1 Question to ask when you’re in the in-between

The in-between is where your identity has not yet caught up with your reality you’ve created. To keep up you need to continually back and forth where you identity shifts a little bit then you shift and create results but someone in us is the old identity so we take a few steps back into the familiar. This can be associated to any kind of change: financially, personal growth, weight, whatever. To achieve success at it you need to practice new thoughts and feelings about creating new ways. You need to become that person on the inside in order to become that person on the outside.

Podcast fave Tonya Leigh suggested this doesn’t happen overnight and we’re often in a hurry to make want those changes overnight. It takes practice and sometimes years before you finally get to the point where its integrated enough and its now just who you are.

We self-sabotage by running through those doubting questions in our heads “what if it’s too good to be true?”, “what if I can’t keep this up”? “who do you think you are”? “Its too hard”, “you look silly”. You need to be so committed to your change to be able to keep moving through those doubts if you want to continue to grow and evolve and see what you’re capable of. The pay-off is this awkward in-between stage.

The hardest part of the in-between is the discomfort of letting go of an old identity. TL suggested imagining you have two lines, one above the other, you are at the bottom line right now, but as you start to go towards to top line there’s a space in between. The closer you get to the new identity the more uncomfortable it gets and the tendency is to want to revert to what’s familiar. Muster up the courage to keep going towards that top line. The question that TL poses to people in that in-between space is:

“What would my most expansive self do right now?”

If you want to continue to grow and evolve it will require that you stop contracting your energy. When you’re in the in-between you’ll experience periods of both growth and contraction but when you feel yourself contracting ask yourself that question.

Go to the place of where you want to be and practice being that person, expansive version of yourself. If you think something long enough and feel something often enough and do things to reinforce it eventually that will become your new norm; that upper line TL talked about. You get good at what you practice most.

What do you want to get good at and are you practicing it? Are you willing to wade through the in-between of letting go of old identities and practicing the new ones to the point where it becomes normal.

Know that when you’re feeling awkward and have those two voices battling it out over whether you’re being a fraud or whether you’ve got this and to keep going, remember you get to choose which one to listen to.

Know that this in-between feeling is a normal part of the process. Nothing has gone wrong when you’re having a sort of identity crisis, it is part of the process of change. Be courageous enough to walk through it.

How one sentence can change your life

Whether we recognise it or not, we all need and use mentors and coaches that we can look up to who have travelled that path we are on now. We might not recognise someone in that role “officially” but every time we have a conversation with someone, and we ask questions, or for advice, the other person is mentoring or coaching. You probably have many people who have inspired you, or you’ve learned from, or someone who has had an impact on you.

For anyone who has delved into the world of personal development, you can often look for more “official” role models. It could be a colleague or work based mentoring scheme, or through the world of personal development and life coaching. There are hundreds of them out there ready to help. But how do you know which one to approach? It’s going to cost you money and you want to make sure you get value for that. You need to feel comfortable with them as going through the process can leave you feeling quite vulnerable.

I spent time with one person and all she said every time I asked a question or for advice was, “what would you tell someone else if they asked that question?” That’s not helpful if you’re searching for those answers yourself. Someone else’s story is different to your so it doesn’t necessarily translate. If I knew what to tell someone else, I wouldn’t be asking the question myself, would I? Thankfully, I wasn’t paying for this particular pearl of wisdom, and I’ve not been back since to that particular person.

We can often feel guilty for investing in our own growth and so far, I’ve not spent real money on it, but I am curious about it. I saw something recently on LinkedIn which sounded really fun. It was a group for women for fun and fascinating conversations in and around London, with events hosted at some truly stunning locations. I was really tempted, it sounded like fun and a good opportunity for networking and to experience different things. But something held me back. The cost actually wasn’t that extravagant: £20 per month or £220 for the year for which you get exclusive access to the podcast, the online community and networking and so on. Obviously there was a cost of attending an event on top of that, but factor in the glitz and glamour of attending an intimate supper in one of London’s most gorgeous venues, drinks nights, or bespoke evenings like wine tastings, book clubs, walks and talks. It all sounded like a fun thing to do, to experience. What was really holding me back was two things:

Would I fit in with this group of people? My lifestyle is so very different at the moment. Would I look and sound like an idiot around these, presumably very cultured and clever people?
Could I justify the expense? It’s not much, but without being able to see exactly what I’d be getting for my money, I don’t know whether it would be worth the investment, and what I’d truly get out of it.

