The importance of conversations

I’ve had some REALLY good work conversations this week, even from unexpected parts. My diary has been chocca with meetings aimed at finding information out that will help me deliver the two project outputs I have.

Some of those conversations have been quite IT technical but I actually did manage to follow them reasonably well and didn’t feel like I was just there taking notes. I was even able to ask a question that sparked a whole new train of thought that actually the IT folk hadn’t thought about.

I’ve found out a whole bunch of really interesting facts about how we deal with overseas patients and the lengths we have to go to in order to reclaim debt and the power that not being able to recover that debt has over that individual. This lead me down another path to investigate a whole bunch of data. 🙌 Nerd radar satisfied.

The whole purpose of a conversation is to obtain or review or convey information or understanding about facts, processes or contacts and to learn from each other. Having good communication skills is an important aspect of having healthy relationships, be it work, family, friends or other.

Some people profess that there are rules on how to have a better conversation, such as not multitasking so you can concentrate on the conversation, use open ended questions, go with the flow, don’t use it to equate your experience with someone else’s (all experiences are individual). I think that if you are honest, open and curious that should help.

We were watching QI last night and they were discussing that here in the UK it only takes about 4 seconds for a silence during a conversation to become an uncomfortable silence, where you start getting twitchy and end up blurting stuff out because you can’t bear the quiet. I think silences during conversations are really important. They allow time to absorb the information you’ve just heard, to reflect and think about the next point or question. And, probably more importantly, allows quieter members of the group an opportunity to say something they’ve probably been trying to say for ages.

I also think that you shouldn’t talk over people. Its like suggesting that their opinion is wrong or not worthy or they end up having their suggestion overrun by someone else. In a recent conversation (not work) there were 3 people all talking at once, and over video conference that’s really hard, so none of them were heard properly, and because they were all keen to share their example, I tried 3 times to answer the question and was talked over every time, so I just stopped. I didn’t answer the question, I didn’t raise my point, I didn’t bother participating any further. Don’t ask me a question if you’re not going to allow me the opportunity to answer it.

How are your conversations going to improve your day today?

The 6 Domains of Resilience

The #MSEBUDDYNETWORK I’m part of at work is a great resource for being able to support colleagues who just feel that they need someone to listen to them, for somewhere safe to spout off, or to just reflect and recoup.

There have been some great resources shared throughout the programme and another such example was shared yesterday. Available via the NHS Leadership Academy (through whom I did my Elizabeth Garrett Anderson Senior Healthcare Leadership MSc) are some bite size learning snippets around health and wellbeing conversations specially focusing on resilience.

The resource was developed by Sonya Wallbank, a clinical psychologist and organisational development lead. It is broken down into 6 dimensions covering Vision, Reasoning, Adaptability, Responses, Health and Relationships. Each dimension then goes on to explain its impact and offers suggestions to think about how we could focus our energies into improving them.

The resource is there to support facilitators of conversations and can be applied to your own experiences as well as used as a template to help others. My personal opinion is that we should not expect to help others where we cannot help ourselves first, so for me to support anyone else, I need to understand my own experience.

VISION: This is about setting personal goals and values and understanding why we do what we do and helping shift our anxieties and concerns into hope and curiosity. The questions posed are about asking yourself what you believe is your purpose in life, whether you are engaged in activities that bring out the best in you and inspire you, and what are your goals and how could you get nearer to them.

REASONING: This is our ability to problem solve, be resourceful and anticipate and plan for things and our reactions to set backs. The ask is to reflect on how you react to change in plans, what you need to be able to cope better with change or difficult circumstances, and how you could plan for a range of different potential scenaios.

ADAPTABILITY: Considering our ability to bounce back, be realistically optimistic and flexible about expectations and acceptance of change. You might need to consider how you adapt to last minute changes of plans, how to say “no” or “I could do that if…” instead of saying “yes“, and what could you achieve if you had a bit of extra help.

RESPONSES: How do we react emotionally, psychologically and biologically, to what’s going on around us. What are the things that you are worried about that you could do something about, what are the things that are outside of your control, do you need extra help to get you through this response?

HEALTH: How we feel plays a major part, how are we physically, financially and environmentally. Are there simple changes to lifestyle that could help, do you need help with controlling finances, are you OK in your work or home space?

