Sitting with adversity

I’ve just completed a free, online 6 week course in Demystifying Mindfulness course via Future Learn (www.furturelearn.com). The course covered the “science of mindfulness, how it works and why from a political, psychological and philosophical perspective”. Throughout the course were a series of Mindfulness Labs, opportunities to practice a meditation technique. Something not so long ago I would have said was nonsense. One of the ones that resonated with me most was the one on Sitting with Adversity.

Usually throughout a meditation the participant is encouraged to let go of thoughts and feelings and concentrate on breath or sounds. In this particular one though we were actively encouraged to invite a difficult situation, thought or feeling and to acknowledge its existence, to sit alongside it, before considering “each in breath a new beginning and each out breath a letting go”.

So many situations to choose from. I may well have to come back to this meditation several times to get through them all. However, at the end of the 15 minutes or so, I felt much calmer about the situation I had been thinking about. I chose to lessen its hold over me and consider what was within my personal means of being able to do about it. In the end, I chose to let it be what it will be.

Even coming to terms with that simple statement of letting something be what it will be and making a conscious decision to not let it affect me in the way it had been, was enough to lighten to load.

I have done several short courses via Future Learn and would thoroughly recommend it as a way of broadening horizons and dipping into something before deciding whether or not its something you want to pursue further.

Let me eat cake

I follow multiple cake bakers social media in an attempt to get ideas on future cake designs and to see what the latest trend is.

Trouble is, there are so many beautiful designs and styles that every time I see a photo I think “oh that’s nice” then 2 seconds later see another one and “oh thats nice too”. To the point where its actually quite confusing now.

Apart from the fact that no one is needing cake made right now, I might not be able to get supplies in and I’ll have to make do with what I’ve got. I suppose I could order stuff in but as I can’t decide what to do, I don’t know what to order.

If I made a cake just for my own pleasure, I have my favourite colour scheme and think I would probably make something with some classic flowers on. I have some annual leave so will have the time to make them. I’m thinking a large peony and some roses and fillers. I have a tonne of new sprinkles to try out too so it would be good to incorporate them as well.

There’s Valentines Day, mine and C’s birthdays and our wedding anniversary coming up so maybe time to have a play.

I do find cake decorating quite therapeutic as you have to concentrate on what you’re doing. Its all absorbing. And of course there’s a reward at the end of it. I just have to make the time.

Is it too pretentious to make myself a cake?

The importance of nothing

Life can be so full on sometimes. Even having a week off work doesn’t really give you the rest you sometimes need. I’ve written loads, researched loads, rung loads and had several meetings during my week off so I really haven’t felt any restorative benefit.

Today though, we had nowhere to be and nothing to do. C turned the alarm clock off so we woke up naturally and didn’t actually get out of bed until nearly 10am, which is unheard of. Some might say that that’s wasting so much of the day, but waking up naturally actually made me feel more awake and alert than being ripped from slumber by a screeching radio alarm.

Saturdays have seem to have got a new ritual of bacon butties for breakfast. C cooks them whilst I’m in the shower so its ready, with my coffee, when I’m dressed and ready to face the world. So grateful for that.

Both of us then just sat for a while, reading or catching up with social media. No need to rush.

We had no reason to go into town for anything and as we’d had a late breakfast didn’t feel the need for lunch.

I did do some food prep for breakfasts and lunches for the working week ahead as Sunday is full of ringing, family Skype and virtual meetings as well as the weekly ironing fun. But once that was all finished, I could get comfy on the sofa and read.

Haven’t spent so much time dedicated to just reading for ages. A cup of mint tea with the last slice of winter spice cake made it all a bit hygge. Both of us just sat on the sofa reading. For hours. No other distractions of TV or radio. Blissful.

Some might suggest that a day was wasted and we should have done some exercise or something more constructive with our day, but I actually feel more awake and positive having taken some time to just be.

It probably helped that the book I was reading, not one of the e-shorts I had intended to, was talking about quietening inner critics and self sabotage. It was helping me understand the ways to silence the inner brain chatter and believe that I’m good enough, when so much that has been going on lately has left me feeling totally inadequate.