But surely if I don’t try, how will I ever know? It’s a bit like mentoring and coaching, until you try with someone, you’ll never know if it’ll work for you or not.

Now, I’ve also had some great work based coaches. Two stand out. One I’d never met before and knew nothing about, who was very much senior to me, who was willing to meet with me over a coffee and chat about my future. She carefully explored how I thought my career was going, and I do remember one particular piece of advice she gave me “when you go for an interview, wear some sexy undies, it’ll make you feel really special, and you’ll hold yourself completely differently”. I’ve never actually put that to the test, but I can see her point. The second coach I’ve had experience with was someone I know of, not necessarily very well, but we have mixed in work circles before. She knew more about my situation and pushed a bit harder at the “what do you really want?” thoughts. This really helped me galvanise my own plans. She never told me what I should do, she asked how various things made me feel, and asked me to explore my feelings around the various options that were open to me. It was a very soft and gentle approach but had some hard hitting lessons behind it.

So, I’m currently flitting between what should be my next self-development step with coaching or mentoring. Again, I need to look at where I want to be in life and what things do I want to experience. Should I invest at least one £20 monthly fee in this London club and dip my toe in the water to see if it’s the right fit? I know only I can answer that question.

When you start to investigate life coaches, you’ll see they charge £thousand’s for their efforts. I recognise that’s due to their expertise and knowledge in this area, but can it really be value for money? Obviously, they would claim it is and all the intangible results you’ll benefit from along the way.

But they might just have that one sentence that could make a world of difference.

Transformation doesn’t happen overnight

I remember a former Director of mine having a go at me for not being an instant success at leadership when I’d only been on the course for a few weeks of the year long programme. I asked how did she expect me to be expert at it after only a few weeks and that it would take time for new learning to seep in and become second nature.

You’ll know if you read my blogs regularly that I am on a journey of self-discovery and improvement and that I am trying to navigate my way to becoming an improved version. I’ve been on this journey for a few months now, and I have noticed a few things changing. Most noticeably, my emotional responses to events and people and my expectations of others. But again, this is something that hasn’t happened overnight and that I still have to work at as it’s not yet second nature.

Julian Hayes offered five must-do steps for a successful personal transformation:

Find your why – your why ignites your spirits, giving you motivation to chase your goal, to go in search of an improved version of you.
Get guidance – it would be difficult to navigate all this on your own, so seek guidance to avoid being led astray and avoid or diminish setbacks that can be demotivating. Ask for help in becoming who you want to be or getting where you want to go. Save yourself time and trouble by benefiting from those who went before you. Choose from resources such as mentors who have done a similar thing, a community that can give you support, books, tutorials etc that provide wisdom and knowledge.
Leave your comfort zone – learning about yourself can be uncomfortable as you start to face some home truths, expand your mind set and skills. You don’t have to make gigantic leaps though, but start with incremental steps and daily improvements. Improving 1% each day has a big impact months and years down the line if you are able to stick with it. Challenge yourself every day and reflect on how far you’ve come.
Trust the process – overnight success doesn’t happen. We don’t tend to hear about the years and years of hard slog behind the scenes that get us to even the first rung of the ladder. The process shouldn’t be rushed, it can be messy and may not proceed in the direction you first thought or hoped for. Think of the longer term success, which happens through consistency, daily habits, repetition, time and patience.
Choose yourself – If you don’t believe in yourself how do you expect others to? Be your biggest fan, value yourself. When you’re trying to transform yourself, own it and claim whatever it is you’re going after. Fear of failure is often a deterrent to people chasing their goes, but failure only is only failure when you give up.

