Am I my own worst enemy when it comes to embracing success?

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

Another Psychologies Magazine test recently about what is stopping me from reaching my full potential. After the obligatory ten questions my results suggested that I fear success itself.

“Do you feel success is for other people? You might be talented and hard-working but, if you are prone to self-sabotage or lack motivation just as things start to go well, chances are you’re subconsciously keeping yourself in the ‘striving’ zone, with your goals just out of reach. When you do achieve, impostor syndrome can creep in, telling you it was a fluke or luck, rather than your own talent that brought success. There may be a difference between how you present yourself to others and how you feel. Fear of success can be bigger than fear of failure because, if you get to the top, you’ve got to stay there, and ‘prove’ you deserve it.

The key to closing the confidence gap is knowing your strengths, then crafting your working life to make the most of them. It may also help to find a mentor who has succeeded, despite starting from a similar place to you. If no one springs to mind, choose someone famous, read their biography or follow them on social media. Also, spend time with people who believe in themselves – confidence is contagious.”

I am totally sabotaged by imposter syndrome; I’ve mentioned that here before. I also feel that when I’ve praised for doing something well, I feel embarrassed about it and that I was only doing my job, or that it was a team effort, not honestly acknowledging the hard work and effort that I’ve put in. Doing that is big headed and an ego trip right?

In the past I have wondered about taking promotions based on whether I feel I am worthy of it, not whether I could do it or not, as I fully understand that you grow into roles and there should not be any expectation that I should be perfect in the job from day one. I sometimes look at my pack packet and wonder how I managed to command that level of salary. But then I think I have earned it through my years of effort, for my skills and knowledge. And then I go back to thinking that its just a desk job, it’s not like I’m actually saving lives, or solving climate change, or doing mega worthwhile things. And then I flip back to someone has to do my job so it may as well be me as much as anyone else. Then I wonder whether I could or should be doing something else, or altering the work-life balance again, or doing a job for another organisation all together.

Sometimes I think I have peaked and reached as far as I can go, or should that be, as far as I want to go, who needs the extra grief? But then something else comes around the corner and nudges at going just that little bit farther. Then I think I should get out while I can, before someone notices that I’m a fraud, that I don’t know what I’m doing or talking about. Then I think that I can do this, and I am the subject expert in this. But I’m not an expert, am I? I only play at being an expert. Someone’s going to catch me out.

How do I stop this self-doubting all the time and acknowledge that I am where I am because I have skills and knowledge without it coming across as arrogant?

6 people in your corner OR 5 mentors you need?

Several years back one thing I picked up, presumably from some talk or online article was the notion of having 6 people in your corner. Basically, these represented 6 characters that would help and support your leadership journey. They didn’t all have to be different people, although they could be, or some, or all of them could be the same person.

The 6 characters were:

The Instigator: Someone who pushes you, who makes you think. Who motivates you to get up and go, and try, and make things happen. You want to keep this person energised and enthusiastic. This is the voice of inspiration.

The Cheerleader: This person is a huge fan, a strong supporter, and a rabid evangelist for you and your work. Work to make this person rewarded, to keep them engaged. This is the voice of motivation.

The Doubter: This is the devil’s advocate, who asks the hard questions and sees problems before they arise. You need this person’s perspective. They are looking out for you, and want you to be as safe as you are successful. This is the voice of reason.

The Taskmaster: This is the loud and belligerent voice that demands you get things done. This person is the steward of momentum, making sure deadlines are met and goals are reached. This is the voice of progress.

The Connector: This person can help you find new avenues and new allies. This person breaks through roadblocks and finds ways to make magic happen. You need this person to reach people and places you can’t. This is the voice of cooperation and community.

The Example: This is your mentor, your hero, your North Star. This is the person who you seek to emulate. This is your guiding entity, someone whose presence acts as a constant reminder that you too, can do amazing things. You want to make this person happy. This is the voice of true authority.

Back in about 2009, when I first discovered this, I knew exactly who these people were. Some of them wore multiple hats for me. After about 2011 when I’d changed jobs, I really could not pinpoint anyone amongst my work colleagues that fitted any of those roles for me. Happily, I am once again in the position where I can identify at least one person, even if it’s the same person, for each of those roles.

