How to find and live out your purpose

Do you sometimes think if you could just figure out what your life’s purpose is, your life would be complete? I have done occasionally. I wonder what the point of me is, why am I here? What am I meant to be contributing to the world?

Purpose is the reason for which something is done or created, or for which something exists. In figuring out what your purpose is, you get to decide why you exist, why you’re doing something. Your purpose can be being intentional and deciding how you want to show up, who you want to be.

There are those who in their early years have a clear view of who they want to be when they grow up, a doctor, a lawyer, a writer. Most of us though probably don’t have a strong sense of who we want to be. I’d never have thought I’d be doing what I am now. I never really thought about what I wanted to be or do. R had very clear views. At first she wanted to be a forensic scientist and we helped her towards that route. We looked at what she needed to do at University and worked it backwards through A levels and GCSEs. When it became apparent that she probably wasn’t cut out for that, an opportunity arose for her to play with photography, and that’s where she excelled. She was a natural at it. She did photography at A level and even her teacher said there was nothing more she could teach her, she needed to go to Uni to do it, and that’s what she did. Unfortunately the world of photography is a difficult one to get into, particularly if you lack self-confidence, but she has eventually found a job that revolves around camera equipment and is happy taking photos for fun. She’s even had a couple of commissions over the last few years. She found her thing.

If you think about what has led you to this moment, you stop trying to find your purpose and focus on deliberately showing up as the person you want to be. It takes practice, but things will begin to change. When you refocus energy from resisting your job or what you do now into creative energy you can think about other things you want to experience. When we are curious about other opportunities and projects they lead to the next step, and the next, without necessarily knowing what the outcome will be.

You may still not know what the ultimate outcome will be but your purpose will be whatever you want it to be and whoever you decide to be. Beyond that you get to choose to involve yourself in things you’re curious about and that may take you down another route. Take the pressure off yourself and decide who you want to be as a human being then live that out no matter where you are or what you’re doing.

For me, I think I’ve taken choices, particularly at work, that have served my needs at the time. I reduced my hours when R was at school and I took a job that was much lower banding than I was used to. Not long into it, I started to see opportunities to make efficiencies, to make the process better and get more information out of it as a result. That lead to promotion. Eventually I went back to full time, and in a role that gave me opportunity to process and plan, and organise. Over the course of the next six years, I got promoted three times based on my emerging capabilities. As a result of that I was then head hunted for a job with a major increase in responsibilities. From there I’ve used my abilities to plan, process map and monitor. This has put me back into the project management world, which makes good use of those skills.

I feel that my purpose is to organise things and people, and look at processes to try to improve them. I also have a number of curiosities outside of work that I dabble in but so far have not taken the braver step into investing fully into them. I am keen to learn and explore areas of unfamiliarity.

I think I will always return to organising. It’s what I do. I must be my purpose.

What’s yours?

Finding a kindred spirit

I was reading an article about Saira Khan, star of the 2005 series of The Apprentice and later Loose Women presenter, wellness fanatic and entrepreneur about how she felt that life was started at 50, breaking barriers and being her authentic self. Whilst there are obvious differences, like the fact she has a £2.3m house in Oxfordshire, she looks amazing and has an evolving business, the difference seems she seems content not to have to prove herself anymore.

We do both seem to have taken the opportunity of turning 50 to have a time of reflection and taking stock of where we are in life and what we want for ourselves, rather than for others. In her words “I can’t please everybody and I don’t want to please everybody”. She clearly has an advantage over me in that she can afford to do what she wants, work how and when she wants and can afford all the niceties money can buy. However its not money, prestige or fame she’s interested in, rather not doing things she’s no longer happy doing, and looking after herself mentally and physically.

It seems that she had to work hard to get it and due to her upbringing created a persona of being loud, opinionated and assertive. She felt that she had to be that way in order to break down religious, familial and workplace barriers. She is clearly a confident person and doesn’t suffer fools gladly. I can identify with some of the issues she faced and some of the ways she has responded and how others perceived her.

