5 steps to confidence

Every now and then I have a bit of a crisis of confidence. It could be anything from being able to ring a particular method in #bellringing, or something to do with work, or within a relationship with someone. This morning, I was slightly shaken by the fact that I went into the office for only the second time since the middle of January. I have become comfortable with working from home, the thirty second commute is a dream, I get so much more done during the day. As an introvert, interacting with people face to face is often an issue, particularly when you work in the health sector during a pandemic.

The whole process of getting ready for work, finding an office appropriate outfit, remembering to pack a lunch bag, allowing enough time to travel, finding a parking space, walking through an open plan office to my office at the back, the thought that I’d have to go over to the main building later to look at something with a group of people, the thought of the commute home, particularly on a day that I want to get home promptly as we were going out for dinner for C’s birthday.

Although most of this could be put down to anxiety about needing to do all those things, my confidence was a little shaken because I haven’t seen the people who have moved into the open plan office whilst I’ve been away, so don’t know who they are. Despite my own desire to move on from managing my team, I need to go back there today to do some activities with them. Do I still hold the same place with them now that I no longer manage them, how will they take to me being back amongst them?

I haven’t listened to Tonya Leigh for a while, but the latest podcast I heard was about situations that rocked her confidence. She shared that it’s easy to feel confident when everything is going your way, when you’re hitting your goals and creating the results you want. But when those times don’t happen we can resort to things like over eating, she says these are the times when you need the most confidence, when you are at your least confident.

Part of being successful is being rejected and failing over and over again, as I mentioned the other day in the blog with the Richard Branson book. Obstacles are there to grow you, to guide you and part of the process of learning. Often we give up on ourselves and feel something has gone wrong, tell ourselves we don’t have what it takes, and everything is against us.

TL says that what separates those who create the results and those that don’t is stubbornness. Self confidence is the feeling of trust in one’s own abilities, qualities and judgement. When we lose confidence we start to feel self-doubt, insecure, self-pity, this is when we need to practice confidence the most. To be willing to believe in yourself even when its hard, even when you’re not getting the result you want yet, to overcome the obstacles rather than avoid them.

We need to change the narrative for the future we want, and to embody and practice what self-confidence truly is. Its not about being perfect or what happens when things don’t go well, its about who you are when things don’t go well, when things get tough.

TL offered five things she uses to help when her self-confidence falters:

Understand why you are not feeling confident – avoid looking at the external things that you feel aren’t making you feel confident and look at your thinking about your abilities, do you trust yourself and your own judgement?
Practice little wins – we often look to the past to affirm our self-doubt, but you can begin to practice little wins to refer to, to show yourself you can trust yourself, you have good abilities, you have good judgement.
Do the opposite of what insecurity tells you to do – when you feel insecure it breeds an action or inaction that proves yourself true. Doing the opposite, take action, stay committed, you create something incredible that doesn’t exist in this moment. You don’t need to know exactly how its going to pan out before you take action.
Look for evidence it can be done – we look for all the reasons why we can’t do it. As long as you think you can’t do it, you won’t even try. Or when you try and it fails you allow your brain to spiral. Look for people who were rejected but still made it, for those who created the result you want and let them inspire you.
Envision the confident version of you – ask yourself what your confident version of yourself is thinking, how does your confident self feel about this situation? What would your confident self do?

We have a choice to be the insecure version of ourselves, or to step into the confident version or ourselves. Whatever you practice the most is what you’re getting the best at. If you practice confidence over time this will become your default. We can still suffer from self-doubt but if we recognise its just our brains creating that feeling, we can show up and take action, believe in our dreams to drive and inspire you to keep practicing confidence.

Quietly competent

An article by Carol Stewart highlighted the difference between mistaking a lack of confidence for a lack of competence. She was specifically fielding it as a message for introverted women, but it’s equally applicable to anyone who lacks confidence to show their competence.

There are those, and I’m sure we can all name at least one person, who is supremely confident. They can walk into any room and blag their way through whatever they’re confronted with, despite the fact they may not actually be competent. However, there are those of us who have competence but our confidence holds us back and we write ourselves off, doing ourselves an injustice by denying ourselves to become all of what we are capable of.

Stewart demonstrates the subtle differences between where we are in the four stages of competence:

Unconscious incompetence – unaware that there is a skills or knowledge gap
Conscious incompetence – awareness of a skills of knowledge gap
Conscious competence – having the skills and knowledge and knowing how to use them but requiring a lot of thought and practice to do so
Unconscious competence – having the skills and knowledge and knowing how to use them without having to give it much thought

Of course we can be in different places in different aspects of our lives and at different times. If you feel you are currently in the conscious incompetence stage how can you get the necessary training or who can help you with what you want to achieve?

