Tag: #liar

Little white lies

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

When does a little white lie become a problem?  We all tell them.  And you’re lying if you think you don’t.  It can be anything from “I’m nearly home” or “I’ve had that dress in the wardrobe for ages, I just don’t wear it that often”, or “I’ll start my diet tomorrow”. They seem meaningless most of the time and often do little or no harm generally. 

According to Emily Cronin in Red Magazine, research found most people lie two or three times within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone new. Cronin quoted Dr Emma Hepburn, a psychologist and author who says it depends on reason for the lie. Maybe someone calls in sick with a physical illness when the reality is they’re having mental health issues but afraid of the stigma that might be attached. Maybe someone underplays how much they spend on clothes to their partner to avoid any snide comments. Dr Hepburn says most little white lies stem from shame or stigma.

Sometimes we might invent a little white lie if we don’t want to participate in a social engagement and would rather be at home in our own company, so we make up another engagement that’s already been in the diary for ages. This also might be partly to save the feelings of the other person too. We don’t want to let people down, or there’s a fear of feeling inadequate or unreliable, or not a good enough friend. These types of feelings reinforce the people-pleasing and we’ll never find out that its ok to say no.

There are many types of lies. Lies of convenience, omission, politeness, lies we tell ourselves, lies we tell consciously and lies that are truths we keep silent. There’s also the childhood lies we are told and tell others in order to prolong the magic.  The existence of the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas – spoiler alert!   They don’t exist.

Sometimes little white lies have no impact whatsoever and Dr Hepburn said it was important not to beat yourself up if you’ve done it, but in most occasions honesty is best.

Martha Beck conducted research where participants in one group were told not to lie, not even a little white one for two weeks.  They demonstrated better relationships and moods, physically emotionally and relationally better, than those who didn’t promise not to tell lies. Beck is an advocate of integrity and says that committing to not telling lies, even little fibs was transformative in her life.  She realised she was gay, so ended her marriage, left her unfulfilling job, and although saying it was extremely hard, it was 1000% worth it. It was better to do that than continue living the lie her life had become in being someone she wasn’t.

Beck explains there are better ways to express yourself and be polite and loving without the need to tell lies, you just have to get creative. But its hard to get over the feeling you might be hurting someone else’s feelings.

I recall a co-worker many years ago who was on the rather large side, and we used to have some cracking conversations and could speak quite openly and honestly to each other.  One day she asked me whether I thought the outfit she was wearing suited her.  I quite honestly replied that I didn’t think it did.  She was mortified.  I was mortified that I’d upset her and followed it up with “Well you did ask”.  She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day, but we did make up the next day. 

It’s hard not to let those little fibs creep in, even if its to save someone else’s feelings, but doing in order to supress your own is not healthy.  Easier said than done though.

Liar, Liar, pants on fire

Just doing another one of those short tests on the Psychologies Magazine website.  This time on how honest are you?  Sometimes I think I’m too honest for my own good and it can cause offence, but if you’re going to ask me if you butt looks big in that outfit, and I think it does, then I’ll tell you.  If you didn’t want a truthful answer, then don’t ask the question.  Sometimes, it is better to be economical with the truth but I personally don’t like being lied to and I try my utmost not to do it to anyone else.

Instead of the usual 10 questions, this test had 16, ranging from what you would tell a friend or partner about something that they’d bought, if you didn’t like it, to whether you’d confess to a driving accident whilst being on the phone or not going to see a friend or relative because you really don’t feel like it, but can’t bring yourself to tell them.

No surprises, but my results were:

You hate to lie

People who are good liars frighten you. You don’t admire them and you would even go as far as to say they’re dangerous. Their lack of morals shocks and worries you. You are the opposite. Your watch words are transparency and truth. You try to prove as often as possible that you are completely trustworthy. You reserve the right to say whatever you need to say, whether or not it pleases others. It’s courageous of you to be as honest as you are, but your quest for authenticity can sometimes come across as intransigence. You tend to be stubborn and demand that others share your values. Diplomacy is a good quality to have, and it demands a certain attitude to the truth – one that you have difficulty with. You fear lies because you don’t like the idea of someone lying to you. Are you afraid of being led down the garden path? Perhaps it brings back experiences from your past that you would rather forget. Lying is certainly not a positive thing, but perhaps lies could add nuance to your arguments or dress up reality when you want to be humane and not cause too much pain.

I wouldn’t have the brass nerve to say that I didn’t do something when I did, it would be my luck that there’s CCTV footage or something that proves that I did.  Someone at work reversed into my car whilst I was stationary and when we both put insurance claims in, she suddenly accused me of driving in to her.  Even filling out the forms I felt like I was being accused, even though I was absolutely telling it how it was.  Of course the CCTV camera didn’t actually cover that part of the car park, and it was dark so no one else saw it, but did she also not hear me beeping the horn as I saw her coming at me?  That prompted me to get dashcams, front and back, for my car.  No one’s going to try that one again.

I do appreciate that sometimes it’s better to be economical, but in those circumstances I try not to say anything at all. Or if pushed I might say something like “well, its not my cup of tea but if you like it, that’s all that matters”. 

I’m reminded of the line in the film The Nativity by the catholic priest talking to the teacher (which you have to say in an Irish accent) “a lie, is a lie, is a lie”.