How one sentence can change your life

Whether we recognise it or not, we all need and use mentors and coaches that we can look up to who have travelled that path we are on now. We might not recognise someone in that role “officially” but every time we have a conversation with someone, and we ask questions, or for advice, the other person is mentoring or coaching. You probably have many people who have inspired you, or you’ve learned from, or someone who has had an impact on you.

For anyone who has delved into the world of personal development, you can often look for more “official” role models. It could be a colleague or work based mentoring scheme, or through the world of personal development and life coaching. There are hundreds of them out there ready to help. But how do you know which one to approach? It’s going to cost you money and you want to make sure you get value for that. You need to feel comfortable with them as going through the process can leave you feeling quite vulnerable.

I spent time with one person and all she said every time I asked a question or for advice was, “what would you tell someone else if they asked that question?” That’s not helpful if you’re searching for those answers yourself. Someone else’s story is different to your so it doesn’t necessarily translate. If I knew what to tell someone else, I wouldn’t be asking the question myself, would I? Thankfully, I wasn’t paying for this particular pearl of wisdom, and I’ve not been back since to that particular person.

We can often feel guilty for investing in our own growth and so far, I’ve not spent real money on it, but I am curious about it. I saw something recently on LinkedIn which sounded really fun. It was a group for women for fun and fascinating conversations in and around London, with events hosted at some truly stunning locations. I was really tempted, it sounded like fun and a good opportunity for networking and to experience different things. But something held me back. The cost actually wasn’t that extravagant: £20 per month or £220 for the year for which you get exclusive access to the podcast, the online community and networking and so on. Obviously there was a cost of attending an event on top of that, but factor in the glitz and glamour of attending an intimate supper in one of London’s most gorgeous venues, drinks nights, or bespoke evenings like wine tastings, book clubs, walks and talks. It all sounded like a fun thing to do, to experience. What was really holding me back was two things:

Would I fit in with this group of people? My lifestyle is so very different at the moment. Would I look and sound like an idiot around these, presumably very cultured and clever people?
Could I justify the expense? It’s not much, but without being able to see exactly what I’d be getting for my money, I don’t know whether it would be worth the investment, and what I’d truly get out of it.

But surely if I don’t try, how will I ever know? It’s a bit like mentoring and coaching, until you try with someone, you’ll never know if it’ll work for you or not.

Now, I’ve also had some great work based coaches. Two stand out. One I’d never met before and knew nothing about, who was very much senior to me, who was willing to meet with me over a coffee and chat about my future. She carefully explored how I thought my career was going, and I do remember one particular piece of advice she gave me “when you go for an interview, wear some sexy undies, it’ll make you feel really special, and you’ll hold yourself completely differently”. I’ve never actually put that to the test, but I can see her point. The second coach I’ve had experience with was someone I know of, not necessarily very well, but we have mixed in work circles before. She knew more about my situation and pushed a bit harder at the “what do you really want?” thoughts. This really helped me galvanise my own plans. She never told me what I should do, she asked how various things made me feel, and asked me to explore my feelings around the various options that were open to me. It was a very soft and gentle approach but had some hard hitting lessons behind it.

So, I’m currently flitting between what should be my next self-development step with coaching or mentoring. Again, I need to look at where I want to be in life and what things do I want to experience. Should I invest at least one £20 monthly fee in this London club and dip my toe in the water to see if it’s the right fit? I know only I can answer that question.

When you start to investigate life coaches, you’ll see they charge £thousand’s for their efforts. I recognise that’s due to their expertise and knowledge in this area, but can it really be value for money? Obviously, they would claim it is and all the intangible results you’ll benefit from along the way.

But they might just have that one sentence that could make a world of difference.

10 Life lessons learned

Podcast fave Tonya Leigh has been talking about learning life lessons from her early years as a pageant princess and how they translate to her life in adulthood. She suggested:

Following your dreams is uncomfortable. It takes practice to break through event when we’re scared, trying to hold it together. Practice and hard work pays off eventually. We procrastinate and divert ourselves because it’s uncomfortable to go after our dreams. Instead of shrinking from emotions, feel them, show up and do it anyway.
People will judge you. Make peace with it. People are always going to judge or compare you with others or themselves. You get to be a winner despite what others think. To avoid judgement you’d need to lock yourself away and never come out, but then someone would judge you for doing that too. Expect to be judged, that way you won’t be caught off guard. Their judgement says more about them than it does about you. What you think of you is what you should be more concerned with.
You will fail. Along that journey you will meet amazing people and learn more about yourself by continuing to get back out there. Ask what you failed at this week. Avoid getting cosy with only the things you succeeded at, but be comfortable with failure and what you learn from it.
Allow yourself to shine. Whether it’s on stage, in the kitchen or at the office, notice where your heart comes alive and have the courage to stand in your spotlight, even if you knees are shaking.
People may leave – let them go. Over time we lose friends but don’t let them stop you from doing the things you love. Don’t let that stop you doing your best. You don’t need to apologise for being you. Don’t dull your shine in order to fit in to be accepted. New faces will arrive that support you. Those who truly love you will stick by you and those that only love a version of you that you no longer want to be, will leave.
Be a queen and surround yourself with other queens. Stand tall and be proud of where you are. If you surround yourself with other queens, you won’t be in competition with each other because you’re all wearing a crown. Cheer each other on, call each other for support, enjoy being together. Believe in yourself, show up. It’s hard to find others who don’t feel the need to compete, who cheer each other on, who are supportive, focus on living a well lived life, who are like minded.
Miss Congeniality never wins. Being the nice girl, in with the in crown is hard work. Thinking that in order to be successful, people have to like you is not healthy. The reality of it is you can’t be effective if you’re struggling between your values and whether you’re like or not. Stop trying to win Miss Congeniality to serve yourself and others, start being Miss You. People will always challenge and disagree with what you’re doing. Be kind but don’t be nice to your own demise. Be true to yourself.
Jealousy and envy are toxic. Harbouring envy only hurts you. Learning from your jealousy can inspire you. If you’re jealous of who or what someone else is, learn from them. There’s nothing wrong with feeling envious but don’t let it tear you or the other person apart just to make you feel better. Look at what they are showing you that you want in your life, investigate where you’re holding yourself back, go out and get it. If you’re on the receiving end of jealousy it’s not about you. You’ve just triggered a deep desire in someone else. Extend compassion to those who are envious of you.
There’s more than enough success to go around. Another person’s success does not take away from yours. If we see someone else’s success we’re more likely to feel excited by it and inspired by it. Don’t use someone else’s success to play the victim in your own life. Celebrate others’ successes with them and see how it transforms your own life. What you throw out comes back. Don’t use your success to feel guilty. Be proud of yourself and what you’ve created. You did the hard work, felt uncomfortable, overcame setbacks and self-doubt, showed up and took action.
Your essence is everything. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or who is paying for your education, your essence is what owns your space with confidence and a head held high. Who you are being more important than what you’re wearing or doing.

I often worry about people judging me, but then I do fall into the trap of judging others. I am more conscious of when that happens now and try to stop myself before I say anything. I am better at recognising that judging someone can be hurtful.

I am not very good at shining. Someone once said to me that I inspired them. My imposter syndrome made me want to curl up and die. There’s nothing I do or say that could possible inspire anyone. I’m not that important, or clever.

I have let people go who no longer align with my values.

I do occasionally get jealous of other people, but then I try to remember they are only showing you the best version of themselves, the edited highlights. You don’t get to see the pain, emotion, financial issues or things they had to struggle with to get to where they are. I try to celebrate other people’s successes as much as possible and be happy for others achieve. I don’t think anyone has ever had cause to be jealous of me but I would hope that if I identified that, I would not be smug about it and show some humility.

I occasionally get praise for something but I find the whole thing embarrassing and usually shrug it off with “I’m just doing my job”. There are things that I’m proud of that I’ve achieved, but had it been someone else, I’d have been equally proud of them for doing it.

I am going through this whole journey of self-discovery, and still get things wrong sometimes. I am trying to own my space, be confident and hold my head up.

Which of these was hardest for you? Which one do you want to focus on practicing?

The road to self-discovery

Some would say I’m having a bit of a mid-life crisis (and I know who you are), and I did make a tangible decision when I turned 50 earlier this year to reassess myself and my life and try to improve my attitudes, my outlook and my self-awareness and confidence. Scary. I want to be a better person and I need help establishing that.

The self-discovery journey is not always an easy path to follow. It can be scary, confusing, complicated. Revisiting childhood that started to mould beliefs and values, and choices made as an adult can be good and bad to relive.

I have also started to recognise people and events that no longer fit with my values, or that are one-sided and “takers”.

I have tried a number of techniques to help with varying degrees of success:

meditation – I just don’t seem to be able to sit still and focus that long when I know there are other things to be getting on with,
assessing my values and behaviours – this is ongoing as I experience different things, but I am making a conscious effort, don’t always get it right though,
figure out who I am and what I want – still having difficulty with that one. As soon as I think I’ve worked it out I get a dose of imposter phenomenon,
reflective thinking / writing – I am now much better at this and am able to assess my actions objectively and take whatever appropriate action needs to follow,
gratitude – I’ve really struggled with this one. Not because I’m not grateful for things, but find it really hard to express it. For example, I am grateful for the fact I have a decent job, decent salary and able to have a good sense of work/life balance, but I’ve worked very hard over a number of years to achieve it. I’m grateful that I have a stable and loving home and family, but do I need to give them presents all the time to express that? Is saying “thank you” to C when he makes dinner and “I love you” to R in the hope that she feels valued and loved adequate? I’ve never got the hang of writing a gratitude journal. When you read that you should write three things every day that you are grateful for, how do you think of different things? Surely it just starts to repeat itself,
finding my purpose – I’m still not convinced I’ve discovered this yet.

I have discovered things about myself that I had long forgotten about or buried. I have reset expectations and reassessed some relationships along the way. I have looked again at my personal style and how I want to feel about myself and those around me. I have started to be a little bit selfish about my time and energy and no longer spend so much of it trying to please other people.

I may have joined the party late, and I have a very long way to go, but I am determined to be a better person.