Stewart asked us to consider what exactly is it that you lack confidence in? Clearly defining it helps make it easier to address. If it’s because something takes you out of your comfort zone, work on stretching yourself out of it without it becoming too stressful. It should feel slightly uncomfortable. Reflect on how you felt, celebrate that you went that little bit further.

We can often lack confidence when we feel overwhelmed for which Stewart suggested breaking things down to clear steps of what needs to be done.

When we compare ourselves to colleagues we should take into account whether they are naturally extroverted, a woman in a male dominated environment, someone from a different socio-economic status or a place of privilege. In those situations Stewart recommends standing strong in who you are and valuing the different you bring. You may have taken a different route to get to the table but you are there all the same and deserve it. You many have had many obstacles and taken a few detours along the way, and this can make your contributions even more valuable.

Addressing self-doubt, limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome by identifying where you lack confidence or competence can be conquered.

I am embarking on a new role at work where I very much lack competence and thankfully I am aware of this, consciously incompetent. I am also grateful that there are people around me willing to help me. I spent an hour or so with a colleague the other day going through a wealth of information around reporting processes and learning opportunities. She got me access to a team and a shared drive where there is a wealth of information for me to rummage around to help familiarise myself with the processes that I’ll need to adopt to help make a success of the work I’ll be doing. It was mind boggling at first, but the quiet competent in me told me “you got this”. I have the ability to become consciously competent before evolving into the unconsciously competent.

Is #bellringing the pursuit of aimless joy?

I was reading an article about how a woman and her child walked round and round in circles in the deep snow like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. It had no purpose, barely counted as exercise and once more snow fell they’d do it all again. Sometimes for over an hour. #bellringing can be a bit like that. We can go ringing, be it practice night, a quarter peal or peal attempt, a training day or service ringing. Sometimes #bellringing can have no real purpose but we do it anyway. When the child was asked why she was trudging in circles in the snow for ages, seemingly pointlessly, her simple answer was because it’s fun. #bellringing can be like that too!

Ask people who make sand sculptures, or balance stones, why they do that when they know their efforts will be lost to the elements, and they’ll tell you that it helps them shed stress, entertain others and in some cases “mess with people’s heads”. #bellringing can be like that too! Once we’ve rung our bells, the sound is lost for ever (unless you’ve recorded it and uploaded it to YouTube). It was transitory; there and now gone. But we do it for the fleeting joy of the activity itself.

We can spend a lot of time obsessing over personal goals and problems, feeling the weight of expectation and the fears that go with them. #bellringing can trick us into take a break from all of that. I often consider it therapy after a bad day at the office. To be able to do something physical, that requires my full attention, and stretches my brain. It can become a meditation, a moment to be in the present. When we ring with others we can feel that we are part of something bigger but it’s equally as transient as our few moments or hours of #bellringing itself.

When we think of #bellringing vanishing into the larger scheme of space and time, along with any method mistakes we may make, we needn’t be afraid to try a new bell, a new method, have a go at conducting something for the first time. In the few moments that follow, it becomes ephemeral and consigned to history.

Passively Aggressive Assertion

There are times when we need to be assertive either in the work place or at home to make sure that we are heard and our views are considered. In a leadership role we need to demonstrate assertiveness in standing up for our teams, communicating with impact and developing healthy boundaries.

It’s a fine line though between being passive and letting everything wash over us or being a pushover, assertive and getting our point across, or aggressive and being rude or insensitive.

Nidhi Kush Shah wrote a series of articles on “Bold, Brave, and Brilliant You”, and offered five signs of healthy assertiveness (in the workplace) without being aggressive:

You are able to say No respectfully without feeling guilty, apologetic or beating around the bush;
You are able to express opinions and disagreements respectfully without downplaying your own thoughts;
You are able to respect others when they say no and express their disagreement without taking it personally, staying calms and assertive yourself;
You know who to express presence and poise through non-verbal communications, remaining calm, steady, grounded, open and with positive eye contact;
You speak with higher authenticity and do not make statements to please people, ensuring your words matter, offering genuine support, encouragement and praise. Not saying something just because it sounds good on paper, realising it’s not possible to please everyone, sticking with what feels true.