Benefits of doing nothing include being mentally stronger and more compassionate by having opportunities to delve deeper into innermost feelings and convictions. It helps relieve stress and help you become more rested, happier, productive, creative and allows your brain to reboot by letting thoughts settle.

My step count for the day is hardly going to break the 1000 mark but it doesn’t matter for one day. Self healing and restoration was what was needed today and I’m glad to have given it space in my life.

Surround sound

How often do we get an opportunity to just sit and listen, I mean REALLY listen to the sounds around us?

Both C and I were sat out our respective desks in the study, going about our business when it suddenly hit my ears there there was silence. Neither of us were speaking. At the time neither of us was hammering our keyboards or frantically clicking a mouse. But then I noticed the non-silence which actually became quite loud.

I could hear the birds twittering in the back garden, as clear as a bell. The hum from the fan on C’s PC, continual hum. The wall clock ticking, so loudly too that it beggers belief that sometimes you barely notice it at all. There was an occasional mouse click as one or other of us scrolled up whatever it was we were reading on the screen. There was a throat clearing after a glug of water. There was a chair squeaking under the pressure of shifting weight. There was an airplane outside on its way to, or from, who knows where. There was pen scratching on paper as I was making notes. There was a belly rumble and an over emphasised exhalation.

Within the space of somewhere between 5 to 10 minutes there were all these sounds surrounding me, but there was silence. Peaceful, gratifying, restorative. All of these amazing sounds that I might have missed had the radio in the kitchen been on, or had I been hammering away at documents or emails, or people talking.

Silence can provide us with so many benefits if we choose to allow them into our lives.

It can allow us to concentrate and focus, which apparently can be lost if the sound is over 80 decibels. Obviously the writer of that point has never been to a #bellringing practice where concentration is required despite the noise of the bells.

It can allow our minds to be more creative. Some eminent scientists did their best creative work after a period of solitude and quietness.

It can allow us to discover how we may improve our lives when attention is given to self awareness practices. Taking time to self reflect can help figure out what and where we want to be.

It can help relax us and reduce stress levels if we allow a period of silence.

It can affect our ability to learn. The more noise we are exposed to the worse we perform and find it harder to concentrate.

Doing nothing and remaining silent can increase productivity of new brain cells, which in turn supports greater productivity as much as tenfold.

Silence can help cultivate calmness and peacefulness when you regularly practice silence and patience.

If you are able to, I invite you to sit somewhere comfortable and just be silent for even just a few moments. Make a note of all the things that you can hear in the silence. You’ll be surprised how much surround sound there is.

The 6 Domains of Resilience

The #MSEBUDDYNETWORK I’m part of at work is a great resource for being able to support colleagues who just feel that they need someone to listen to them, for somewhere safe to spout off, or to just reflect and recoup.

There have been some great resources shared throughout the programme and another such example was shared yesterday. Available via the NHS Leadership Academy (through whom I did my Elizabeth Garrett Anderson Senior Healthcare Leadership MSc) are some bite size learning snippets around health and wellbeing conversations specially focusing on resilience.

The resource was developed by Sonya Wallbank, a clinical psychologist and organisational development lead. It is broken down into 6 dimensions covering Vision, Reasoning, Adaptability, Responses, Health and Relationships. Each dimension then goes on to explain its impact and offers suggestions to think about how we could focus our energies into improving them.

The resource is there to support facilitators of conversations and can be applied to your own experiences as well as used as a template to help others. My personal opinion is that we should not expect to help others where we cannot help ourselves first, so for me to support anyone else, I need to understand my own experience.

VISION: This is about setting personal goals and values and understanding why we do what we do and helping shift our anxieties and concerns into hope and curiosity. The questions posed are about asking yourself what you believe is your purpose in life, whether you are engaged in activities that bring out the best in you and inspire you, and what are your goals and how could you get nearer to them.

REASONING: This is our ability to problem solve, be resourceful and anticipate and plan for things and our reactions to set backs. The ask is to reflect on how you react to change in plans, what you need to be able to cope better with change or difficult circumstances, and how you could plan for a range of different potential scenaios.

