Mapping Meaningful Connections

My latest read on my self-awareness and development fumble through life is Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart. Brown’s is a renound researcher and author of experiences that make us who we are. This book takes the reader through 87 emotions and experiences that define what it is to be human.

The back cover explanation says that Brown’s maps the necessary skills and an actionable framework for meaningful connection, giving us the language and tools to access new choices and second chances.

The book groups those 87 emotions and experiences into categories:

Places we go when things are uncertain or too much – stress, overwhelm, anxiety, worry, avoidance, excitement, dread, fear, vulnerability
Places we go when we compare – comparison, admiration, reverence, envy, jealousy, resentment, schadenfreude, freudenfreude
Places we go when things don’t go as planned – boredom, disappointment, expectations, regret,discouragement, resignation, frustration
Places we go when its beyond us – awe, wonder, confusion, curiosity, interest, surprise
Places we go when things aren’t what they seem – amusement, bittersweetness, nostalgia, cognitive dissonance, paradox, irony, sarcasm
Places we go when we’re hurting – anguish, hopelessness, despair, sadness, grief
Places we go with others – compassion, pity, empathy, sympathy, boundaries, comparative suffering
Places we go when we fall short – shame, self-compassion, perfectionism, guilt, humiliation, embarrassment
Places we go when we search for connections – belonging, fitting in, connection, disconnection, insecurity, invisibility, loneliness
Places we go when the heart is open – love, lovelessness, heartbreak, trust, self-trust, betrayal, defensiveness, flooding, hurt
Places we go when life is good – joy, happiness, calm, contentment, gratitude, foreboding, joy, relief, tranquility
Places we go when we feel wronged – anger, contempt, disgust, dehumanisation, hate, self-righteousness
Places we go to self-assess – pride, hubris, humility

I haven’t really got into it yet but just reading through the introduction I get a sense of its going to be a good read. Brown is honest and open about her own life challenges and hope they shaped the person she is today. Its backed up with empirical research and real life examples.

I’ll keep you posted with what I learn.

The easy way to say thank you

You will have read before about this virtual #bellringing platform called Ringing Room that enables bell ringers from all over the world to ring together in a virtual world, given we have not been able to ring much in the real world.

I started using Ringing Room in May 2020. It had been around for a few months already by then and the developers were still making changes to it, enhancing the user experience, fixing bugs etc. I even managed to get it featured on the BBC 10pm News in June. It has revolutionised ringing from being able to ring with our friends, meeting new friends, ringing with people from anywhere and everywhere, and ringing things we never thought we could in a tower. There are even several groups of new ringers who have only ever rung in Ringing Room and never stepped foot in a tower and tried real bells.

The development is ongoing, and Wheatley was introduced more recently. Wheatley is basically a bot that will ring all of the others bells unassigned to people, so if you want to ring something on 8 bells but only 6 people are there, Wheatley will fill in the gaps. I think Wheatley will be greatly missed when we go back to tower ringing and meet one or two short!

The developers were rightly rewarded earlier this year by winning a large financial prize at the Association of Ringing Teachers awards. And still the platform goes from strength to strength. What started off as a big of a hobby experience rapidly has been the saving grace of ringers everywhere. It has 5 servers in 4 different countries. I ring in 2 or 3 regular sessions per week, with the occasional extra practice every now and then, so get good use out of it.

Ringing Room is free to use. It doesn’t spam you with emails once you’ve signed up. It doesn’t bug you if you haven’t visited the site in a while. It quietly sits there, ready when you are. Every now and then I remember to send a donation. There is a facility to do this on the Ringing Room site, but again, it’s a button that quietly sits there, doesn’t shout out at you, doesn’t draw your attention to it, makes no expectation and there’s no pressure.

I was about to make a donation again when I saw a new option – to become a Patron by making a regular contribution. Being able to donate regularly would be easier for me, so I wouldn’t forget, but also provide the developers with a more regular stream of income to support the platform and future developments. There were 3 options, £3 per month, £10 per month and £20 per month. There was still the option to make a one of donation of any amount. I had no hesitation in supporting the £20 per month option. The value I get out of it is more than worth it. Patrons would also get access to exclusive voting privileges on new features to be added to the platform.

There are I don’t know how many thousands of users of Ringing Room now, and if each of them made a small contribution to the upkeep and development of the platform, it would be a small way towards thanking the developers for the extraordinary work they have done in creating Ringing Room.

Some people might think that Ringing Room will have its day once we are able to get back into towers to ring real bells, but I for one fully intend to keep using it, even if its for my own practice. I don’t think I’m alone in that thought.

What no bells?