RELATIONSHIPS: Our culture, team and other relationships all contribute to our resilience. Is there anything that leaders or colleagues could do to help make you feel safer in sharing ideas or opinions, where can you get support outside of your team, what networks and communities do you connect with and what will enable you to thrive.

Another great resource that enables us to help others. But as I said, in order to help others I need to be able to understand my own responses, so I’ll have a sit down and think.

Sunday rituals

Rituals are good for giving us the power to keep us grounded, stabilised and focused. They can provide a sense of confidence and security and can help alleviate grief and stress and can increase happiness. Doing things on a regular basis gives us a sense of familiarity in a world when there is so much going on around us.

Sundays in this house is very ritualistic. Fortunately for the two of us we can still go #bellringing on our own, so up and out first thing. When we get back home we split the chores. Something we agreed from the start is that I would either cook Sunday lunch or do the ironing but not both. He picked cooking so I get landed with the ironing.

Ironing is not my favourite pastime so I need some distraction in order to get through it. Generally this comes in the form of a vat of coffee, using a huge mug I’ve had for years. Because I don’t have breakfasts on Sundays by the time we get home from ringing I’m hungry, so have a snack of some sort with my coffee.

Then I’ll put a film or Netflix series on so that I can watch that whilst I’m ironing but it can’t be anything that requires too much concentration otherwise I’d burn his shirts. He’s busy cooking a Sunday roast by this point.

Then, after lunch I prepare my breakfasts and lunches for the working week ahead. This week I’ve made Biscoff pancakes for breakfasts 😋 and I’ll have ham rolls for lunch.

Every other week we have a family Skype and catch up with everyone, and sometimes I have either a meeting or virtual #bellringing session in the early evening.

Then its time to settle down. Often we’ll have cheese and crackers for supper, sometimes accompanied by a glass of Baileys. There’s usually a dodgy old film or TV show on that we’ll settle in to before wrapping myself in my sofa blanket and having a nap.

The simple pleasures in life and the familiarity of ritual allows me to rest and recover ready for the week ahead. Once I’m under my sofa blanket, do not disturb!

Getting back to it

We have almost got to the end of all the Christmas food and hampers that we were sent. Friday is weigh in day for me so when I got on the scales for the first time of 2021 I knew that I wasn’t going to like what they told me.

My problem is that I don’t like fruit, of any kind, and I’m not a massive fan of very many types of veg or salad. And who wants salad in winter anyway, right? And I have a sweet tooth. So how on earth am I going to diet? Oh, and I have a desk job and am fundamentally lazy so any kind of exertion is unlikely.

We do kind of follow Slimming World as far as evening meals go, and I do try with breakfasts and lunches too but I’m not very good at counting syns and limiting treats. Quite frankly life, particularly at the moment, is too short.

I’m sure I’ve said it before about understanding the benefits of a healthier lifestyle but why is it easier to get into a habit of bacon rolls for breakfast on a Saturday than it is to eat salad and exercise?

One good reason for not exercising is that I just don’t enjoy it. I certainly don’t like the prospect of group exercise or jumpy about videos. I’ve tried do it yourself yoga and home workouts but they just don’t make me feel any better.

When I was in my early 20s I had a Jane Fonda workout video that I used to do at about 5am before getting on a train to work. I did actually enjoy that and felt energised (ok, I was 30 years younger and 5 stone lighter then which probably helped). Sadly I lent that video to someone and never got it back. I’ve tried looking online to see if it could be reproduced but couldn’t find the right one.

I do try to get out for a walk every day, but now I’m only clocking up an average of 5,000 steps per day. I don’t have to walk to the car anymore or around the site, which all helped clock up some mileage, but my commute only goes from the lounge to the study.

I did start hula hooping during the summer which was fine when I could do it outside but when the weather turned and it started getting darker, it was less tempting and we don’t really have enough space indoors.

I guess like a lot of things its all about determination. If I’m going to do something about my weight and health I really must make more time and effort.

Going Potty

During the first lockdown our daughter came back home to stay for a couple of months whilst she was furloughed. Along with her came at least a dozen pot plants. Sadly her larger ones that had to be left behind didn’t make it.