I’ve just read an article by Anthony Tjan on ideas.TED.com who suggests that we should have 5 mentors:

The Master of Craft: “If you know you want to be the best in your field — whether it’s the greatest editor, football quarterback, entrepreneur — ask, Who are the most iconic figures in that area?” says Tjan. This person can function as your personal Jedi master, someone who’s accumulated their wisdom through years of experience and who can provide insight into your industry and fine-tuning your skills. Turn to this person when you need advice about launching a new initiative or brainstorming where you should work next. “They should help you identify, realize and hone your strengths towards the closest state of perfection as possible,” he says.

The Champion of your cause: This mentor is someone who will talk you up to others, and it’s important to have one of these in your current workplace, says Tjan: “These are people who are advocates and who have your back.” But they’re more than just boosters — often, they can be connectors too, introducing you to useful people in your industry.

The Copilot: Another name for this type: Your best work bud. The copilot is the colleague who can talk you through projects, advise you in navigating the personalities at your company, and listen to you vent over coffee. This kind of mentoring relationship is best when it’s close to equally reciprocal. As Tjan puts it, “you are peers committed to supporting each other, collaborating with each other, and holding each other accountable. And when you have a copilot, both the quality of your work and your engagement level improve.”

The Anchor: his person doesn’t have to work in your industry — in fact, it could be a friend or family member. While your champion supports you to achieve specific career goals, your anchor is a confidante and a sounding board. “We’re all going to hit speed bumps and go through uncertainty in life,” says Tjan. “So we need someone who can give us a psychological lift and help us see light through the cracks during challenging times.” Because the anchor is keeping your overall best interests in mind, they can be particularly insightful when it comes to setting priorities, achieving work-life balance, and not losing sight of your values.

The Reverse Mentor: “When we say the word ‘mentor,’ we often conjure up the image of an older person or teacher,” says Tjan. “But I think the counterpoint is as important.” Pay attention to learning from the people you’re mentoring, even though they may have fewer years in the workplace than you. Speaking from his own experience, Tjan says, “Talking to my mentees gives me the opportunity to collect feedback on my leadership style, engage with the younger generation, and keep my perspectives fresh and relevant.”

They both cover a lot of the same ground but Tjan has some interesting other ideas. I know who my Champion and Copilot are. I think I am my own Anchor really. I’m pretty clued up to my own values and setting personal priorities to achieve a good work-life balance. I’m not sure who my Master of Craft is at the moment or my Reverse Mentor as I’m fairly disconnected with leading or mentoring anyone at the moment.

Do you know who you’d have in your corner or who are your 5 mentors?

Quick fire round

I’m not one for small talk. I find it difficult to think of what to say. Its probably something to do with my introversion. I find it frustrating when meetings start with lots of random conversations that have nothing to do with the meeting agenda. I understand the purpose. An ice breaker, or checking in on others wellbeing and so on. But then I get to the point of “can we get on with it now please”?

Just for funsies I was having a play with a random conversation starter generator to see if they were the sort of things you could talk about in a room full of strangers, or at the beginning of a meeting whilst everyone is getting settled. Try some out. Here are the first 10 questions the random conversation starter presented to me.

What is your biggest fear? Losing my child.

What is your dream job? Not sure really. Like making cakes but not sure if I’d want to do it for a living. Thought about opening a cafe once. I guess not needing to have a job might be a dream.

If you were asked to teach a class, what would you teach? Baking.

Do you prefer baths or showers? Bit personal that one. Showers.

If you could choose any era to live in what would it be? Toss up between Tudor, but only if I was at Court. Or early 1900s when so much exploration and new invention happening.

What is one thing that you would like to change about the world? I suppose I ought to go for something like ending poverty or hunger or climate crisis but a big thing that gets me riled is hypocrisy.

How would you know you were in love? If I couldn’t stop thinking about someone or wait to see them and my heart started beating faster.

What is the longest amount of time you’ve slept for? 2 days. I went home from work ill on a Monday and woke up on the Wednesday.

Do you recycle? Yes!!!!

Do you prefer cats or dogs? Neither but if pushed on the subject dogs. Cats are selfish and mean.

Hmmm. Some of them are hardly conversation starters as they have a one word response. I suppose the idea is to then ask follow up questions but for some conversation done. I’m not sure that some of them would be appropriate at the office either but hey, if the conversation stops, I’ll throw one in and see what happens. 🤣

What’s the weirdest question you’ve ever been asked when the conversation got stuck?

