What is the defining moment that shaped your identity?

An interesting question popped up in one of my social media time lines. It possetted that the best way to get to know people was instead of asking where someone is from or what they do, ask what was the defining moment that shaped their identity.

We are often defined by our job title, our social status, our religion, relationship status and so on.

I like questions like this but I’m not very good at answering them myself. I’m not sure I could pinpoint a defining moment, more a steady build up of experiences.

Getting to know yourself is important in defining who you are. Finding out what makes you tick. Observing how you think and feel, reflecting on thought process and recognising and catching some of these thoughts before they cause any anxiety.

I read an article in Psychologies Magazine offering a series of questions to ask friends or colleagues to get to know each other better. The idea is each person completes the following sentences then shares them with each other (I’ve added my own answers in italics):

To get the best out of me … give me all the data and the time to analyse it and formulate questions and an action plan. Give me some encouragement that I’m on the right track. Treat me how you want to be treated.

In social situations … I’m generally uncomfortable, give me an “in” to a conversation so I’m not stood on the sidelines like Billy-no-mates, but give me and “out” opportunity to leave when I’ve had enough without it being awkward.

If I am stressed or worried ... I will shut my office door ear a lot of rubbish food, or sleep. It can’t bother me if I’m asleep.

When you ask me to do something … give me all the information then let me get on with it. Don’t micro manage me. I will shout if I have any problems or questions. You will be kept up to date.

If you are upset or angry with me … tell me straight away. I can’t put it right and learn from it otherwise. And the sooner its dealt with, the better for everyone.

If you have feedback for me ... let’s go grab a coffee and go through it together so I fully understand and we can formulate a plan.

If you want to praise me or reward me … please do, be genuine about it but don’t make a big deal about it.

If I say no to something … be assured there’s a damn good reason. I won’t say it unless I have to and I will tell you why.

When I want time to myself … I’ll take myself somewhere else, and probably bake something or read, or sleep.

I am trying to get to know myself better and be more curious about others, to know them better too. That’s all still work in progress.

Able Relationships

Day 2 of our Leadership course talked about 3 able relationships that leaders should consider.

1. NOTICABLE – how we should take notice and responsibility of ourselves, of others and of the task.

2. RESPONSIBLE – how we respond to problems can sometime make it worse. We have the power to choose our response: change it, change ourself, accept it or walk away.

3. DESIRABLE – how much do we want to change ourself to manage relationships and leadership behaviours.

The final exercise of the day was to take it in turns to talk about each member of our group in terms of what we had appreciated about them over the last 2 days and what we felt they could do to improve their leadership skills. That person had to sit quietly and listen and then had an opportunity to respond. Bearing in mind that before day 1 most of us had never met.

When it came to my turn to be analysed I sat in the hot seat with sweaty palms. The comments around what people had appreciated about me were things like my quick witedness, honesty, natural skills, good leadership qualities, focused, put everyone at ease, not pretending to be something I’m not and very able.

The suggestions about what I need to improve on were having a greater sense of self belief, understanding others a bit more and being aware of my own ability. One of the comments I had made about myself earlier in the day was that I don’t consider myself a people person, but everyone disagreed and felt that I had been open, friendly, curious, caring and inclusive and that I should try to stop seeing myself that way.

These 2 days were a really useful practical assessment and learning experience. All previous leadership courses I’ve been on, and indeed my Masters in Healthcare Leadership, have tended to be more theoretical but didn’t really give anything by way of practical suggestions. The giving and receiving of feedback for me, has been key to unlocking some changes I need to make in my own perception of myself so that I can be more like how others see me. As one of the group said I am my own worst saboteur.

This course continues next month with another couple of days. We weren’t given anything to work on between now and then, but I guess the idea is that we take this new found knowledge about ourselves, and work on those areas to improve.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

I was having a conversation with someone earlier about how they felt about their current job and they replied that it was nothing like what they’d wanted to be growing up. In formative years they wanted to be a fire fighter but didn’t have the physique to go with it, then in teenage years wanted to do something in mechanics/engineering but was told by their school career adviser that that would be a waste of their academic talent. Then they thought they might go into law but only lasted a term in A levels before deciding it wasn’t for them. Now they find themselves in a low paid 9-5 office admin role which isn’t terribly fulfilling.

We talked around opportunities for retraining and doing something more in line with their creative side but it seemed all the enthusiasm had been sapped out of them.

When I was little, and during teenage years I had no idea what I wanted to do when I grew up. I still don’t. I have developed into the roles that I’ve had, adapted to the surroundings and been responsible for my own re-education. I wasn’t terribly academic at school and didn’t, and still don’t have, a real vocation in life. I work in areas that I seem to be pretty good at and had opportunities based on past performance and being in the right place at the right time. I would never had said as a younger me, “oh I want to do that job when I’m older“. I doubt whether I would even have known the job I currently do was even a thing.

Our daughter at one point wanted to be a forensic scientist and took all the necessary subjects at GCSE to enable her to take that further. Then an opportunity arrived which put her behind a camera lens. And she found her thing. She was and is effortlessly good at it and pursued it as a career option taking the subject at A level, then going on to study it at university. Sadly, making a career out of photography is exceptionally hard so she’s opted for a more conventional job and keeps her photography skills honed as her hobby. She seems to be doing pretty well in her chosen career at the moment which shows that if you are determined enough, you can progress.

I do wonder whether careers advice sessions are actually useful if they dissuade you from following your dreams and don’t actually have the full gambit of jobs in their basket. No career advisor would have told me I’d be better suited to the job I’m in, for sure.

My advice, for what its worth and what I told our daughter, is to do something you enjoy doing and the rest will come.

I’m still waiting to find out what it is I want to be when I grow up.

Identity Thief

noun

1.the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

For me personal identity has always been a problem. As the youngest of four siblings I was always referred to as someone’s little sister. One of the maths teachers at secondary school actually said to me in my first lesson with him “oh, another one, I hope you’re going to be as good as your brother”. To which I replied “I’ll be as good as me and see where that gets us”. There were several occasions growing up where I had to make my own voice heard instead of being an extension of an older sibling.

When I got married I became C’s wife and was often introduced by others (not by him) as “this is his wife”. Apparently not having my own name.

Then our daughter came along and I became R’s mum. Again, no name of my own except in a very small group of other misfit mums.

My working life has been the only chance for me to forge my own way. Employers and colleagues have never met family members, other than maybe a brief introduction to my husband or daughter. This is where I get to be me, no one else.

As I have progressed through my career I’ve moved into management and have managed very large teams of staff, one team had 250 staff who worked around the clock. So then I became the XX department manager. You can even use the internal telephone system to ask for the XX manager without mentioning a name and you get put through to me.

My last three roles at work all started out because colleagues were looking for something and another colleague suggested my name. Yes I had to go through the proper recruitment process but I hope I got each role on merit, not because of who I know.

Within bellringing circles I have started to carve out my own name in that I work on behalf of the local Association and the Central Council. People have heard of my name even if they’ve not seen my face. I’m not in it for the glory, I do it because I can help. I’m not a particularly brilliant ringer although recently someone assumed I was just because they’d heard of me.

A couple of years ago I was heavily involved in an international bellringing project. I got asked to run it because someone had been told that I would be good. My reputation for getting things done had been noticed. This has led me on to the Public Relations Officer roles and I hope some good is starting to show.

Here I am not compared as a younger sibling, nor only invited because of who I happen to have married, nor as a chaperone to a now more than competent adult daughter.

I am here because I have earned it and although my Imposter Syndrome may get the better of me at times, people know MY name (even if they do continually miss spell it)!