Whilst she was at ours she decided to do something constructive so undertook a free on line course about houseplants. She really got into it and every time we went for our daily exercise walk she’d talk about various types of plants and where they’re from and best suited etc. And every time we went anywhere near a shop she’d buy another plant. Even from the supermarket when doing the food shopping. Soon our house was getting over run.

For the last couple of years she’s given me plants for birthday, Christmas and Mothering Sunday. They usually come accompanied by a small piece of paper with hand written information about the plant. And some even have names. Howard the aspidistra is a firm favourite along with Monica the Japonica.

For Christmas we couldn’t spend the time together as we’d hoped so she sent our presents directly. Then she was concerned that the main present wouldn’t arrive in time so sent another one by next day delivery. Well, they both arrived in time and of course were both pot plants.

She’d even paid extra for a lovely outer pot for one of them which according to what she’d been told would be big enough. Well of course it wasn’t, but no matter, we can use it for a different plant instead.

Anyway, one of the plants already seems a bit pot bound and is distorting the shape of the pot its in, so we need to repot it.

His nibs decided that we would use our daily exercise to walk to B&Q to get some new pots and more potting compost. Sounds like a good plan. Kill two birds with one stone. It was only 2 degrees outside so I got dressed up in my big winter coat, hat, scarf and gloves.

Started off ok, nice pace, nippy around the edges but not too bad. Now B&Q isn’t exactly around the corner. The round trip there and back was 6.7 miles and took us 2 hours 22 minutes. And on the way back I was carrying the compost.

By the time we’d almost got home, my arms felt like they were going to drop off, my legs were giving up and I was actually now incredibly warm.

Just for a ruddy pot. This plant better like its new home once its been repotted. I for one can’t move now.

Opening doors

When I get asked to give talks its one of the scariest things and takes me on a roller coaster ride.

My first question is why have they asked me? And the cynic in me replies “because they need to fill a slot and you’re an easy ask“. But maybe, just maybe, its because its a topic I know about and the person that’s asked knows that I can do a half decent job of it.

My first real worry then is what on earth have I got to say that anyone would want to listen to. I’m no one special. I haven’t done anything earth shattering brilliant or enlightening or entertaining. No one is going to want to hear me spout on about xyz when there are far more interesting and entertaining people who could do it.

Then there’s the “what am I actually going to talk about“. The latest ask hasn’t been too specific yet so I’ve asked the question. I could redo a talk I’ve given on a specific topic before, so I won’t have to prepare anything new, or do they want something different?

Then there’s the “how long have I got”? This is where, once I’ve written my talk I’ll time it to make sure it fits and I get all the main points across. I’ll read and re-read through it multiple times, including immediately before delivering it.

Then there’s the “oh my god, how many people will turn up? Supposing no one does?” Well, that’s not really under my control to do anything about. The one good thing about doing talks over Zoom is that you can change the view so you don’t have to see everyone’s faces and therefore don’t know if there’s one or one hundred people watching. Of course the trouble with doing that is then you miss out on any visual cues from the audience, like wanting to ask a question or wanting you to get a move on and shut up.

I generally don’t get nervous about giving talks, its the bit afterwards. Whilst I’m talking I know what I’m going to say, I’m well prepared, I’m in control. I’ve been to the loo, I’ve got a glass of water handy. But at the end when the facilitator opens things up to questions, that’s when I start getting nervous. What if someone asks a question I don’t know the answer to? Or worse still, I don’t even understand the question? The former can be resolved quite easily with a straight forward ,”you know, I don’t know the answer to that but I’m going to go away and find out, then I’ll let you know”. That’s all good if you actually do that, which I always make a point of on the rare occasions it happens. If I don’t even understand the question I’m not beyond asking them to rephrase it. Particularly if its quite a technical question, I’ll make a joke of it and ask them to dumb it down for those like me who are not technically minded.

The thing about giving talks is that they can open doors to lots of opportunity. An opportunity to meet new people, to listen to their questions and think about things from their perspective, to get involved in something else as a spin off, to be heard by someone who wants you to give your talk to a different group and start opening doors again with another different audience.

As much as I dread doing it for all the reasons above and want to say no, the chance of more doors opening and more new experiences happening is too great an attraction, however flattering the ask was in the first place.

Password Reset

Again, things came in pairs today.

I’m working from home at the moment and have a work laptop. For the last few days its been pinging me a reminder that I’ll need to reset my login password soon. It even counts down the days until the current password expires and suggests that you could do it earlier if you want to.