I’ve found guidance in a number of areas. You’ll know that I’m currently listening my way through Tonya Leigh’s podcast back catalogue. I also starting reading appropriate magazines and books like Psychologies Magazine, Platinum etc.

I have discovered things about myself that I’m not so proud of and I’m working hard to improve them. I’m more considered when I speak with others, but I’m also still shut down and not saying my piece in some scenarios. I’ve been at this for several months now and I’m seeing glimmers of change but it’s still very much a work in progress and I’m always open to advice, comment and feedback (even if I may not like it) and even coaching.

I have become less bothered by what people say or think and try to tell me that’s their business not mine. Whilst not going out of my way to antagonise, should it happen, it’s a result of others’ responses and that’s up to them to be able to handle. I don’t have to take feeling I’m the bad person all the time especially when that’s not the intention.

So, what have you noticed change in me? What do you think I still need to work on?

10 Life lessons learned

Podcast fave Tonya Leigh has been talking about learning life lessons from her early years as a pageant princess and how they translate to her life in adulthood. She suggested:

Following your dreams is uncomfortable. It takes practice to break through event when we’re scared, trying to hold it together. Practice and hard work pays off eventually. We procrastinate and divert ourselves because it’s uncomfortable to go after our dreams. Instead of shrinking from emotions, feel them, show up and do it anyway.
People will judge you. Make peace with it. People are always going to judge or compare you with others or themselves. You get to be a winner despite what others think. To avoid judgement you’d need to lock yourself away and never come out, but then someone would judge you for doing that too. Expect to be judged, that way you won’t be caught off guard. Their judgement says more about them than it does about you. What you think of you is what you should be more concerned with.
You will fail. Along that journey you will meet amazing people and learn more about yourself by continuing to get back out there. Ask what you failed at this week. Avoid getting cosy with only the things you succeeded at, but be comfortable with failure and what you learn from it.
Allow yourself to shine. Whether it’s on stage, in the kitchen or at the office, notice where your heart comes alive and have the courage to stand in your spotlight, even if you knees are shaking.
People may leave – let them go. Over time we lose friends but don’t let them stop you from doing the things you love. Don’t let that stop you doing your best. You don’t need to apologise for being you. Don’t dull your shine in order to fit in to be accepted. New faces will arrive that support you. Those who truly love you will stick by you and those that only love a version of you that you no longer want to be, will leave.
Be a queen and surround yourself with other queens. Stand tall and be proud of where you are. If you surround yourself with other queens, you won’t be in competition with each other because you’re all wearing a crown. Cheer each other on, call each other for support, enjoy being together. Believe in yourself, show up. It’s hard to find others who don’t feel the need to compete, who cheer each other on, who are supportive, focus on living a well lived life, who are like minded.
Miss Congeniality never wins. Being the nice girl, in with the in crown is hard work. Thinking that in order to be successful, people have to like you is not healthy. The reality of it is you can’t be effective if you’re struggling between your values and whether you’re like or not. Stop trying to win Miss Congeniality to serve yourself and others, start being Miss You. People will always challenge and disagree with what you’re doing. Be kind but don’t be nice to your own demise. Be true to yourself.
Jealousy and envy are toxic. Harbouring envy only hurts you. Learning from your jealousy can inspire you. If you’re jealous of who or what someone else is, learn from them. There’s nothing wrong with feeling envious but don’t let it tear you or the other person apart just to make you feel better. Look at what they are showing you that you want in your life, investigate where you’re holding yourself back, go out and get it. If you’re on the receiving end of jealousy it’s not about you. You’ve just triggered a deep desire in someone else. Extend compassion to those who are envious of you.
There’s more than enough success to go around. Another person’s success does not take away from yours. If we see someone else’s success we’re more likely to feel excited by it and inspired by it. Don’t use someone else’s success to play the victim in your own life. Celebrate others’ successes with them and see how it transforms your own life. What you throw out comes back. Don’t use your success to feel guilty. Be proud of yourself and what you’ve created. You did the hard work, felt uncomfortable, overcame setbacks and self-doubt, showed up and took action.
Your essence is everything. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or who is paying for your education, your essence is what owns your space with confidence and a head held high. Who you are being more important than what you’re wearing or doing.

