The Instant Gratification Monkey

I was reading an online article from Tim Urban, who studied why procrastinators procrastinate. He possets that they can’t help it. In their brain the procrastinator has the Rational Decision Maker who steadily guides the mind in to doing what needs to be done, and then there’s the Instant Gratification Monkey who sideswipes things and sends the mind off wandering for some instant satisfaction for information or other, that takes us away from our steady path.

The Instant Gratification Monkey takes us off to play in what Urban calls the Dark Playground, that space where all the fun, new, shiny things hang out that distract us from what we should be doing. In the back of our minds though is this constant feeling of anxiety or regret for that looming deadline or that thing that we’ve been working towards for ages. When that deadline approaches though, it’s time for a visit from the Panic Monster who scares us away from the Dark Playground back in to a sense of productivity to get things done.

Urban offers three steps to turn procrastination into motivation:

recognise that you are procrastinating. Being aware of something is usually the first step in resolving it.
Understand the reason for the procrastination. Is it the task itself, or is it you? Is it that you aren’t enjoying it, not qualified for it, or feeling overwhelmed by it?
Set objectives, tactics and rewards. Depending on the reason for the procrastination in the first place it might be as simple as having a to do list if you’re feeling overwhelmed, or someone that holds you to account, or if you promise yourself a treat if you get that thing done.

There are times that I procrastinate. It’s not usually because I don’t want to do something, more that I don’t want to do that particular thing right now. I will send that email out but after I’ve watched this episode of that tv programme I like. I will write that report just as soon as I’ve finished making lunch. I will learn how to ring handbells properly, just as soon as I’ve written that report and sent that email. Sometimes it can become a vicious cycle.

Other days, I can blast through even the most boring, or painful task without so much as a second thought. It’s about the frame of mind that I’m in. Sometimes, I find being in a particular place, or with particular people helps galvanise me into action. Sometimes I just wake up and tell myself that today I’m going to power on through all that stuff and clear my to do list.

Today has definitely been one of the latter type of days. I’ve finished the first draft of a strategy document. I’ve documented a framework that I invented that supports that strategy. I’ve been for a power walk. I’ve read the next section on learning to ring handbells and had a few goes at it. My Rational Decision Maker was in charge today.

I wonder if that means tomorrow I’ll be all out of juice and my Instant Gratification Monkey will be running the show.

Sitting with adversity

I’ve just completed a free, online 6 week course in Demystifying Mindfulness course via Future Learn (www.furturelearn.com). The course covered the “science of mindfulness, how it works and why from a political, psychological and philosophical perspective”. Throughout the course were a series of Mindfulness Labs, opportunities to practice a meditation technique. Something not so long ago I would have said was nonsense. One of the ones that resonated with me most was the one on Sitting with Adversity.

Usually throughout a meditation the participant is encouraged to let go of thoughts and feelings and concentrate on breath or sounds. In this particular one though we were actively encouraged to invite a difficult situation, thought or feeling and to acknowledge its existence, to sit alongside it, before considering “each in breath a new beginning and each out breath a letting go”.

So many situations to choose from. I may well have to come back to this meditation several times to get through them all. However, at the end of the 15 minutes or so, I felt much calmer about the situation I had been thinking about. I chose to lessen its hold over me and consider what was within my personal means of being able to do about it. In the end, I chose to let it be what it will be.

Even coming to terms with that simple statement of letting something be what it will be and making a conscious decision to not let it affect me in the way it had been, was enough to lighten to load.

I have done several short courses via Future Learn and would thoroughly recommend it as a way of broadening horizons and dipping into something before deciding whether or not its something you want to pursue further.

The holy trinity

Its by no coincidence that my blog site is called Bells, Bakes & Bettering Myself. Today I got to do all three. The holy trinity. The hatrick. Whatever you want to call it.

This morning was spent with friends and family in Ringing Room, the virtual #bellringing platform. A group of us from Essex, North Lincolnshire, Derbyshire and Nottinghamshire were able to ring together, have a good natter and make some progress in our learning. Bells part 1. Tick.