Practicing assertive communications and behaviours can help increase our presence, strengthen our leadership, reduce stress and boost overall happiness. It applies in all walks of life, not just the office.

At work we are given tools to enable us to have good conversations, particularly as leaders who may have to have difficult conversations with others, using the BUILD acronym. It’s a process that I employ in other walks of life too:

B – talk about the behaviour, not the person

U – understand why it did or did not happen

I – describe the impact it had either on you, others or the service

L – listen carefully to what the other person is saying

D – what needs to be done differently in future to avoid it happening again?

I can be pretty assertive when I need to be, but there are times where I am extremely passive, even when I’m experiencing inner challenge. It can be a case of can’t be bothered to put my point across because no one is going to listen anyway, or even being talked over so I clam up and don’t bother.

As an introvert and a leader of large teams I am often conflicted between having to be assertive and show decisiveness and direction versus wanting a quiet life, or wishing I rather be anywhere else.

A quick Googlesearch offers much advice on how to practice assertiveness, for example the following is prefixed under the heading of “Here’s a short summary how to become more assertive”:

Pay attention to your needs, wishes and desired. Be gentle and attentive towards yourself;
Identify areas where you are healthy assertive and where you are not and practice skill and mindset transfer;
Face your fears and practice being assertive with moderate self-exposure. AT every opportunity practice assertiveness by being in the learning zone;
Learn to manage your fear, doubt, shame and guilt. Acknowledge them, make room for them, use them as a trigger for self-reflection and even more to reinforce healthy, assertive beliefs.

I’m not entirely sure how these statements actually help without giving any real practical ideas other than what might be summarised as “fake it ‘til you make it”. That may well work for some, but others may need more practical guidance.

What’s your go to advice on how to be more assertive without being aggressive?

What do you need to take control of your future?

This was the latest question posed in Psychologies Magazine with the usual ten questions to choose responses from. One question put was “When you have to make a big decision, you tend to…” the answer options were:

Ask other people’s advice
Put it off if you can
Worry about it
Do what’s expected of you

I chose “Do what’s expected of you” as the response that most resonated with me. I often don’t necessarily do or respond the way I’d like to but go with what I think others want, or expect of me. I go along with what everyone else wants, even if it really isn’t what I want to do, out of a sense of duty, out of a sense of not wanting to rock the boat, or it’s just less drama to do what the other person wants rather than what I want. There is plenty, in all walks of life, that I would have rather done or not done, or said, that I’ve just kept quiet about. Sometimes to the point where it has emotionally hurt me to go against what I would rather do.

The results from my answers to the ten questions suggested:

Try to think about how you feel.

There’s no doubt a stoic approach to life – ‘putting up and shutting up’ – can help you stick at things. There are lots of upsides to having a high tolerance for discomfort, boredom or feeling ‘not quite right’, but the pay-off is often weeks and months spent ‘just getting on with it’, which can drift into years. When your feelings come way down your list of priorities, it’s hard to justify making changes that might impact on others. And, in a busy life, it’s easy to operate in ‘doing mode’, getting on with everyday commitments whilst switching off from how you feel.

Journaling may help you pin down your emotions and gain insight into your feelings. At the end of each day, rate a list of categories of your choice out of 10 (achievement; happiness; peace of mind’ wellbeing’ purpose; sense of connection..) If your scores are consistently lower than five, you have proof that the way you are living is not working for you. There is much to be learned from being curious about your feelings, instated of burying anything that is difficult.

Through the work I’m doing to get to know myself better, I am starting to find that I have a wider range of emotional responses. In the past, I would just shrug something off and try to ignore it. I had been accused of being uncaring in the past, when actually I did care, I just didn’t dramatise it.

What I have found so far is that I am responding more openly about things that upset me, usually by crying (often shut away somewhere or in the dark). I am becoming more decisive about things I don’t want to do, and vocalising it. Sometimes I still have to do it but at least I can now say that I’m doing it under duress. What I still haven’t really got to grips with is vocalising my emotions and feeling confident enough to tell other people exactly how I feel, or how they have made me feel.

I think some of that comes from the fear of being ridiculed about feeling that way. Some it from not wanting to come across as needy, pathetic, “over emotional” or even as hormonal being a woman of a certain age.

Some of those around me are not great at sharing emotions either, so most of the time these things go unsaid. I don’t think they necessarily go unnoticed, they are just not commented on or discussed, in the hope that it’ll blow over in a day or so. If I get grumpy about something someone has or hasn’t done, I usually just go into quiet mode, don’t say much. Nothing is said back and it’s a case of leaving be until I get over it. But that doesn’t resolve the issue. It’s still sitting there in the dark waiting to surface again another time.