ADAPTABILITY: Considering our ability to bounce back, be realistically optimistic and flexible about expectations and acceptance of change. You might need to consider how you adapt to last minute changes of plans, how to say “no” or “I could do that if…” instead of saying “yes“, and what could you achieve if you had a bit of extra help.

RESPONSES: How do we react emotionally, psychologically and biologically, to what’s going on around us. What are the things that you are worried about that you could do something about, what are the things that are outside of your control, do you need extra help to get you through this response?

HEALTH: How we feel plays a major part, how are we physically, financially and environmentally. Are there simple changes to lifestyle that could help, do you need help with controlling finances, are you OK in your work or home space?

RELATIONSHIPS: Our culture, team and other relationships all contribute to our resilience. Is there anything that leaders or colleagues could do to help make you feel safer in sharing ideas or opinions, where can you get support outside of your team, what networks and communities do you connect with and what will enable you to thrive.

Another great resource that enables us to help others. But as I said, in order to help others I need to be able to understand my own responses, so I’ll have a sit down and think.

Sunday rituals

Rituals are good for giving us the power to keep us grounded, stabilised and focused. They can provide a sense of confidence and security and can help alleviate grief and stress and can increase happiness. Doing things on a regular basis gives us a sense of familiarity in a world when there is so much going on around us.

Sundays in this house is very ritualistic. Fortunately for the two of us we can still go #bellringing on our own, so up and out first thing. When we get back home we split the chores. Something we agreed from the start is that I would either cook Sunday lunch or do the ironing but not both. He picked cooking so I get landed with the ironing.

Ironing is not my favourite pastime so I need some distraction in order to get through it. Generally this comes in the form of a vat of coffee, using a huge mug I’ve had for years. Because I don’t have breakfasts on Sundays by the time we get home from ringing I’m hungry, so have a snack of some sort with my coffee.

Then I’ll put a film or Netflix series on so that I can watch that whilst I’m ironing but it can’t be anything that requires too much concentration otherwise I’d burn his shirts. He’s busy cooking a Sunday roast by this point.

Then, after lunch I prepare my breakfasts and lunches for the working week ahead. This week I’ve made Biscoff pancakes for breakfasts 😋 and I’ll have ham rolls for lunch.

Every other week we have a family Skype and catch up with everyone, and sometimes I have either a meeting or virtual #bellringing session in the early evening.

Then its time to settle down. Often we’ll have cheese and crackers for supper, sometimes accompanied by a glass of Baileys. There’s usually a dodgy old film or TV show on that we’ll settle in to before wrapping myself in my sofa blanket and having a nap.

The simple pleasures in life and the familiarity of ritual allows me to rest and recover ready for the week ahead. Once I’m under my sofa blanket, do not disturb!

Life expectancy

Out of the list of suggestions that were offered when I asked for ideas about things to do before I hit 50, one of them was to do a life expectancy test, then see how many years have you got left and write down five things you’d really like to do in that time. This isn’t something to be morbid about, rather that it should inspire you to do other things.

Obviously there’s no real science behind something that only asks about 10 questions about your age, gender, health and status. According to my age, height, weight, marital status, income and ethnicity on the particular online test I found, I should be expected to have an estimated life expectancy of 87 years, with a 75% chance that I’ll live until I’m 79. The site then gives suggestions on how to increase life expectancy with more exercise, less drinking, and how to put financial matters in order to fund retirement.

So part 2 pf the suggestion then was to come up with 5 things to do in that time. Some of the other suggestions I received could come in handy here.

Pay anonymously for a strangers coffee. Capture a moment every day in a photo or painting. Take photos of strangers and find out their story. Send a message in a bottle. Put £5 in a place for someone random to find. Write and post a handwritten letter to yor child. Take photos of 10 favourite corners of the house. Pick a random novel, read the first paragraph then do something triggered by those words. Try an alternative therapy like rieki or reflexology. Amongst others.

