Tag: #charm

Is charm the missing x factor to success?

Image by NickyPe from Pixabay

Do you feel confident and at ease every time you walk into a room? I know I don’t. Yet we have something to offer in each room we walk into.  Powerfully connecting with others no matter who is in the room, confidently and no longer feel ‘less than’ to achieve our goals.

Being charming can be viewed as some magic formula that gets others to do our bidding.  It can also conjure images of elegance, exclusivity, but is sometimes covering up acting charming with feeling charming.  Having a radiant charm, a deep confidence, a playful curiosity can have others wondering who you are.

I often feel like I don’t belong and avoid people and conversations, watching everyone else having fun, getting the invites and enjoying life.  We are taught the basics in life, maths, English, history, how to cook, how to balance our accounts, but we are not taught how to charm people.  Interacting with others is always part of everyday life, so being more charming can draw people to us and we can respond to any situation with confidence and grace, being able to influence others by managing our own presence.

Charm is not something reserved for the genetically pre-disposed, but something we can all learn.

Current podcast fave Tonya Leigh noted that successful people understand the power of charm.  Lacking social confidence can hold back our ability to influence and win people over, whatever our definition of success is.

TL suggested the number one killer of charm is our need to be liked.  She said that when we try so hard to be like, we actually become less likeable.  Its human nature to want to be liked, but others will back away if we appear to be coming across as too desperate.  My blog yesterday told of how I would like other people to like me more and my lack of confidence in making real friends, so this was an interesting twist for me to learn.  TL said that wanting to be liked can hold us back and make us act differently in social settings.  If we’re not concerned with being liked, how would we show up? What would we do? Where you we go?  If we’re trying to be liked, she suggested there were six signs that we may be guilty of:

  1. Saying yes when we mean no – doing things for and with others when we’d prefer to do things on our own.  Charming people say no a lot and people respect them for it.
  2. Saying no when we mean yes – not doing things because we’re afraid of what others will think.  Charming people do what they want to and inspire others because of it.
  3. Act like a crazy person around others – morphing into other versions of ourselves depending on who we’re with.  Charming people are calm and collected, having nothing to prove and everything to give.
  4. Lacking healthy boundaries – putting up with interference from others, allowing people to monopolise our time or people who take advantage of our generosity.  Charming people understand they need big fences and choose to love some people from a distance.
  5. We don’t ask for help – we help everyone else, but don’t ask for help for ourselves so we don’t burden other people, or risk rejection.  Charming people know that others love to help out and ask for help.
  6. We don’t take a stand – our opinion changes depending on who we’re with so we don’t upset anyone’s feelings or cause disagreement, so we become a plain, uninteresting version.  When we start to unapologetically share what we truly love everything changes.  People will always have an opinion of us, but others will start to relate and become attracted to us and like us for ourselves, not some crazy or plain version trying to fit in.  Charming people know what they value and believe and their purpose and what they stand for.

If we want to be more charming we need to break the habit of wanting to be liked. The definition of charm means to arouse admiration and delight greatly.  Delighting and admiring who we are ourselves makes good things happen, including having amazing friends.

So yesterday, I was saying how I would like to be liked more, but I do believe in being true to myself in the process.  I don’t think I’m guilty of morphing into different versions of myself to please others, what you see is what you get. I probably am guilty of saying yes when I mean no and vice versa and not asking for help, but I am getting better at that and becoming more vocal about what I want to do. There are definitely things that I take a stand on and can be quite vocal about that, particularly around inequalities. I am aware that I tend to be passive in a lot of interactions on the grounds that I feel I don’t have enough knowledge about a subject or confidence to come out of my comfort zone. 

Charismatic as a cabbage

Some people just have it.  The poise, the confidence, the strong measured voice using well-chosen words in a relaxed tone, they look and sound the part.  They are indeed charm personified. They have “it”, that charisma that captivates and positively influences and connects to others on a physical, emotional and intellectual level. https://www.success.com/7-qualities-of-the-most-charming-people/

This week’s interesting read from Success Magazine offers 7 qualities that people with charisma possess and why it is important to try to emulate them:

  1. They smile, sit or stand up straight, look people in the eye when they’re talking, instead of slumping or keeping a straight face all the time.  Their body language gives out unconscious positive signals.
  2. They can distil complex ideas into simple messages and don’t over complicate things, and are therefore more persuasive.
  3. They have the innate ability to speak well and articulate their ideas well without preamble or waffle.
  4. They are active listeners, making others feel special and heard.
  5. They notice time and space and ensure that they are on time to meetings and provide the right time and space for a conversation.
  6. They build rapport by adapting to others’ personalities.
  7. They have something to say.  Being great at listening and being persuasive doesn’t count if you have nothing to say.

We have come to expect more from people, we want them to be more understanding, empathetic, to empower others.  Someone with charisma sees all problems as solvable and encourages others to step forward. 

Sadly the article doesn’t offer advice or suggest ways for those of us with less charisma as to how we might improve.  And some of these things would be more difficult to achieve if you were more of an introvert. 

In a separate article, the same magazine does offer ways to develop your charisma https://www.success.com/6-ways-to-unlock-your-charisma/

  1. Be attentive, if you find your mind wandering during the dullest of meetings, pull it back and be present in the present.
  2. Put people before rank.  Engage with the person, not their job title.  Take time to see the person within.
  3. Be curious, ask questions, listen and be positive, draw people out and engage in a proper conversation with them.
  4. Be aware of your tone of voice, friendly facial expression, open gestures and fully facing someone you’re having a conversation with.
  5. Empower others by sharing a personal experience of your own.  Give it that personal touch.
  6. Be self-aware and don’t try to manipulate a connection.  Others will see straight through it.

I know for sure that my face tends to give away too much if I’m bored by someone’s conversation, or I think they’ve said something ridiculous.  Either that, or I go stony faced and have no expression at all and then people have no idea what I’m thinking and it unnerves them. I probably waffle a bit sometimes, other times I want to get to the point and move on.

 I do try to be a good listener but there are certain subjects that my brain just totally switches off from, like sport and try as I might to be interested for the sake of others, I just can’t do it. Its all too easy now to be on a Zoom call, looking like you’re looking at the screen and paying attention, but all the while your reading emails or doing something else.  A particular skill if you can touch type.

I guess on the charismatic scale of 0-10 I’m probably about a 2, about as charismatic as a cabbage (apologies to cabbages everywhere).