I know what I’m feeling, so I don’t think I need to keep a journal about it and score it. For me it’s about being able to communicate that with someone in a confident and supportive way. I am definitely in the ‘putting up and shutting up’ role, getting on with ‘doing mode’ rather than acknowledging how I feel, verbalising it and acting on it.

Something to work on.

Am I my own worst enemy when it comes to embracing success?

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

Another Psychologies Magazine test recently about what is stopping me from reaching my full potential. After the obligatory ten questions my results suggested that I fear success itself.

“Do you feel success is for other people? You might be talented and hard-working but, if you are prone to self-sabotage or lack motivation just as things start to go well, chances are you’re subconsciously keeping yourself in the ‘striving’ zone, with your goals just out of reach. When you do achieve, impostor syndrome can creep in, telling you it was a fluke or luck, rather than your own talent that brought success. There may be a difference between how you present yourself to others and how you feel. Fear of success can be bigger than fear of failure because, if you get to the top, you’ve got to stay there, and ‘prove’ you deserve it.

The key to closing the confidence gap is knowing your strengths, then crafting your working life to make the most of them. It may also help to find a mentor who has succeeded, despite starting from a similar place to you. If no one springs to mind, choose someone famous, read their biography or follow them on social media. Also, spend time with people who believe in themselves – confidence is contagious.”

I am totally sabotaged by imposter syndrome; I’ve mentioned that here before. I also feel that when I’ve praised for doing something well, I feel embarrassed about it and that I was only doing my job, or that it was a team effort, not honestly acknowledging the hard work and effort that I’ve put in. Doing that is big headed and an ego trip right?

In the past I have wondered about taking promotions based on whether I feel I am worthy of it, not whether I could do it or not, as I fully understand that you grow into roles and there should not be any expectation that I should be perfect in the job from day one. I sometimes look at my pack packet and wonder how I managed to command that level of salary. But then I think I have earned it through my years of effort, for my skills and knowledge. And then I go back to thinking that its just a desk job, it’s not like I’m actually saving lives, or solving climate change, or doing mega worthwhile things. And then I flip back to someone has to do my job so it may as well be me as much as anyone else. Then I wonder whether I could or should be doing something else, or altering the work-life balance again, or doing a job for another organisation all together.

Sometimes I think I have peaked and reached as far as I can go, or should that be, as far as I want to go, who needs the extra grief? But then something else comes around the corner and nudges at going just that little bit farther. Then I think I should get out while I can, before someone notices that I’m a fraud, that I don’t know what I’m doing or talking about. Then I think that I can do this, and I am the subject expert in this. But I’m not an expert, am I? I only play at being an expert. Someone’s going to catch me out.

How do I stop this self-doubting all the time and acknowledge that I am where I am because I have skills and knowledge without it coming across as arrogant?

Can a change of outfit really change your outlook?

I suppose the lovely weather we’ve experienced over the last few days has had me sorting the short sleeves from the woolly jumpers. And having an extra day to chill out and do what you want to has been beneficial.

I’ve been girlying up by wearing some lighter, brighter clothing, cleaning some jewellery I haven’t worn in ages, spritzed on some perfume even though we’re not going anywhere, painted my nails, done some housework and cooked breakfasts for the week ahead. Quite the domestic goddess. I’ve actually felt really chilled and positive about some changes I’ve started to put in place and today it started to manifest.

But to make those feelings and attitudes to stick, I’m going to apply the 21 day rule of sticking with it for that long to see if I can change my habits.

The way you dress can affect the way you feel and therefore can be used to take advantage of and increase confidence. Wearing elegant clothes can even change your behaviour. Adding accessories ups the ante.

I was told once that I should dress for the job I want not the one I have, but given that I’m sat in an office predominantly on my own, no one notices any way. I was also told that I should buy new underwear for an interview as it makes you feel more alert 😆

Apparently clothes have a cognitive affect with uncomfortable clothing associated with unease and distraction whilst comfortable clothing help us relax. Wearing the right clothes for the right occasion puts us in the right frame of mind.

Can all of this really make a difference or is it all superficial nonsense?

It will be time to be more sociable again soon as we meet more people face to face. Being a natural introvert that fills me with dread but can a change of outfits and mindset make a difference? Time will tell.

Will anyone notice and will they care?