Why oh why then, was I completely annoyed when this morning I was asked to enter a new password and had to think of a new one. I’ve had a week to think of one. And it’s always when you want to get on with something, so it throws you off your train of thought. And then, the only ones that you think you’ll remember are ones you’ve had before that the system won’t allow you to use again. And it has to be a minimum number of characters, contain at least one number and one non-alphanumeric character. And they still expect you to be able to remember it without writing it down.

And that’s just the front log in screen. Everything you want to access in a different system also requires a password. But with a different number minimum character length, so you can’t use the same one. Then it’ll tell you that’s its too similar to previous passwords so think of another.

Then there’s the system that requires you to enter a new password, but then its going to send you a new verification code so you can’t access the system until you’ve had that email. And that email may take 24 hours to get to you.

This was the second password reset request of the day.

I need to get into this stuff to be able to get on with work. I understand the need to ensure everything is secure but surely once you’re in the main front door system, you should be allowed to access everything within it without the need for 27 different sets of log on details.

Someone’s trying to tell me something

I received two totally independent packages today.

One was a belated Christmas present from my brother. He had intended to be able to visit just before Christmas to deliver them in person, but the change in Covid restrictions put pay to that so he had to resort to posting. There were several little wrapped presents in the package, but one of them was a cake slice with the words “happiness is a piece of cake” written on it. 👇 Ain’t that the truth.

The next parcel to arrive was some cake decorating goodies that I’d ordered a few days ago. I don’t have any cakes to make at the moment but I was looking through some photos and came across a couple of some sprinkles pots that my friend at The Cupcake Oven uses. I’d taken photos when I was last at one of her classes to remind me of the brand name so that when I wanted to order some at a later date I’d remember. This prompted me to browse their website and, naturally one pot of sprinkles became four.

It seems rather coincidental then that two cake related items should arrive on my doorstep on the same day. And just the day after what would have my granddad’s 107th birthday (who was a master baker) and on the day that would have been my nephew’s 23rd birthday.

Perhaps someone is telling me I need to make a sparkly cake for no other reason than just because. Maybe I will at the weekend.

Favourite corner #2

This is my next favourite corner of the house. Its in the new office space set up in the study where I can work from home.

Its not my favourite corner because it means I can work from home, but because the photos that were put on to canvas were taken by daughter before she really knew what she was doing with a camera. She went on to study photography at university.

I used to have these on the wall in my office at work but since I don’t currently have an office to myself, and I’m not always there, I didn’t want them getting lost or taken by someone else. I thought they would make something lovely to look at whilst I am working from home and after some inspiration. They also remind me of my favourite person.

If you Google “good things about corners,” you get a plethora of ideas about how to decorate awkward or empty corners, or design ideas for corner shelves. You also get quotes about turning a corner and such like.

I’m not sure that I’ll manage 10 interesting corners in my house as most of them are full of stuff and either untidy or uninteresting. I might have one more before I might have to move on to the next 50 by 50 thing.

Life expectancy

Out of the list of suggestions that were offered when I asked for ideas about things to do before I hit 50, one of them was to do a life expectancy test, then see how many years have you got left and write down five things you’d really like to do in that time. This isn’t something to be morbid about, rather that it should inspire you to do other things.

Obviously there’s no real science behind something that only asks about 10 questions about your age, gender, health and status. According to my age, height, weight, marital status, income and ethnicity on the particular online test I found, I should be expected to have an estimated life expectancy of 87 years, with a 75% chance that I’ll live until I’m 79. The site then gives suggestions on how to increase life expectancy with more exercise, less drinking, and how to put financial matters in order to fund retirement.

So part 2 pf the suggestion then was to come up with 5 things to do in that time. Some of the other suggestions I received could come in handy here.

Pay anonymously for a strangers coffee. Capture a moment every day in a photo or painting. Take photos of strangers and find out their story. Send a message in a bottle. Put £5 in a place for someone random to find. Write and post a handwritten letter to yor child. Take photos of 10 favourite corners of the house. Pick a random novel, read the first paragraph then do something triggered by those words. Try an alternative therapy like rieki or reflexology. Amongst others.

These all seem eminently doable so I shall tick some of the off. For starters, here’s a photo of one of my 10 favourite corners in my house.