Magazine Questionnaires

Do you ever do those questionnaires in magazines? You know, the ones that tell you, depending on your score, what is in store for you in the coming year, what your personality traits are, or what your love life will have in store?

I remember as a kid the only magazine I bought with any regularity was Smash Hits. The only questionnaires they did worked out which pop star you were likely to marry. Of course you had to do the quiz over and over again until you got the answer you wanted. BTW, the only legitimate answer was Simon le Bon 😍

As I progressed (?) on to mags like Cosmopolitan the questionnaires were more along the lines of “how to make him fancy you” and “why your friends don’t like you much”. I guess they thought they were some sort of attempt at self help.

In the workplace over the years I’ve done many, many psychometric tests like Belbin, designed to find out your fundamental personality traits, then try to convince you how you and your colleagues could all work together in perfect harmony despite your differences. I’ve done Belbin so many times for different reasons. I still come out as ISTJ, the logistician. Introverted, observant, thinking and judging. I like facts and data. I like methodology and practicality. It means I’m honest and direct, strong willed, dutiful, responsible, practical. But on the flip side I can be stubborn, insensitive, always by the book, judgy, and self blaming when things fail.

Because I’m not spontaneous or outgoing I find it hard to make friends or trust people’s motives, or express emotions freely (until really pushed). This is the area I’m working on hardest and the moment and I don’t mind telling you, its bloody hard.

I did a magazine questionnaire this week in Psychologies Magazine about what kind of comfort do you need. Each question has 4 options to choose from then you count the times you’ve selected a particular response and it tries to explain what area you need to search in order to find solace.

Have you ever noticed there’s always at least one question where none of the answers is applicable?

Apparently, according to the number of hearts, diamonds, circles and squares I ticked, I have equal measure of hearts and squares. That means that I need to be looking for something spiritual and relational.

By spiritual it doesn’t mean finding God or some mystical thing, but could be in the form of rituals that allow time for reflection, and to connect with others. It suggests that I should focus on treating everyone with kindness, respect and lack of judgement and increase deep listening, filter out the gossip.

Relational suggests investing in meaningful connections with people and changing the relationship I have with myself. Being more compassionate with myself will, apparently, help me find comfort from others.

So, take my intovertedness and difficulty in making friends, insensitivity, stubbornness and self deprecation and just go out there and make meaningful connections. Just like that. Easy. Not.

Suggestions welcome.

Worth the wait?

Yesterday I ordered some books from Amazon which I hope arrive during the coming week, as I have some annual leave and therefore time to read them. Amazon told me that they should all arrive the following day.

Today Amazon tells me that my parcel should arrive today any time before 10pm. Thats going to be scary if the doorbell rings that late at night!

I have high hopes for these books. They will help me to understand and do better in the social media world. At least that’s what I’m hoping. I hope they are worth the wait.

According to logisticsmgepsupv.wordpress.com we spend around 6 months of our lives waiting in line for things, 43 days on hold with automated customer services, and 27 days waiting for a bus, 32 minutes per day waiting for a doctor, 28 minutes in a security line at the airport, 21 minutes for our significant other to get ready to go out, and 38 hours a year sitting in traffic. A Daily Mail survey suggested that we wait around 4 months of our lives waiting for the kettle to boil.

Sometimes the planning and experience associated with the waiting process can be extremely pleasurable. Like the smell around the house when you’re baking chocolate brownies. The creative processes of art, cooking, crafting, travel, and a myriad of other things can give as much pleasure during the creating or planning process as the final product does. And when you have that final product, it will be all the more sweet knowing the effort it took to create it.

As I’ve said before, I am an ongoing development as a human being and am trying to get as much pleasure out of the creation of the person I want to be, as much as what the end result might be.

Good things come to those who wait, apparently.

Opening doors

When I get asked to give talks its one of the scariest things and takes me on a roller coaster ride.

My first question is why have they asked me? And the cynic in me replies “because they need to fill a slot and you’re an easy ask“. But maybe, just maybe, its because its a topic I know about and the person that’s asked knows that I can do a half decent job of it.

My first real worry then is what on earth have I got to say that anyone would want to listen to. I’m no one special. I haven’t done anything earth shattering brilliant or enlightening or entertaining. No one is going to want to hear me spout on about xyz when there are far more interesting and entertaining people who could do it.

