You put your hands on your hips…

Those of you of a certain age will immediately be singing the next line “and bring your knees in tight” from the fabulous Rocky Horror Picture Show. But I want us bring us to the line “Let’s do the time warp again”.

I was looking through my wardrobe recently. I had bought some new clothes and needed to cram them in the already bulging wardrobe that had items in I hadn’t worn for ages. I decided to go through the items to confirm whether they were worth keeping any longer or not. As I took each item out I reminisced about when I last wore it and how it made me feel. To my surprise I found it made me happier. With some items I recalled feeling more empowered, confident, more feminine, stronger and at my best. I guess I had got used to wearing comfortable. The same few items that circulated through the wash without getting anything else out of the wardrobe to mix it up a little. I ended up keeping all of it. This week I have even been mixing and matching the night before what I’m going to wear the next day, actually thinking quite a lot about the clothes I have and might wear and how they would make me feel. It has had a marked effect on how I feel about myself this week.

In 1981 Ellen Langer, a Harvard psychologist ran an experiment with an older group of men that essentially took them back in time to the late 1950’s. They lived in a mock up 1950’s environment, all the music, furniture, news and sports, everything was from the 1950s, and they had to talk about things that were happening then as if they were present day. The results showed that the men felt and even looked younger, they stood taller, had increased dexterity and a new lease of life of someone twenty years younger than they actually were. https://ideas.ted.com/aging-is-inevitable-so-why-not-do-it-joyfully-heres-how/

This experiment was repeated in 2010 when the BBC recreated the experiment with aging celebrities with similar results. Langer concluded that when we prime our minds to feel younger, our bodies follow. I wonder whether this was what happened with my wardrobe reminiscing. Maybe these mini time warps and checking in with our younger selves can be a rediscovery of parts of ourselves that we’ve lost touch with. That’s not to say that we should be always trying to live in the past, but there might be certain things that prompt us into reliving some of our youth that will make us feel and act more youthful and make us feel better in our current day lives.

I have loved wearing some of the clothes that had got lost in the back of the wardrobe this week. I feel more lively and “human again”, instead of wearing the same old familiar, comfy clothes that don’t inspire.

Ingrid Fetell Lee urges us to act joyfully:

“Our goal shouldn’t be to cling to youth as we get older, but to keep our joy alive by tending our inner child throughout our days while also nurturing our connection to the changing world. In doing so, we balance wisdom with wonder, confidence with curiosity and depth with delight.”

Where’s my head at?

Technically, it’s at the top of my body. It supports my face and is maintained by the skull, which itself encloses the brain. Although having a brain is debatable at the moment.

I drove home from work and instead of plugging my phone into the car, connecting by Bluetooth to listen to a podcast, I simply turned the engine on and drove off. By the time I had realised that there was no sound, as I didn’t have the radio on either, I was almost home so it wasn’t worth trying to put some music or anything else on at that point. I don’t recall consciously thinking about anything in particular, in fact of anything at all, on the journey home. There was just nothingness.

Later in the evening I hosted a virtual #bellringing session in Ringing Room and kept zoning out. As I was ringing, I would suddenly find myself adrift and then snapping back in to place, but not without causing some mayhem along the way. Needless to say, for a number of reasons, including my head being somewhere else, it wasn’t the most successful of ringing sessions I’ve had of late.

I have lots of things going on at work and deadlines to meet for various tasks, which in itself is fine, that’s just business as usual. I’m not concerned about any of it and it’s all on track. Things in #bellringing world are ticking along, again nothing overly demanding at the moment, little pockets of things to do. It’s not like I’m overloaded or worried about anything, so my brain isn’t about to go in to melt down.

I have found lately the idle time I have during the evenings, (rare thought that is) when I would usually play a game on my tablet, or read articles, or google stuff, has been filled with a sort of “meh”, can’t be botheredness. It’s like I can’t be bothered to play the game because it’s no longer interesting, or a waste of time. I can’t think of what to google so end up staring at the empty search bar not even being able to think of a word or phrase to type in. To be honest, I’ve struggled a bit over the last few days to find anything to write this blog about, hence they’ve probably been a bit shorter than usually, and this one is total and utter codswallop.