Obviously she was taking part in a photo shoot and interview so of course she was made to look glamorous, but it was her words that resonated most with me in expressing herself and what she wants personally. Like me, she wants others to see that there is another side to her. She’s not opinionated all the time. She’s not shouty all the time. She’s not assertive all the time.

Whilst I am fundamentally an introvert, there are groups of people who don’t see me that way. They see me as assertive, firm, judgemental and not afraid to say what I think. Mostly, that’s so far from reality. I don’t say half the things I think, or feel and sometimes that’s the right thing, but then I don’t say half the things I probably need to to the people who need to hear them. I struggle with decisions in certain circumstances. I need a level of validation and confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. I try to do what’s right for everyone else sometimes to the detriment of what’s right for me.

Turning 50 has given me that opportunity to re-evaluate what I want for me, where I want to be in the next 5-10 years’ time, how I want to be comfortable in my own skin. As I said before, I have considered things that I did in my younger days and let go for one reason or another, and reawakened what I had then that I want to return to now. It’s been quite liberating reinventing myself, although not everything I did 30 years ago I could get away with now.

What no bells?

Although there has been no group #bellringing for such a long time now C and I have been going to the Cathedral and ringing two bells just to keep things going.

This week however we are away visiting E&M so not able to go to ring. In ordinary times we would go with E&M to their tower to ring on Sunday bit as they’re not back ringing yet either, we had the morning off.

An odd feeling to not go ringing but after yesterday’s marathon walk around Hardwick Hall we were all exhausted and enjoyed a couple of extra hours sleep.

I am looking forward to returning to the Cathedral next weekend when we will have a couple of extra of ringers for the first time in many, many months. The rules still only allow six people with social distancing, masks and good ventilation but it will be fantastic to hear more than ding and dong and try real ringing methods.

As we head into June and the possibility of no restrictions after the 21st (fingers tightly crossed) we may also be able to start practices again. I know many towers already have but because we are very reliant on people from other towers supporting our practice we’ve decided to hold off for a while.

It will be interesting to see and hear how we get on when trying to raise and ring the heavy bells for the first time in 16 months. Managing people’s expectations of what they could and should ring might be a challenge.

From what I’ve read on social media from other towers it seems that there has been a positive community reaction to bells being rung again but then I upoose no one is going to share any negative responses they’ve had.

I always share details of what ringing we are planning and what we’ve done on our Twitter account and tag local radio, the diocrsan office, the cathedral, local city sites as well. Some are really positive and like and share our posts which is lovely.

I want to build a closer relationship with the cathedral and diocesan offices and local community sites so that they start to fully consider the advantages that bellringers bring to church and community.

I’ve already had conversations with the cathedral office about a diocesan wide ring to mark the enthronement of our new Diocesan Bishop later on in the year and look forward to some closer links.

Today’s Psychology

New Psychologies Magazine out means new 10 question quiz to do for funzies. This month’s topic is all about “What mental shift do you need to thrive?” Through questioning what your core values revolve around, what your default response is when asked how you are, when you feel most contented, what you find hard to make time for, when you feel most like yourself, your go to role within a group, what others think of you, how you react to uncertainty, how you were encouraged as a child and what knocks your self-esteem, the answer to how your mind-set may be holding you back in life is mystically revealed.

For me, the answers were the closest run thing of all the quizzes I’ve done. I had equal numbers of responses to 3 out of the 4 possible groups. I scored the same for self-awareness, self-enquiry and self-acceptance. When I read through the responses, I did identify bits of myself amongst them.

Self-awareness:

When much of the day is made up of tasks to tick off its natural to look at what has been achieved to construct a sense of self. That might be fine for now but problems arise when what fills the day doesn’t align with core values of offer a sense of meaning. Without self-awareness it’s easy for habit to shape experience of the world and affect connection with yourself. Are you doing too much to numb feelings of disquiet about the direction life is going, or about certain relationships? In answer to the question “who are you”? would you struggle to answer if you couldn’t list what you do? If life feels safe and stable, your gut instinct may tell you to avoid inviting disruption and uncertainty but could you allow a some space for daily stillness and curiosity about the weather pattern inside through mindfulness, yoga or a walk in nature? Just make sure it doesn’t also become a task to be ticked off a list. If it does, reduce it to simply pausing in the day and enquiring with curiosity: how am I reacting to this? what are my thoughts and emotions?