Although there has been no group #bellringing for such a long time now C and I have been going to the Cathedral and ringing two bells just to keep things going.

This week however we are away visiting E&M so not able to go to ring. In ordinary times we would go with E&M to their tower to ring on Sunday bit as they’re not back ringing yet either, we had the morning off.

An odd feeling to not go ringing but after yesterday’s marathon walk around Hardwick Hall we were all exhausted and enjoyed a couple of extra hours sleep.

I am looking forward to returning to the Cathedral next weekend when we will have a couple of extra of ringers for the first time in many, many months. The rules still only allow six people with social distancing, masks and good ventilation but it will be fantastic to hear more than ding and dong and try real ringing methods.

As we head into June and the possibility of no restrictions after the 21st (fingers tightly crossed) we may also be able to start practices again. I know many towers already have but because we are very reliant on people from other towers supporting our practice we’ve decided to hold off for a while.

It will be interesting to see and hear how we get on when trying to raise and ring the heavy bells for the first time in 16 months. Managing people’s expectations of what they could and should ring might be a challenge.

From what I’ve read on social media from other towers it seems that there has been a positive community reaction to bells being rung again but then I upoose no one is going to share any negative responses they’ve had.

I always share details of what ringing we are planning and what we’ve done on our Twitter account and tag local radio, the diocrsan office, the cathedral, local city sites as well. Some are really positive and like and share our posts which is lovely.

I want to build a closer relationship with the cathedral and diocesan offices and local community sites so that they start to fully consider the advantages that bellringers bring to church and community.

I’ve already had conversations with the cathedral office about a diocesan wide ring to mark the enthronement of our new Diocesan Bishop later on in the year and look forward to some closer links.

Connections and reconnections

Reconnected with a former work colleague yesterday. Haven’t spoken with them in years. Paths went different directions and they are now self-employed and seemingly doing very well in a field that they are absolutely suited to.

I was feeling a bit meh about something said recently and spent a bit of time trying to research about not dwelling on things that I have no control over. My former colleague has moved into the positive psychology sphere and that’s what their business revolves around. I decided to reconnect with them on LinkedIn and see if they had any advice.

I find it really hard to connect with people generally. I have a lot of acquaintances via #bellrining and work, but no one that I would say was a “close friend”. In the past, I have rushed to help people at all times of day and night, who I thought were friends, to help them through marriage break ups and bouts of illness and depression, but no one has ever returned that favour. Maybe they don’t see that I need any help, or think that I’m a strong enough person that doesn’t really need it, or they’re so wrapped up in their own issues they can’t see someone else’s. Seemed to have been all take, so frankly, I let them go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a needy person, but every now and then I need reassurance just like anyone else.

This is why I hate those circulars that do the rounds every now and then on social media about “call me if you need me, I’ll always be there for you” a) I shouldn’t need to call you, if you were really my friend and knew me well enough, you’d know when I needed help or support and b) no you won’t, even if I did call you’d make some excuse for not coming to see me or calling me or reaching out in some way.

I hate the way that I’m supposed to be mindfully of everyone else’s feelings but no one needs to be mindful of mine. How am I supposed to be honest, open and authentic when I have to hold back so much of what I really want to say?

I looked into advice on how to connect with people and it suggests:

Smile – genuinely and warmly. That’s a difficult one to start with. I hate my smile. We even have a joke in the family about if I smiled no one would recognise me. It’s not because I don’t want to or can’t but that it feels false, even when I don’t mean it to be.
Invite conversation – showing you are interested in other people by giving a little of yourself then asking about them e.g. “I enjoy reading historical fiction. What sort of books do you enjoy?” Obviously tailor it to the situation, but you get the idea. Trouble is, I don’t like what most people like. I don’t like sport of any kind and am actively turned off when someone starts talking about it. I don’t watch what everyone else seems to be watching on tv. There seems to be very little room for finding a common interest in most situations.
Offering compliments – might be something someone has done, or what they’re wearing. I do do this, sparingly, otherwise it just gets a bit weird.
Putting yourself out there – push yourself to be sociable. There are times when I’ve go to a works or #bellringing do because I’ve felt that I’ve had to be seen to be there when really I’d rather be at home with my own company. I have offered invitations to coffee etc and sometimes they are taken up, but then it always ends up being me that organises it. Sometimes it would be nice if the invitation was reciprocated.
Be yourself – this seems totally contradictory. Myself would be at home, in my own company, minding my own business. Yet the advice has just told me to go out there. There are times when I feel a little bit more at ease with others, but that’s usually because it’s a meeting with a purpose, rather than just a social event.

Hit me with your favourite positivity sites and top tips for connecting with people.