I don’t know whether I need an injection of energy, or the opposite, whether I need to give my brain and body a rest. For now, I’ll settle for the immortal words of Basement Jaxx:

Where’s your head at (Where your head at)
Where’s your head at (Where your head at)
Drozze it

The power of the power nap

I love sleep. I can sleep through thunderstorms. I can sleep through pretty much anything. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d be a gold medallist. I don’t lack sleep.

I can also nap to order. If I’m relaxed at home, not really doing much (not very often), I can actually set myself a mental time limit on having a nap. I curl up and look at the clock, then tell myself I have fifteen or twenty minutes for a quick nap. More often than not, I will actually wake up, without the need for an alarm, in that timeframe.

Research suggests that a twenty minute snooze in the afternoon provides more rest than if we were to extend our morning sleep by twenty minutes. Enjoying a nap in the afternoon has been shown to greatly improve cognitive function, recover any sleep deprivation, prepare us for upcoming sleep loss, relax our mood and increase energy levels. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/napping

Some people say that they feel groggy after a nap and no better for it. This is because of the stages our body cycles through during sleep. A five minute nap is too short to be beneficial at all. Sleeping for longer than thirty minutes gives the body a chance to enter deep sleep which is when you may feel groggy afterwards.

Although there are benefits for having a short afternoon siesta, for some it can be counterproductive by interfering with the natural ability to fall asleep at bedtime. Insomniacs should avoid napping.

The Sleep Foundation offer advice for taking the best nap:

Set an alarm – the best nap length is for about ten to twenty minutes, providing restorative sleep without the drowsiness. Of, if you’re like me, just tell yourself how long you can nap for.

Nap early – about halfway between the point when you wake up and the time you intend to go to bed. Don’t leave it too late otherwise it would affect your chance to get to sleep when you do go to bed.

Create the right environment – make yourself comfortable, quiet, cool and dark. I don’t have a problem falling asleep in the bright sunlight, curled up on the sofa.

Relax – put aside what’s worrying you, forget the to-do lists, or use a relaxing meditation.

Set your intentions – think about what you want to get from your nap whether restorative, or catching up on your Zzzzz’s.

There’s something to be said for some Mediterranean countries who officially recognise the benefits of a siesta. Can we petition the UK government to adopt this? I’m off for a nap now!

Regrets, I have a few, but wouldn’t change things for the world

I am sure that we can all think of an occasion we regret our action, or inaction. Did I achieve my career goals? Did I do that charity sky dive? What might have happened if….?

A dictionary definition of regret is the “sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair”; that feeling we may have had something more positive now if we had made different decisions in the past; feeling sorry for misfortunes, or disappointment over something we’ve failed to do. Regret can be considered a more negative feeling but the actions we choose following an emotion makes a difference to our long term wellbeing.

Dr Amy Silver suggested that regret can be something that holds us back but moving on is not being captive to our past, allowing the experiences of our past guide our future actions. Silver offers some ideas things we can do to help us move forward:

Recognise your feelings and let them out – exploring what’s going on in your head and heart, writing down what you are thinking and changing the language associated with that feeling e.g. angry, envious and so on.

Practice gratitude – understanding where we did and did not have control to learn from the experience. Instead of making a statement that shows regret like “I could have travelled the world” replacing it with “I’m grateful that I live in a world where there are many experiences still to have where I am”.

Consider what you really want or value – use the time when you feel hurt or sorrow about something in the past to remind yourself what really matters. If you feel you missed out on a promotion for example, it may be that you’ve recognised your need for growth, not necessarily that promotion.

Make regret productive – beating yourself up over something you had no control over is a waste of effort. Taking a closer look at your feelings and thinking about what you can do in the future would be a better use of time and effort.