I often worry about people judging me, but then I do fall into the trap of judging others. I am more conscious of when that happens now and try to stop myself before I say anything. I am better at recognising that judging someone can be hurtful.

I am not very good at shining. Someone once said to me that I inspired them. My imposter syndrome made me want to curl up and die. There’s nothing I do or say that could possible inspire anyone. I’m not that important, or clever.

I have let people go who no longer align with my values.

I do occasionally get jealous of other people, but then I try to remember they are only showing you the best version of themselves, the edited highlights. You don’t get to see the pain, emotion, financial issues or things they had to struggle with to get to where they are. I try to celebrate other people’s successes as much as possible and be happy for others achieve. I don’t think anyone has ever had cause to be jealous of me but I would hope that if I identified that, I would not be smug about it and show some humility.

I occasionally get praise for something but I find the whole thing embarrassing and usually shrug it off with “I’m just doing my job”. There are things that I’m proud of that I’ve achieved, but had it been someone else, I’d have been equally proud of them for doing it.

I am going through this whole journey of self-discovery, and still get things wrong sometimes. I am trying to own my space, be confident and hold my head up.

Which of these was hardest for you? Which one do you want to focus on practicing?

Things that are just not worth your time

We waste so much time on things that don’t bring joy and value to our lives. That don’t align with who we want to be and what we want to create. Have you ever conducted a time inventory and really analysed how you spend your time? How we spend our time is a reflection on the quality of our life.

Using time wisely is one of the best acts of self-love we can give ourselves. Having strict rules around where and when and on what we spend our time can give us the space to create our lives. Looking at the discrepancies between the reality and the desire of our lives side by side can be enlightening. The key is to choose how we use the hours we have by avoiding things that waste our time we regain more time to create, love, enjoy and live.

My mate Tonya Leigh suggested we should list the things we should stop doing that are wasting our time, here are some of hers, and mine suggestions:

Using our best persuasion tactics in an attempt to change our mind or talk ourselves out of, or in to something;
Explaining to others the details of why. We shouldn’t need to explain why we don’t want to do something or need to change or cancel plans. We don’t need to explain our lives away.
Obsessing with perfectionism. Done is better than perfect. Do your best then move on.
Questioning our own ability to do, say or be something. Acknowledge our inner critic, but don’t indulge it.
Waiting in long queues to buy the latest thing, or tickets for an event or be the first to have something. So what if you’re not the first to have it? It’ll nearly always still be there once the queue has died down.
Spending hours and hours on social media so that we don’t miss out on anything. Dip in and out and use the rest of the time to do something of value. If it’s important we know something, someone will tell us.
Following through on the obligatory “yes, let’s get together”, when you can’t fit it in or simply don’t want to.
Keeping up with the latest trend, beauty, fashion, gadget etc. Do you, not everyone else.
Fuelling committing to the impossible job of making sure others like us. It’s our job to like ourselves and accept others either like us or they don’t. What others think of us is none of our business. What we think of ourselves is most definitely our business. Personally, I’d rather spend time with people I don’t need to try to convince.
Fanning, caressing and swaddling our stories from the past. Let it go, it’s done. Enjoy today and look to a bright future.
Making lists of all the things we don’t have. Wake up to all the things we do have and appreciate them.
Poking our noses into other people’s drama, even when we’re trying to be helpful. I personally don’t have time for other people’s crazy.
Spending hours in the gym. We shouldn’t waste time obsessing over the perfect body, but love the one we have. Going for a walk or doing anything that moves our bodies is good enough.
Insisting on cleaning before getting on with what we should be doing. I have no interest in being a cleaner and we have too much stuff in our house to bother too much about it. Cleaning before getting on with things is just a distraction task and often not really productive.
Committing to get better at things we should and could be better at but don’t really want to. We don’t need to be the best at everything and I would personally rather spend the time doing things that I’m naturally good at (if only I knew what that was). Accept our own strengths then use other people’s strengths to fill in the gaps.
Preparing gourmet dinners that should be on the front of Good Food magazine. Don’t make it complicated. Eat well and simply.
Placating the negative nay-sayers. If they cannot believe and support our personal dreams, they don’t deserve to be around us when those dreams come true. This doesn’t include those who hold a different opinion as discussion and challenge are always beneficial. Just those who tell us it’s not possible, or it’ll never work.
Holding pity parties for one with a dose of self-loathing. Nothing good comes from hating ourselves. We have the choice whether to hate or love ourselves.
Refreshing the email inbox again, and again, and again. Checking emails hundreds of times a day is not productive; it’s a distraction from focussing on what’s truly important.
Indulging in trash. Whether its trashy tv or social media, we know what’s trash by the way it makes us feel.
Beating ourselves up over wasting time. Sometimes it’s inevitable. How we chose to spend our time is such an individual thing. We should make a commitment not to waste time but not beat ourselves up when it does happen. We can’t be perfect all the time, remember?