Early afternoon was taken up by decorating a cake for me and hublet for valentines day. Now, I need to fess up and admit that I didn’t actually make the cake, I only decorated it. A fantastic website called Sweet Success Cakes https://cccbr.org.uk/2021/02/10/the-survival-and-recovery-toolbox-issue-3/ can ship you ready make cakes in any size and different shapes and flavours you like. I’d already decided that I’m going to make myself a cake for my birthday next week and was looking at the site for some inspiration. They were offering 4 x 4 inch cakes, chocolate, red velvet, lemon and plain for £10. No brainer. Therefore, I decided that I would use one for valentines day, 2 for my birthday and have an extra tall cake and the other one for his birthday. I’ll have a rethink when it comes to our anniversary. All of these dates happen within a month of each other. The cakes can be frozen and defrosted when you need them so that’s handy. Cake done, although I suppose not technically baking but… Bakes. Tick.

Then came a meeting with some members of the Central Council and The Big Ideas Company, an organisation we’ve worked with before on major #bellringing projects. We were kicking around some new ideas for regenerating ringing when we can return post Covid. Bells part 2. Tick.

Then there was a little slot available until dinnertime to do a bit of research. I’m currently doing a free online course about mindfulness and wellbeing. See yesterday’s blog for how that went. The course does require you to do some independent learning so I was having a look about for scholarly articles on the science of mindfulness. Turns out there’s quite a few. I’ve pulled off a few that I think might be interesting. Bettering Myself. Tick.

Bells, Bakes and Bettering Myself. Does what it says on the tin.

The importance of nothing

Life can be so full on sometimes. Even having a week off work doesn’t really give you the rest you sometimes need. I’ve written loads, researched loads, rung loads and had several meetings during my week off so I really haven’t felt any restorative benefit.

Today though, we had nowhere to be and nothing to do. C turned the alarm clock off so we woke up naturally and didn’t actually get out of bed until nearly 10am, which is unheard of. Some might say that that’s wasting so much of the day, but waking up naturally actually made me feel more awake and alert than being ripped from slumber by a screeching radio alarm.

Saturdays have seem to have got a new ritual of bacon butties for breakfast. C cooks them whilst I’m in the shower so its ready, with my coffee, when I’m dressed and ready to face the world. So grateful for that.

Both of us then just sat for a while, reading or catching up with social media. No need to rush.

We had no reason to go into town for anything and as we’d had a late breakfast didn’t feel the need for lunch.

I did do some food prep for breakfasts and lunches for the working week ahead as Sunday is full of ringing, family Skype and virtual meetings as well as the weekly ironing fun. But once that was all finished, I could get comfy on the sofa and read.

Haven’t spent so much time dedicated to just reading for ages. A cup of mint tea with the last slice of winter spice cake made it all a bit hygge. Both of us just sat on the sofa reading. For hours. No other distractions of TV or radio. Blissful.

Some might suggest that a day was wasted and we should have done some exercise or something more constructive with our day, but I actually feel more awake and positive having taken some time to just be.

It probably helped that the book I was reading, not one of the e-shorts I had intended to, was talking about quietening inner critics and self sabotage. It was helping me understand the ways to silence the inner brain chatter and believe that I’m good enough, when so much that has been going on lately has left me feeling totally inadequate.

Benefits of doing nothing include being mentally stronger and more compassionate by having opportunities to delve deeper into innermost feelings and convictions. It helps relieve stress and help you become more rested, happier, productive, creative and allows your brain to reboot by letting thoughts settle.

My step count for the day is hardly going to break the 1000 mark but it doesn’t matter for one day. Self healing and restoration was what was needed today and I’m glad to have given it space in my life.

Magazine Questionnaires

Do you ever do those questionnaires in magazines? You know, the ones that tell you, depending on your score, what is in store for you in the coming year, what your personality traits are, or what your love life will have in store?

I remember as a kid the only magazine I bought with any regularity was Smash Hits. The only questionnaires they did worked out which pop star you were likely to marry. Of course you had to do the quiz over and over again until you got the answer you wanted. BTW, the only legitimate answer was Simon le Bon 😍

As I progressed (?) on to mags like Cosmopolitan the questionnaires were more along the lines of “how to make him fancy you” and “why your friends don’t like you much”. I guess they thought they were some sort of attempt at self help.

In the workplace over the years I’ve done many, many psychometric tests like Belbin, designed to find out your fundamental personality traits, then try to convince you how you and your colleagues could all work together in perfect harmony despite your differences. I’ve done Belbin so many times for different reasons. I still come out as ISTJ, the logistician. Introverted, observant, thinking and judging. I like facts and data. I like methodology and practicality. It means I’m honest and direct, strong willed, dutiful, responsible, practical. But on the flip side I can be stubborn, insensitive, always by the book, judgy, and self blaming when things fail.