These all seem eminently doable so I shall tick some of the off. For starters, here’s a photo of one of my 10 favourite corners in my house.

Start as you mean to go on

New Years Day morning. A new year ahead that hasn’t been written yet. C made a cooked brunch. I could get used to that 😋.

This year will mark a significant birthday for me. The day this blog is uploaded will mark 50 days until I turn 50. I don’t have any issues with turning 50, it is but a number after all.

The 12 months before I turned 40 I kept a daily diary. I did think of doing something similar for the year that I turned 50 but somehow never got round to it. I guess you could say that I’ve used this blog as a sort of diary, although there’s lots that I haven’t written in a blog that I would have written in a diary.

Starting a new year and a new decade of life gives me the opportunity to start afresh and start as I mean to go on. I could get used to C cooking me breakfast every day but thats not practical or too good for my health. I could take this opportunity to establish some new habits. Start or do more of the things that I ought to do better and drop things that I should not, do less of or that self sabotage.

I read somewhere on line recently that it can take from 18 to 254 days to form a new habit and an average of 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic. Now, I’m not one for New Years resolutions, but I have 50 days to do 50 things that will have a positive habit forming effect on my life to take me into my 50s.

Where to start? Drop me some suggestions 👇

Back in my happy place

Been back in the kitchen, getting my bake on. Haven’t baked anything for a week or two for various reasons, so it was great to be back in my happy place after a particularly difficult week.

Fortunately my BakedIn box arrived, so that avoided any difficulty decisions having to be made.

I’ve never made butterscotch before. It does warn you in the recipe card that it will be hot, but that didn’t stop me sticking my finger in it for a taste 😋

How long do you think is a polite length of time to wait before scoffing some? Quite frankly, I’d happily tuck in now but C is busy putting together my new desk and chair for the study, and we need to go up the tip to get rid of all the stuff we’ve decided to chuck out during the clear up to make space for said desk, and we haven’t had lunch yet. Maybe it’ll have to wait a bit until afternoon tea time.

I had thought at one time, reasonably seriously, about going into a baking business, or having a little tea shop and selling homemade cakes. Trouble with that is, you have to have the space and facilities to meet all the necessary food hygiene and safety requirements, and actually doing it all would take too much of my personal time up, which would impact on my #bellringing time. I do make the odd cake for friends and family, and I have been commissioned in the past to make cakes for a fee, but I do it very much on my terms. If I’m not “feeling” it or I simply don’t want to, I will say no. I make cakes because I want to, not because I have to, in order to make a living. I absolutely applaud those who have turned their hobby into a business and if I wasn’t so consumed by #bellringing, maybe I’d think a bit harder about it. But for now, I’m happy making simple things to enjoy.

I wonder what my grandad would make of it. I used to love watching him mix a cake together without weighing anything, just by feel. He was a master Baker in his day, and didn’t bat an eyelid at making my sister’s wedding cake, including the Royal icing from scratch, in my mum’s kitchen. I sat round the table watching him work.

I wonder whether that was an early influence on me. My first full time job out of school was as a cream finisher in a bakery, putting all the finishing touches to cakes, doughnuts and all sorts of yummies. I’ve always said that if I did set up my own cake business that I would name it after him. Duffell’s Cakery. And the logo would be a side profile of his face in ginger to reflect the colour of his moustache.

We would have had fun in the kitchen together.

Therapeutic baking

Spent the day on a cake course learning how to make cakcicles and heart gems.

I’ve been to several courses run by this person. It’s always a great experience. She had been very thorough with regard to Covid precautions so I felt reassured that there was nothing to worry about there.

The classes are always informative, friendly and relaxed. For me, attending these courses gives me some me time, some space and time to focus on something else. And the great thing is you get cake at the end of it. What’s not to love?

There were only 2 students, the third had cancelled last minute. Everything was prepped, weighed out and tools ready. Nothing rushed. Colouring and sprinkles options chosen. Chocolate tempered, moulds filled, chilled and decorated. Plenty of time to chat and get to know yhe other student.

Thoroughly enjoyed my bit of me time. Even the hour long drive there and back.