Whether we reason away regret or not we should be accountable only for those things that are in our control. Regrets are opportunities to learn rather than get hung up on the “could haves” and “should haves”. That doesn’t mean that we should ignore our regrets, we are all fallible, but we should acknowledge that we make mistakes and ensure that we learn from them.

Attractive to bug bites

Well at least I’m attractive to something!

About three years ago, when visiting my sister, I suddenly became very shivery, tired and generally lethargic. The following day I had extremely itchy skin. So much so I just wanted to rip my skin off.

This went of for many days until my manager at the time insisted that I went to see some colleagues in dermatology to get something for the itching. They were very kind and gave me steroid creams to help with the itching and inflammation. It helped on a temporary basis but the unknown cause just didn’t seem to abate.

Fast forward two years of this and my GP eventually sends me to a specialist who basically diagnosed chronic urticaria with demographism. Essentially no one knew how it started what caused it, how to deal with it and how to cure it. “Maybe it’ll go away eventually”.

This is still going on and I take a daily dose of dihydrochloride and if I have a bad attack have to take double rations.

Since all this started I have become more susceptible to insect bites getting super infected. Something that never really happened previously.

A couple of summers ago whilst on holiday I got bitten by something just above my eye which swelled up like someone had punched me in the face. I ended up going to Boots and getting some stronger tablets.

Last week I was bitten by something on the side of my calf whilst out for my lunchtime walk. I didn’t really notice until late Friday when it really started to itch.

By Saturday my whole lower calf and ankle had ballooned. Everytime I walked it really hurt the calf muscle. I could see that the toxins had spread down my lower leg and around my ankle. In an effort not to amputate my own lower leg I took a triple dose of tablets which I’m not supposed to do really but it helped a bit.

Sunday, after a night’s rest it seemed much calmer. I walked to ringing and back by which time my ankle had swollen up a bit but not as much as the previous day. My calf muscle was still painful when I walked but not as bad as it was.

In another day or so it should have all gone down, if not I’ll have to get it looked at properly in case I need some antibiotics. I’ve tried to Google what kind of bite it may have been but it doesn’t look like any of the pictures.

For now I’ll just keep taking the pills.

Am I making a good impression?

Must admit, this is something that evades me at times. I have been told that I have a resting bitch face, and that a lot of people find me scary on first meeting me. There’s a number of reasons for that but I suppose the combination of those two things don’t make for a good first impression.

The Young Entrepreneur Council suggested 10 things that improve a first impression:

Smile, it makes people happier – something I’m not naturally good at.
Be present, give the other person 100 % of your attention, put the phone away and listen. I’m ok with that one.
Be on time, be respectful of other people’s time – I am usually the other way, I turn up super early for things, I like to make sure technology is working if it’s a virtual meeting, or get there in plenty of time, I would rather be hanging about that be a minute late.
Be authentic, be yourself – I am very much “what you see is what you get”. If I don’t agree with you, I’ll tell you, I don’t try to be something I’m not, it takes too much energy.
Make eye contact, stand your ground but also so the other person they have your attention – I try to do this as much as possible but sometimes it’s difficult. It can be a bit creepy or appear confrontational. I worked with someone once who barely even opened her eyes when she spoke, let along looked you in the eye. She used to do this weird fluttery thing (not in a flirty way) that I found intensely irritating.
Show confident body language, moving slowly and confidently shows you take yourself seriously and confidently – I think I’m generally confident in how I move.
Ask questions, this shows you’re listening – I do ask questions, sometimes those questions that everyone else is thinking but don’t want to ask in case it makes them look stupid, I’m not afraid of that.
Put your phone away, be present – This is one of my pet hates. When people constantly look at their phone during pre-arranged meetings, especially when they are the one who instigated the meeting. It’s just rude.
Show sincere interest, explore others’ uniqueness – I try really hard to explore people’s skills and knowledge, but also what they want and where they want to go. I will help people progress, much to my own detriment when they go off for a better role elsewhere, but I’m pleased to have helped them on their way.
Exude warmth, make someone feel warm and fuzzy when they’ve left. Exuding that feeling through being exceedingly kind, staying ultra-engaged in what the other person is saying and staying authentic, you will be seen as a trustworthy and all-around good person – I probably need to work on that one. Some people leave a meeting with me with more knowledge, or supported, or valued, but I know I’m known for not being particularly warm and fuzzy.