Because I’m not spontaneous or outgoing I find it hard to make friends or trust people’s motives, or express emotions freely (until really pushed). This is the area I’m working on hardest and the moment and I don’t mind telling you, its bloody hard.

I did a magazine questionnaire this week in Psychologies Magazine about what kind of comfort do you need. Each question has 4 options to choose from then you count the times you’ve selected a particular response and it tries to explain what area you need to search in order to find solace.

Have you ever noticed there’s always at least one question where none of the answers is applicable?

Apparently, according to the number of hearts, diamonds, circles and squares I ticked, I have equal measure of hearts and squares. That means that I need to be looking for something spiritual and relational.

By spiritual it doesn’t mean finding God or some mystical thing, but could be in the form of rituals that allow time for reflection, and to connect with others. It suggests that I should focus on treating everyone with kindness, respect and lack of judgement and increase deep listening, filter out the gossip.

Relational suggests investing in meaningful connections with people and changing the relationship I have with myself. Being more compassionate with myself will, apparently, help me find comfort from others.

So, take my intovertedness and difficulty in making friends, insensitivity, stubbornness and self deprecation and just go out there and make meaningful connections. Just like that. Easy. Not.

Suggestions welcome.

Worth the wait?

Yesterday I ordered some books from Amazon which I hope arrive during the coming week, as I have some annual leave and therefore time to read them. Amazon told me that they should all arrive the following day.

Today Amazon tells me that my parcel should arrive today any time before 10pm. Thats going to be scary if the doorbell rings that late at night!

I have high hopes for these books. They will help me to understand and do better in the social media world. At least that’s what I’m hoping. I hope they are worth the wait.

According to logisticsmgepsupv.wordpress.com we spend around 6 months of our lives waiting in line for things, 43 days on hold with automated customer services, and 27 days waiting for a bus, 32 minutes per day waiting for a doctor, 28 minutes in a security line at the airport, 21 minutes for our significant other to get ready to go out, and 38 hours a year sitting in traffic. A Daily Mail survey suggested that we wait around 4 months of our lives waiting for the kettle to boil.

Sometimes the planning and experience associated with the waiting process can be extremely pleasurable. Like the smell around the house when you’re baking chocolate brownies. The creative processes of art, cooking, crafting, travel, and a myriad of other things can give as much pleasure during the creating or planning process as the final product does. And when you have that final product, it will be all the more sweet knowing the effort it took to create it.

As I’ve said before, I am an ongoing development as a human being and am trying to get as much pleasure out of the creation of the person I want to be, as much as what the end result might be.

Good things come to those who wait, apparently.

Why we do what we do

I have the next week off work as annual leave. I have no plans, and no real thoughts about what to do with my time. I have a couple of reports to write and could bake something but other than that, because we can’t go very far due to lockdown, no other real thoughts about what to do. That got me thinking about why we do what we do (or not).

You could take Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and work through that systematically, but does that cover it? Yes, there are some basic needs that ought to be addressed: the need for food, shelter, sleep, company etc. We need our elements of security around employment, health and some material belongings. There is certainly a need for friendship, family, love and a sense of connection. But then we get on to the things that you could argue we don’t NEED, we just WANT. Respect, recognition, strength, and then self-actualisation – to be the best we can be.

There’s another school of thought that suggests a different solution to why we do what we do.

A sense of obligation – to share experience and knowledge, the obligation to serve others. A sense of duty, and pride – perhaps via volunteerism, a call to action, pride in a job well done and our want to succeed. We should be wary of the vice like self intention, cunningly disguised as “being in our best interests”, which only really offer temporary pleasure. Acts of kindness and our altruistic love for the benefit of others. Passion for our favourite activity or cause, our desire to do something. The desire to “tick the box”, perhaps something off our bucket list, but could lead on to somewhere else. Our destiny may be coloured by family tradition, a hobby or particular calling that other family members before us have excelled in. Yes, there’s a need to have a sense of fulfilment to keep us energised and empowered through our self-actualisation. But maybe we do it for others, to have something to share or for the “greater good”.

Tony Robbins, an author and podcaster, as well as being a mutli-billion dollar entrepreneur, in his TED Talk and book, describes 6 human needs – certainty, significance, variety, love/connection, growth and contribution – and how each influences our thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions. By understanding what drives us, we can understand how to meet those needs. The same for people around us, once we know what drives them, we can help them meet their needs too.