Then there’s the “what am I actually going to talk about“. The latest ask hasn’t been too specific yet so I’ve asked the question. I could redo a talk I’ve given on a specific topic before, so I won’t have to prepare anything new, or do they want something different?

Then there’s the “how long have I got”? This is where, once I’ve written my talk I’ll time it to make sure it fits and I get all the main points across. I’ll read and re-read through it multiple times, including immediately before delivering it.

Then there’s the “oh my god, how many people will turn up? Supposing no one does?” Well, that’s not really under my control to do anything about. The one good thing about doing talks over Zoom is that you can change the view so you don’t have to see everyone’s faces and therefore don’t know if there’s one or one hundred people watching. Of course the trouble with doing that is then you miss out on any visual cues from the audience, like wanting to ask a question or wanting you to get a move on and shut up.

I generally don’t get nervous about giving talks, its the bit afterwards. Whilst I’m talking I know what I’m going to say, I’m well prepared, I’m in control. I’ve been to the loo, I’ve got a glass of water handy. But at the end when the facilitator opens things up to questions, that’s when I start getting nervous. What if someone asks a question I don’t know the answer to? Or worse still, I don’t even understand the question? The former can be resolved quite easily with a straight forward ,”you know, I don’t know the answer to that but I’m going to go away and find out, then I’ll let you know”. That’s all good if you actually do that, which I always make a point of on the rare occasions it happens. If I don’t even understand the question I’m not beyond asking them to rephrase it. Particularly if its quite a technical question, I’ll make a joke of it and ask them to dumb it down for those like me who are not technically minded.

The thing about giving talks is that they can open doors to lots of opportunity. An opportunity to meet new people, to listen to their questions and think about things from their perspective, to get involved in something else as a spin off, to be heard by someone who wants you to give your talk to a different group and start opening doors again with another different audience.

As much as I dread doing it for all the reasons above and want to say no, the chance of more doors opening and more new experiences happening is too great an attraction, however flattering the ask was in the first place.

Questions, questions

This coming week is going to be a week full of asking questions. As part of my new role I need to understand the detail of what I’m being asked to deliver and how what else is going on will impact, or vice versa.

I will be asking a LOT of silly questions I’m sure. But a silly question is not a silly question if it has to be asked. It is because there might be no immediate, obvious answer to the questioner. One might learn a lot through observation but in this time where we are barely meeting in person, it makes it difficult to observe.

Google provides many an answer and I’m not afraid to put that to good use. Then there’s the stuff that I already know or have some familiarity with. By targeting questions from a How? or Who? starting point, I’m more likely to get a better answer, or even framing it as a suggestion “I thought I might …” It might be off the mark a bit, but at least it would show some thought process. Framing a question correctly will make the question seem a little less silly.

Most colleagues are really helpful and are happy to give advice and support. Some are even willing to help further. It doesn’t matter how far you climb you won’t know everything and at some point, will need to ask that silly question.

Today I shall fully embrace that.

Intra, inter and Extra

Day 1 of our leadership course is asking us to reflect on our intra, inter and extra awareness. The awareness of ourselves, others and the wider world.

In a task in the afternoon we were given 4 instructions, the second of which was to select a leader for the task through a formal process. There were 4 of us in the team and after a very brief discussion about process I was nominated by all of the other 3, so I didn’t really get the opportunity to challenge.

The task was to prepare a 3 minute presentation to the Executive about building and maintaining morale, highlighting the challenges and changes required of leaders. We then had discussion and decided a way forward, then we had to pretend to present it.

After the task everyone is then invited to provide feedback on the content and dynamics of the leadership of the task. Basically invite character assassination but in a constructive way.

I was invited to give feedback first on how I thought it had gone and how people had behaved and contributed before they gave feedback on my leadership of the task.

Given that we’d only met each other that morning and had done a couple of small tasks together, there seemed to be already some understanding of people’s skills and attributes. Apparently, I was nominated to lead this task as I had already demonstrated earlier my ability to understand the rules of a task, to methodically approach the task and keep people on track.

Whilst it was really hard to listen whilst others talked about you, it was a very supportive environment, and I didn’t feel in any way threatened or demoralised by what people said. I actually found it uncomfortable because people were saying very complimentary things about my style. In fact there was nothing negative at all.