I know that I can be judgy of other people, although I’m trying hard not to be so judgy, and I know others’ are judging me. How do I make them judge me with a good impression?

How to cut your audio learning to half the time

I have mentioned before that I subscribe to a number of different podcasts and am one of those people who have to listen to it from the very first episode. However, I don’t actually have much time to listen. I have started to plug my phone in to my car to listen on the way to and from work, much better than inane commercial radio, and I listen when I go out for a lunchtime walk. The chances are I will never catch up. I’m not really the sort that can listen whilst working. When I listen, I want to listen.

In 2010 tech blog GigaOm suggested “speed-listening to podcasts” as an overall time-saving technique. This involved resetting the playback speed. I was new to podcasts and didn’t know that my podcast player had such a function until my daughter told me about it. She listens to podcasts and audio books all the time. I can’t recall if I figured out how to change the setting myself or just passed her the phone to do it. The upshot is now that I listen to things at 1.5 speed.

This makes for interesting listening. With some podcasts the narrator is slow talking so 1.5 times faster doesn’t actually sound that bad at all. Others, where the narrator talks quickly anyway, just sound like their rattling along and you barely have time to distinguish the words. The intro music and any adverts that are part of the podcast can sound quite distorted at that speed to which is a bit off putting, so just as well I found the Forward 30 Seconds button. I skip through all that to get back to the content. There are some apps that will actively cut out white noise, intros and outros as well. I don’t know if mine does that, I might have to hand it to my daughter to figure out!

Even at 1.5 speed I still won’t ever catch up with the number of episodes that are in my queue.

I had a bit of a clear out recently. There are podcasts that I’ve listened to for over a year now and to be honest, they are starting to sound a bit samey. There were others that I’d downloaded and only ever listened to one or two episodes so clearly, I was never overly bothered by then. I had also downloaded a load of episodes from podcasts on businessy type areas and have never got around to listening to those either, so they got removed. There were others that sounded like a good idea at the time, but I no longer feel the same about the content.

I have probably removed about half of the 300+ queued episodes. Still a lot to get through.

Are you listening?

I used to have a manager who never really listened to what I was saying, he had an agenda, he had other people and departments to worry about and I was one of his least troublesome people so he would often talk about the others in our one to ones rather than listening to anything I had to say. It used to infuriate me that my one to ones were spent talking about other people. That was when he even turned up for them, often he didn’t, and didn’t even offer an apology let alone rearrange it.

I am aware that sometimes I can interrupt people when they are talking, usually because I have an example to share, or can see where it’s going so move the conversation on by making them aware that I understand what they’re talking about. As I am aware of this, it is something I try to stop myself from doing. When I catch myself I stop talking and apologise for interrupting.

We all like to think that we’re a good listener, but are we really? We might hear what someone is saying but are we actually listening to the words, the intonation, the timbre? So much more can be gleaned by fully listening to what and how something is being said.

Listening to others helps build trust, connects us, helps us to understand the people and world around us. How do we become a better listener?

Nidhi Kush Shah suggests some phrases that may help:

“Thank you for sharing that…” – it can take courage and trust for people to talk and open up to us so we should thank them for putting their trust in us.

“Tell me more / please elaborate” –we should use this to encourage a deeper exploration of the conversation, it shows that we are genuinely interested in finding out more.

“Let me see if I am clear…” – this gives us the chance to paraphrase and add our own interpretation and allows the other person to know that we understand, or provide them a change to add or amend their story.

“What I like about your idea is…” – again repeating what the other person said shows them that you are listening and offers support.