At a very fundamental level, I know I need to be safe, secure, independent and have a sense of purpose. The narcissist in me does need some form of appreciation every now and then, but I certainly need feedback to make sure that I’m at least heading in the right direction and to help me achieve some personal growth. I need to be educated. I need to understand things and learn from them. I try to encompass all of that in my working, social and family life and am conscious that I don’t always get it right.

New Year, new you

My various social media feeds are already abuzz with suggestions about how to start the new year with a new outlook, or a new plan or a new … (insert anything of newness here). Magazines are already cramming the newsagent shelves with top tips on making 2021 the “best year yet“.

An article I’m currently reading offers 4 such tips.

1. Have a vision of where you want to be. Dream big and realign your mindset to think bigger and be more ambitious.

2. Learn something new. Overcome the fear of new knowledge by reading or watching YouTube videos, or do an online course.

3. Prioritise wellbeing to help focus on success. Stress associated with moving forward should be met with taking time to step back and relax.

4. Strengthen your resolve. Put in the time and effort to gain success. Keep going when things get tough. Implement good habits that support your goals.

Well, that’s all fine and dandy but I find it mildly contradictive. You’ve got to steam ahead with goals and learn new stuff and keep going when things get tough, but chill out and relax. If I’m chilling out and relaxing, how exactly am I embracing my ambition, expanding my knowledge and being more resilient? Unless my goal is to chill out, learn how to chill out properly and I resolve to chill out better. Maybe that’s the answer.

Whatever your vision is, whether you want to learn something new, however strong your resolve is and however good you are with your personal wellbeing, I wish you a happy, healthy and safe New Year.

Chocolate Week 12-18 October

Can’t believe I nearly missed this. I was prompted by yesterday’s blog about Spoonerisms Day and wondered what was so special about this day/week.

I came across a website that lists awareness events by day/week/month. I usually only get to hear about theses things after the event.

There are some massive awareness events this month like Black History Month, National Cholesterol Month, Lupus Awareness Month, ADHD Awareness Month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Go Sober for October, Baby Loss Awareness week, Arthritis week, Adoption week, and Work/Life week. But randomly thrown in is Chocolate week. I’m not sure that Chocolate Week has quite the same message as the others, in fact, does it actually contradict Cholesterol Month?

In all seriousness, there are some things that we need to elevate and become more aware of and actually do something about, whether its stamping out racism or looking after ourselves and others by being better informed.

Now that I’ve found this website http://www.awarenessdays.com I shall celebrate Chocolate Week whilst I read up and educate myself about the more serious issues that deserve our attention and action this month.

Draw things out, don’t push them in.

Our #MSEBuddyNetwork session yesterday was led by Chris Sheepshanks, a developer of organisational coaching programmes. He was very engaging and a real find.

He talked about coaching as being a tool to help others draw things out, rather than for you to push your ideas on to others. He said that a good coachong session should help the individual have a greater awareness of what they are doing in order to take responsibility for their actions leading to understanding what choices can be made to move forward.

Chris mentioned 5 principles:

1 -Slow down to speed up. We usually spend more time deciding what needs to be done and doing it that we don’t give enough time to reflecting and connecting in order to find our own purpose. Coaching should help people have a better conversation with themselves by facilitating pause and reflect.

2- Sustained high performance. We spend so much time on trying to achieve what it is we want to achieve without giving thought to learning, growing, stretching and developing ourselves. We need to find enjoyment in what we do and find a sense of purpose.

3 – Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Its easy to do what you’ve always done and natural to stay there but we won’t learn anything if that’s where we stop. Learning gives us a slight touch of discomfort and vulnerability but a good coach should be careful not to push too hard and risk over exposing or withdrawal.

4 – Trust & Rapport. To truly have a transformative conversation there needs to be a strong sense of trust between coach and coachee that supports an honest and openness with others.

5 – Enable Others to Play a Better Inner Game. Tim Galway says that everyone has the potential to perform but that not everyone performs to their potential. The interference that stops that by way of fear and self-doubt it what stops us.

I think that last point is significant for me. I’ve spoken before about my imposter syndrome holding me back and sometimes I do go for the easy option of familiarity and being comfortable, or even putting things in the “too difficult ” box and put off having to deal with it.

Having thought about this a bit, I am currently in the process of taking stock, to increase my awareness of what I’m doing and why, and take responsibility for learning, growing and developing in to what I want to manifest. Then I’ll make a decision on what direction to go in based on informed choices. For now, that might be taking some time to slow down to reflect and connect, in order to speed up.