I very much focus on a list of things to do each day. If I get at least three quarters of the way through the list then I’m satisfied. It could include mundane daily things like getting out of bed (sometimes that’s difficult) as well as the actual work that needs doing, or things that need doing for #bellringing stuff I’m working on. I have a To Do list next to my laptop at home and almost every day I add something else to it. I have always found it really hard to think about who I am. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt etc, I’m a manager, a PRO to varying degrees of success or failure. But who am I deep down? No idea. I exist. I do stuff.

Self-enquiry:

Those who are more concerned about the needs of others may find their sense of self is tenuous at times. Do you feel put on the spot when conversations turn to what you want? When your value and identity gets too closely bound with making others happy, your development may suffer. It’s OK if you struggle to define who you are, and you may feel different every day but if the thought of exploring yourself creates unease, it may be that you worry that if you take the time to probe your inner landscape, you’ll find a blank space. Humans are ever changing beings that respond to everything around them, including their relationships. The irony is that improving your relationship with yourself is the most effective way to be there for others. It’s OK to look to others to work out who you are, but if the energy of your key relationships is always focused on gaining approval, you may need to consciously make space for self-enquiry. For many, that means therapy and for others it could be more time spent on creative projects that offer self-expression.

Again, I do find it really hard to think about what I want, what are my passions and desires, what do I want to achieve or become. That changes all the time. One day I want to have my own cake business. Another day I want to be a full time PR person. Another day I want to stay where I am and run projects, or be in charge of a department or function. Another day I don’t want to have to go to work anymore and another day I don’t want to be at home all the time. I can never really answer questions like “what do I enjoy doing” or “what do you find fun”. The thought of therapy appals me. Not that I think it has stigma attached to it, I think it can be extremely useful for some people in certain situations. But I remember how horribly uncomfortable I was when I went to antenatal classes and they tried to the relaxation techniques. If anything, it wound me up more. I was better off left alone. The coaching sessions I’ve had that have asked what I want to achieve I’ve struggled to find an answer to. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I enjoy, I don’t know what I find fun.

Self-acceptance

When you see yourself as a work in progress, accepting yourself, flaws and all, can feel risky, as if you’ll never reach your potential. But if your self-image is based on not being enough, and your inner narrative hones in on what you see as your faults, you might feel you’ll never flourish. It’s true that the self is dynamic and we all change in response to our environment and the people we interact with, but a sense of self can provide a firm foundation for growth and make us more resilient. The key to allowing yourself to flourish lies in your relationship with yourself. Do you treat yourself in a way that you would never treat anyone else? Sometimes, self-criticism isn’t overt and lurks in seemingly harmless habits such as comparing your life to others on social media. There is nothing wrong with wanting to grow, learn and be your best self, but true personal development starts with self-acceptance. When you start where you are, you face the world without pretence, and show up just as you are. A journey of self-acceptance may take time, but its transformative effects can be life-changing.

I do see myself as a work in progress, and through what I’m beginning to read around and start to experiment with e.g. meditations etc, I am trying to find some inner acceptance of who I am. I know that I’m far from perfect. I do have a sense that I’m never quite good enough. But for who? Sometimes, I just not quite good enough as a wife, or mother, or sister, or daughter or boss, or friend, or leader. I don’t really compare my life to others on social media, I’m quite good at separating someone else’s life from mine. We have different experiences, different situations, different finances and different attitudes to what’s important. I’m not bothered about keeping up with the Jones’.

I guess I still have a lot of questions to ask myself, and need to give myself the freedom to really think about them, not just the superficial stuff on the surface.