Is charm the missing x factor to success?

Do you feel confident and at ease every time you walk into a room? I know I don’t. Yet we have something to offer in each room we walk into.  Powerfully connecting with others no matter who is in the room, confidently and no longer feel ‘less than’ to achieve our goals.

Being charming can be viewed as some magic formula that gets others to do our bidding.  It can also conjure images of elegance, exclusivity, but is sometimes covering up acting charming with feeling charming.  Having a radiant charm, a deep confidence, a playful curiosity can have others wondering who you are.

I often feel like I don’t belong and avoid people and conversations, watching everyone else having fun, getting the invites and enjoying life.  We are taught the basics in life, maths, English, history, how to cook, how to balance our accounts, but we are not taught how to charm people.  Interacting with others is always part of everyday life, so being more charming can draw people to us and we can respond to any situation with confidence and grace, being able to influence others by managing our own presence.

Charm is not something reserved for the genetically pre-disposed, but something we can all learn.

Current podcast fave Tonya Leigh noted that successful people understand the power of charm.  Lacking social confidence can hold back our ability to influence and win people over, whatever our definition of success is.

TL suggested the number one killer of charm is our need to be liked.  She said that when we try so hard to be like, we actually become less likeable.  Its human nature to want to be liked, but others will back away if we appear to be coming across as too desperate.  My blog yesterday told of how I would like other people to like me more and my lack of confidence in making real friends, so this was an interesting twist for me to learn.  TL said that wanting to be liked can hold us back and make us act differently in social settings.  If we’re not concerned with being liked, how would we show up? What would we do? Where you we go?  If we’re trying to be liked, she suggested there were six signs that we may be guilty of:

1. Saying yes when we mean no – doing things for and with others when we’d prefer to do things on our own.  Charming people say no a lot and people respect them for it.
2. Saying no when we mean yes – not doing things because we’re afraid of what others will think.  Charming people do what they want to and inspire others because of it.
3. Act like a crazy person around others – morphing into other versions of ourselves depending on who we’re with.  Charming people are calm and collected, having nothing to prove and everything to give.
4. Lacking healthy boundaries – putting up with interference from others, allowing people to monopolise our time or people who take advantage of our generosity.  Charming people understand they need big fences and choose to love some people from a distance.
5. We don’t ask for help – we help everyone else, but don’t ask for help for ourselves so we don’t burden other people, or risk rejection.  Charming people know that others love to help out and ask for help.
6. We don’t take a stand – our opinion changes depending on who we’re with so we don’t upset anyone’s feelings or cause disagreement, so we become a plain, uninteresting version.  When we start to unapologetically share what we truly love everything changes.  People will always have an opinion of us, but others will start to relate and become attracted to us and like us for ourselves, not some crazy or plain version trying to fit in.  Charming people know what they value and believe and their purpose and what they stand for.

If we want to be more charming we need to break the habit of wanting to be liked. The definition of charm means to arouse admiration and delight greatly.  Delighting and admiring who we are ourselves makes good things happen, including having amazing friends.

So yesterday, I was saying how I would like to be liked more, but I do believe in being true to myself in the process.  I don’t think I’m guilty of morphing into different versions of myself to please others, what you see is what you get. I probably am guilty of saying yes when I mean no and vice versa and not asking for help, but I am getting better at that and becoming more vocal about what I want to do. There are definitely things that I take a stand on and can be quite vocal about that, particularly around inequalities. I am aware that I tend to be passive in a lot of interactions on the grounds that I feel I don’t have enough knowledge about a subject or confidence to come out of my comfort zone.