“Can I interrupt / ask a question…” – some people are not concise or well-articulated. When we want to move a conversation along its ok to use this kind of interruption so long as it’s in a way that is empathetic and respectful.

Being a good listener is a skill that most of us could probably do better at. I know I could.

“Thanks for the Feedback”

One of the best ways to learn is from feedback from others but it is useful to get the right feedback from the right people at the right time.

That’s not to say only as for feedback from those you know will give you a glowing report. We need to invite those with whom we have had less favourable experiences with. The most useful feedback is from those who work most closely with you; those who can actually observe your behaviour frequently.

A few years ago as part of my Masters I had to do a 360 degree feedback session. I invited several of my peers to give feedback, and that included someone, senior to me, who I thought I had a difficult relationship with. I wanted to explore that more and find out whether my perception of our relationship was the same as hers. To my surprise, she gave me really constructive, glowing feedback and even said that she was in awe of me. This from someone I thought had it all together and was the most capable person I could imagine. When I explained that I had invited her to participate as I felt that we didn’t have the best working relationship she was totally shocked. She felt that we got on really well and that as someone who reported in to her on certain tasks, I was the most reliable, capable person within the team. From that moment on, my relationship with her only go better. It is important though, that those who participate in giving feedback are encouraged to do so honestly and openly.

When asking for open, honest feedback we need to be open to the results. We might not always like what we see. It can be too easy to become defensive or discount the negative comments. It is worth noting though about how much value you place on that person’s opinion. You may have invited them to provide feedback, but are they the person who has most influence, or the person that you really need to get on side? After some negative feedback I received once, I shared it with a trusted colleague who asked me how much I needed to value that person’s view. It is after all just one person’s view and should be taken alongside everyone else’s and not be given more credence over the majority view that you get back from everyone.

The whole point of getting the feedback is to learn from it and decide what, if anything needs to be changed for the better and what you need to carry on doing. Picking out themes will help overcome the tendency to dwell on one comment. Get the general vibe from all responses rather than stick to one.

Then of course, you need to put this learning into action. Developing an action plan to help address some of the areas that need more work helps you understand your impact it has on others and what it means for you to become effective. Then plans need to be communicated with others, you might need buy in for your own line manager, or authorisation to attend a course. Monitoring progress and asking for further feedback along the way is also useful so that you and others can see progression.

One of the best books I’ve read on the subject of feedback is called Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. I read it shortly after a disastrous confrontation which, had I been less self-aware, may have resulted in me walking out. From it I developed an action plan to feedback to the person I had the confrontation with. I knew I had to do things differently, but so did they. The way they had treated and tried to humiliate me in front of others was unacceptable.

I ended up with a sheet of A4 with three columns:

How you made me feel
What I’m going to do
What you’re going to do

This particular person was very big on feelings; that you can’t change how someone felt about something. I told her exactly how she made me feel, warts and all. I admitted that there were things I could have done better and I listed some of those, they also included things like not being taken for granted anymore and not putting up with poor senior leadership. Then I shared with her a list of things that I thought she ought to do differently. Again, she was keen on the phrase “if you want a different outcome, you need a different input”, something she tried to apply to other people, just not herself. She was truly shocked. I think partly because I dared to suggest that she had also been in the wrong, but also I just don’t think she realised the impact that she’d had.

I came out of that situation a much stronger person. I lost all respect for her as my senior and did what I had to do to get by, but as soon as the opportunity arose, I moved into another area so I did not have to have anything further to do with her.

Feedback is useful to help identify our Blind Self, the areas that we don’t know about ourselves but others do, and can support a plan to move towards our Open Self, the area that both you and others know about you.

How do you engage with the unengagable?

That million dollar question all leaders want the magic answer to.