I was described as calm, considered, logical, methodical, organised, inclusive and paid attention to everyone, and strong when I needed to pull people back on topic and keep them to time. One person even said that they aspired to be like me.

The trouble is that I have no belief in that myself. I’m not saying they were lying about what they said, it would be difficult to accuse the whole group of conspiring, but I just don’t see it in myself.

The group facilitator wrote it all down (pictured) and told me to take it home and keep it to remind me of my leadership attributes, and believe it when other people see it in me, even if I don’t see it myself.

Draw things out, don’t push them in.

Our #MSEBuddyNetwork session yesterday was led by Chris Sheepshanks, a developer of organisational coaching programmes. He was very engaging and a real find.

He talked about coaching as being a tool to help others draw things out, rather than for you to push your ideas on to others. He said that a good coachong session should help the individual have a greater awareness of what they are doing in order to take responsibility for their actions leading to understanding what choices can be made to move forward.

Chris mentioned 5 principles:

1 -Slow down to speed up. We usually spend more time deciding what needs to be done and doing it that we don’t give enough time to reflecting and connecting in order to find our own purpose. Coaching should help people have a better conversation with themselves by facilitating pause and reflect.

2- Sustained high performance. We spend so much time on trying to achieve what it is we want to achieve without giving thought to learning, growing, stretching and developing ourselves. We need to find enjoyment in what we do and find a sense of purpose.

3 – Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Its easy to do what you’ve always done and natural to stay there but we won’t learn anything if that’s where we stop. Learning gives us a slight touch of discomfort and vulnerability but a good coach should be careful not to push too hard and risk over exposing or withdrawal.

4 – Trust & Rapport. To truly have a transformative conversation there needs to be a strong sense of trust between coach and coachee that supports an honest and openness with others.

5 – Enable Others to Play a Better Inner Game. Tim Galway says that everyone has the potential to perform but that not everyone performs to their potential. The interference that stops that by way of fear and self-doubt it what stops us.

I think that last point is significant for me. I’ve spoken before about my imposter syndrome holding me back and sometimes I do go for the easy option of familiarity and being comfortable, or even putting things in the “too difficult ” box and put off having to deal with it.

Having thought about this a bit, I am currently in the process of taking stock, to increase my awareness of what I’m doing and why, and take responsibility for learning, growing and developing in to what I want to manifest. Then I’ll make a decision on what direction to go in based on informed choices. For now, that might be taking some time to slow down to reflect and connect, in order to speed up.

Identity Thief

noun

1.the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

For me personal identity has always been a problem. As the youngest of four siblings I was always referred to as someone’s little sister. One of the maths teachers at secondary school actually said to me in my first lesson with him “oh, another one, I hope you’re going to be as good as your brother”. To which I replied “I’ll be as good as me and see where that gets us”. There were several occasions growing up where I had to make my own voice heard instead of being an extension of an older sibling.

When I got married I became C’s wife and was often introduced by others (not by him) as “this is his wife”. Apparently not having my own name.

Then our daughter came along and I became R’s mum. Again, no name of my own except in a very small group of other misfit mums.

My working life has been the only chance for me to forge my own way. Employers and colleagues have never met family members, other than maybe a brief introduction to my husband or daughter. This is where I get to be me, no one else.

As I have progressed through my career I’ve moved into management and have managed very large teams of staff, one team had 250 staff who worked around the clock. So then I became the XX department manager. You can even use the internal telephone system to ask for the XX manager without mentioning a name and you get put through to me.

My last three roles at work all started out because colleagues were looking for something and another colleague suggested my name. Yes I had to go through the proper recruitment process but I hope I got each role on merit, not because of who I know.

Within bellringing circles I have started to carve out my own name in that I work on behalf of the local Association and the Central Council. People have heard of my name even if they’ve not seen my face. I’m not in it for the glory, I do it because I can help. I’m not a particularly brilliant ringer although recently someone assumed I was just because they’d heard of me.

A couple of years ago I was heavily involved in an international bellringing project. I got asked to run it because someone had been told that I would be good. My reputation for getting things done had been noticed. This has led me on to the Public Relations Officer roles and I hope some good is starting to show.

Here I am not compared as a younger sibling, nor only invited because of who I happen to have married, nor as a chaperone to a now more than competent adult daughter.

I am here because I have earned it and although my Imposter Syndrome may get the better of me at times, people know MY name (even if they do continually miss spell it)!