The idea is to master the art of how we spend our time and energy, to tweak it to align with our desires.

What would be on your list of things to stop wasting time doing?

When your jeans don’t fit

Having just got back from a week’s holiday where we ate and drank very well, I was mildly anxious about trying to get back into my work clothes on Monday morning. I wasn’t going to deny myself the pleasures of eating out and enjoying different foods and wines. We had everything from English, French, Greek, Mexican, Italian and Indian cuisines. More often than not three courses too. I also enjoyed cocktails before dinner and wine with dinner. I was on holiday. I wasn’t going to spend it calorie counting. I’d put on about 6lb, which was about what I’d expected, knowing full well that when we got back home, I’d be back to calorie counting and being more careful what I eat.

I must admit, I was rather glad when the trousers I’d picked out to wear to work didn’t cut off the circulation. A little snugger than usual, but I could breathe.

I know that on my return to routine, I’ll get back to that sweet spot when I experience the flow of life, where I’m eating the right things in the right amounts. There was no need to spiral into doom, gloom and despair. It’s about learning to be comfortable in your own skin, even when there’s a little bit extra around the middle. If the trousers didn’t fit, I’d simply change the outfit.

In order to find that sweet spot, podcast favourite Tonya Leigh suggested that we need to be honest and respectful of ourselves. What happens in our own mind is the worst thing that can happen if we let it. It would be impossible to get back to that sweet spot if we thing of not getting into our jeans as a failure. We need to recognise that our bodies fluctuate and see it as a sign that we need to get back in touch with our body and tweak one thing at a time, rather than try to tackle it full on.

Getting to the sweet spot requires self-awareness and curiosity. If we’ve fallen off the wagon, TL suggested asking yourself the following questions:

What’s been going on?
What have you neglected?
What do you need to let go of?
What do you need to add?
What are you going to do next?

Often its about more than just food but with a new awareness and a few simple tweaks we can get back on it quickly. TL suggested that everything you desire lives within your sweet spot. It doesn’t have to be a struggle to find it. You can’t live in it 100% of the time; life has its ups and downs. It can be fun to explore and be curious about yourself. It can take a lifetime of practice to get there. Everyone’s sweet spot is different but when you get there you can be energised full of passion and excitement and can be unstoppable (if you want to).

TL concluded that living in the sweet spot required elegance, an internal sophistication of confidence and mindset.

I am confident that by the end of the week, I’ll have lost most, if not all of that holiday gain as I’ll be back in the zone of opting for healthier foods, I’ll certainly be drinking less and not having three course meals every evening. I’ll be back in my sweet spot by the weekend.

What does your sweet spot look like?