I’ve done many a course and read many a book or article on how we should be engaging with people to get the most out of them and provide them with job/participation satisfaction. We are told that we should include them in decision making, regularly communicate with them, and invite them to participate in projects that will allow them to share their expertise and grow their skills. We should be empowering them to make decisions. We are reminded that a disengaged team can cause a drop in morale and performance and be disruptive. https://jouta.com/blog/how-to-re-engage-a-disengaged-employee/

But there are some who just don’t want to be engaged with. They want to be valued, they want to be appreciated and for their efforts to be noticed. They want reward for doing a good job (some even want reward for doing an adequate or poor job, or for simply turning up at all). They want to feel listened to and communicated with. They want to be involved. That is, right up until the time when you invite them to be involved.

One thing I struggle with time and again is trying to get people to look wider than the work that is right in front of them, especially when they tell me that they are not happy, or feel undervalued. I invite them to participate; I offer courses that support their current role and any development they might want. I provide them with opportunities to use their knowledge and skills and to develop processes and procedures or plans that they will ultimately be responsible for. I provide open door opportunities to share ideas and talk freely.

But they just don’t want to play.

I’m not the sort to press gang unless absolutely necessary, I ask for volunteers. There are times when I have had to say “you and you are going to help with this” but I want to see who has a spark, who is interested, and who wants to be involved. I shouldn’t be the one suggesting all the process changes; I’m not doing the job. I can see opportunities to improve efficiency or process, but ultimately they have to own and be accountable for it, so it makes sense that they help develop it.

We are reminded that people respond positively when they are empowered to make choices and decisions for themselves, yet when they are given the opportunity they don’t want to take it. Figuring out what matters to them and how to spread positive stories, exchange ideas openly, and disseminate best practice is all well and good but only works when morale is already high and people are generally happier. https://www.achievers.com/blog/how-to-convert-a-disengaged-employee-into-an-engaged-one/ In this current climate, that’s really hard to do in a virtual world.

I think it also depends on the example they are given. Enthusiasm breads enthusiasm, contempt breads contempt. I try to be as upbeat as I can and to understand frustrations others are going through trying to deliver their piece of work or part of the project. I acknowledge that not everything can be done as perfectly as we might want it to be and sometimes corners might need to be cut in order to meet a more pressing need. I understand that there are often outside pressures that affect how motivated they feel. However, there are usually others in closer relationships that seem predetermined to be pessimistic about everything. Everything is a disaster, it’s not their fault, and it’s nothing to do with them, they are not responsible or accountable. That kind of vibe tends to spread like wildfire and before you know it most of the team is feeling down. They don’t realise that they vibe they are giving off is affecting how others feel and then it spirals.

I know that it’s extremely hard to eternally upbeat about everything all the time, it would be exhausting, and I certainly have my days when I’m not motivated or interested at all. But if I want a more optimistic team around and people to be more engaged, then it’s my responsibility as a leader to start that vibe, or to find help when I need it. If I can change one person’s attitude, which can then spread to someone else, I’d be happy.

I want people to develop, I want them to be fulfilled in what they do, be satisfied at the end of the day they did all they could to use their strengths. I want them to feel they have all the information they need about what’s going on in their immediate and wider world. I want all these things for them and provide opportunities for that. They just don’t seem interested in taking it. People complain about lack of development, I give them the opportunity to develop, they don’t want to take it. They complain about not knowing what’s going on, so I tell them but then they don’t listen or connect the dots with the relevance to them. I need to make more of an effort to ensure the message is put across in a ways that does demonstrate relevance to them.

Whilst it would be great to have one to ones with absolutely every person to determine what motivates them and how they could be better developed, communicated with etc, the practicalities are not so simple. It might be that I wouldn’t need to do that with everyone, just take a few key people to one side and address their motivations, then through the wonders of osmosis everyone else will feel more engaged and valued.

Reflecting on some of the reasons why previous attempts to engage others hasn’t worked it is useful to consider these questions:

Who in my team have I connected with the least? what gets in the way of connecting with them more?
Think about the people I connect with the least in my team, service users and peer group, and notice any similarities.
Think about who in my team I enjoy connecting with and why?
Think about those who I feel psychologically safe around and why? and those who I do not and why?. What are the differential factors?

There are many tools to try but I still don’t have a solution for how to engage the unengagable.