so have seen a fair few of the offerings.

I do like a good belter of a song, or one that is really catchy and sing-a-long-able. Even if I don’t know the words, I know the tune and was humming, whistling or making some random noises along to (probably to the annoyance of C). There were some spectacular performances that really got the hair on the back of your neck standing up.

The Les Miserables performance was exceptional. They’d make some adjustments to the performance to account for it being at the O2, but nothing of the drama was lost. At the end they had all 4 performers who had played Jean Val Jean singing together, which was actually pretty awesome. To be honest, I can’t remember which one of them played him when we went to see it, without digging the programme out, it was a few years ago now.

The last musical we went to see was Six, the stories of Henry VIII’s wives, factually correct but with a bit of a modern spin on the delivery. It was more like going to a rock concert than a theatre show, especially at the end when they encouraged everyone to get up on the their feet and dance, and get their phones out to record it.

We really have missed out on some spectacular theatre over this last year but I’m pleased that shows like the Musicals: The Greatest Show may have reached a new audience and enthused more of us to partake when we are able.

We do currently have tickets for Sister Act in August, featuring Whoopi Goldberg and Jennifer Saunders, which was postponed from last year, so fingers cross that goes ahead. I will look forward to visiting the West End again and having a good old sing along.

What’s stopping you from letting go?

Another one of those self-awareness quizzes (I’m getting quite in to them now) was all about what’s stopping you from letting things go and moving forward. This could be an incident that keeps holding you back, lack of self-confidence, lack of imagination, capability or opportunity.

So having answered the obligatory 10 questions – why do they feel the need after question 4 and question 8 to let you know that you are now 40% and 80% complete? – it spewed out my results:

Self-Awareness

Ruminating can become habitual, the go-to place for your mind to wander. But constantly rehashing old arguments, decisions or events keeps them live and fresh. Next time you find yourself sucked into an overthinking spiral, check in with how you feel. If your mood has taken a downturn or you’re feeling anxious, your thinking is not helping you resolve anything. Increasing self-awareness by making time every day to do a mindfulness exercise can help you get into the habit of observing the stories your mind is telling you without getting sucked into them. Try starting your day with a mindful shower – focus on feeling all the sensations and smells. When your mind wanders, observe where it has gone without comment or analysis, then bring yourself back to the present. It may also help to schedule daily ‘worry time’ and park your overthinking until a specific time of day, preferably when you’re relaxed and in a good frame of mind. If, when worry time comes around, you don’t want to go over old stuff, that’s a bonus.

I do actually go over things, again and again, and try to understand the different nuances of what has happened, why it happened, what could have been done differently, how I could have reacted differently. I also spend a lot of time thinking about why am I spending so much time thinking about it. I often tell myself to move on.

I guess that I’m one of those who constantly beats myself up about things. There’s always something I could have done better, or should have done that I didn’t, or did that I shouldn’t have, or that I really ought to give more time to. I replay conversations over in my mind multiple times. “What if I’d have said this”? or “if they’d have said that I could have…” and so on.

I’m not sure that I want to schedule a daily worry time, as there are some days when I don’t overly worry about anything in particular, and I’m not sure that you can necessarily schedule it. Things that will cause worry that are triggered by other things and can happen at any time. I might be in the middle of one thing and something on the radio or that I’ve read will trigger my brain to relive a previous worry.

I try to learn from previous errors and hope not to repeat them (not always necessarily successfully) however, I do find it really hard to forget about them and move on, even when a solution has been found, agreed and implemented. I will stew over it, even after some considerable time.

I guess I need to learn how to deal with it in the moment, resolve whatever it is, and then move on. Step away. Park it. Easier said than done.

How adventurous are you?

I do not think I’m the adventurous type at all. I like home comforts. I like routine. I like to know what I’m doing and when so that I can plan around it. I’m not particularly great at trying new experiences. Although I did do an abseil once. I did go skiing when I was at school. I do like to travel and see different places. And I did make my husband do husky sledging a few years back. But I’m not spontaneous, or good at thinking of what others might see as exciting things to do.

So, I thought I’d try and find out what the experts say about whether I’m an adventurous sort or not and turned to one of those on line quizzes that thinks its gets to know all about you and your preferences by asking you a mere 10 multiple choice questions. According to the results:

You are excited by new experiences

Cosmopolitan, smart and savvy, above all, you get your kicks from interesting experiences. You flourish when your mind and senses are nourished and flounder in a cultural vacuum. The buzz of a new exhibit, the hush as the theatre curtain parts, or the flavours of a new cuisine all excite your palate and thrill your thoughts. For you, the conventional is dreary. Because you open yourself up to a wide array of artistic and intellectual interests, your world is ever expanding.

Well, as it happens, yes I do like the theatre. We do try to at least make an annual trip to see a West End show each Christmas time (2020 being the exception) and if anything else takes our fancy in the mean time we’d go along. I do like to learn new things and educate myself. I enjoy certain types of museums and exhibits and enjoy a good National Trust property or English Heritage site. I do like eating, so trying new things from time to time is good, and when we are on holiday abroad I do like to try something that might be considered local cuisine (so long as its not fish!).

So I might not be adventurous in the sense that I like to do extreme things like water sports (I have a phobia of water so that’s not going to work), or bungee jumping, or fast paced stuff, I’m more of a slow, steady adventurer. I’m less keen on the “let’s do something crazy” and go for more of the “let’s plan a nice trip out”.

A while back I did do a year (and am probably still doing it) of saying “yes” to everything that came my way. This was both exciting to take on new challenges but worrying as some of the things I was asked to do put me in the spotlight, somewhere I’m not comfortable with. However, it did give me a chance to connect with new people, and has stretched my own learning and capacity. The downside is that I now get involved in lots of things that I can’t always give sufficient time to. So there’s a fine balance needed.

So, maybe I am unconventionally adventurous and my world is ever expanding, just slowly.